The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I am not supposed to let my AH's disease control me and maybe it is because I only saught help a few days ago and I am new to this chapter of my life but I can't help the overwhelming feelings I am having.
My AH just told me that he was going to go visit his dad, who has not been in the best of health lately and has even undergone back surgery just last month. My father-in-law is a heavy drinker as well as his wife. They sit and drink usually in their home but they drink alot! The past month and a half just about everytime my AH tells me he is going there I end up not seeing or hearing from him for hours, and then I have my aha moment where I just know the drinking has begun.
I am having the same panic attacks I get every single time he comes home, cleans up and says "I'm going here or there" but I'm also so tired, just tired of crying and chest pains and not knowing. I don't know for a fact he will drink today but I also don't know that he won't.
I have NO friends, not the kind of friends that most have to be able to go to lunch with or to go shopping with..I mean not even someone that I can ask to come over when I need to talk. Being married to him I lost everyone......then again maybe they were not friends to start with but it hurts!
I am so glad I searched and found MIP, I may be a basket case now and may be one for a long time but at least I don't have to feel so alone anymore.
I am praying my AH comes home today sober, a glimmer of hope is all I ask.
Hi Michelle.... sorry to be blunt, but your A is active, and not in any kind of program of recovery, so he is going to do what A's do - drink!
The good news is you are wanting to break the cycle, and that is great... Choosing a program of recovery - for YOU - is the key... In time, it will help you turn all that energy and worry - currently focussed on him & his disease - back onto you...
Keep coming back - you are doing well
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
These are the times I most need to hit a meeting. If you have the opportunity please go, I understand fully if you can't. Saying the serenity prayer is a huge help, during times I feel the most helpless. It just reminds me how powerless I really am and that it's ok to feel that powerless because my HP is on my side holding me up.
Hugs again, you are doing the best you can just keep taking the next step as you are ready :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Michelle~I'm new to this message board. I try to check in daily because I find it comforting that I am not alone in my pain. The people here all get it. And I need to hear it over and over again. Sometimes I cope well, and some days I just don't. The new goals I've made are about me. My spouse may be with me or maybe not. That is no longer my priority. My wellness is my priority. Lyne
Thank you Tom, blunt is what I need on days like today! Reading your post helped ALOT.
Pushka, thank you for always sending a post of great encouragement. There is one meeting per week where I live and it is Thursday night at 8PM, I plan to make that meeting a priority no matter what that day holds in store.
Lyne, I am new here as well and I find myself logging on sometimes 5 or more times a day just to read. It is sad but comforting at the same time to know I am not alone in my pain and I am looking forward to making more goals for myself and my recovery. Thank you!
hi Michelle, This is exactly my share tonight as well. I lost alot of me when I became so focused on Him, he was all I could see. I isolated because I was too embarrassed to bring him around others I knew. Actually what honestly embarrassed me was the fact that I could Not control his behaviors in others' presence .. I couldn't even control my own reacting. Of course I couldn't walk away either, so basically he's felt like my family secret, and ya know what they say .. we're only as sick as our secrets ... I've spent so long in denial because it's been easier to deny then face "my own" personal past. I thought his behavior defined me, which I'm only just now recognizing for the first time. For some time, I thought my feelings and opinions defined me and, therefore, because I usually felt bad, I had a very low definition of me. I'm a work in progress and recovery is a process not an event. Some of the time I've been on highs with huge personal progress but this week I'm back in it which I need to share on. Keep coming and sharing .. I don't know what our solutions will be, but I know the answer for us all is meeting around the tables of face 2 face meetings, reading literature, using call lists, finding a sponsor, and showing up here when we can to share, listen, and learn.
