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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Something good, something sad...my realization
Post Info TOPIC: Something good, something sad...my realization
odalis


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Something good, something sad...my realization
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Hey everyone. I just wanted to share with someone! I heard the words over and over again...we are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable. And I really tried to listen to them and thought I understood them. Well, I didn't realize just how manageable my life had actually become.....emotionally and physically as well. I was sad, depressed, on anxiety medicine (still taking), walking on eggshells all the time, fighting constantly, trying to throw the beer away. But in addition, I had stopped taking care of myself. Not going to the doctor, not going to get my hair done. Not ironing my clothes. And a few days ago, I realized I had stopped taking care of everything altogether. I decided I would mop my floors...not that this has anything to do with Alanon, but the amount of clutter, dirt, disorganization and chaos I found in every room of this house was crazy, disgusting. The toy room, our bedrooms, everything. And as I was cleaning I was saying to myself.."My life has become unmanageable" followed by "I will not let my life be unmanageable anymore" I just kept saying it over and over again as I cleaned out EVERYTHING. I put away laundry that had been folded for at least a month..No wonder I had nothing to wear! LOL

it took me a few hours to do it, but at the end of it all I was like Wow, is this what I have done to MYSELF, where as before, I would have said this is what my Ah did to me. I have the power to control ME and how manageable MY life is. And it felt pretty darn good!

On a sadder note, last night I was writing in my journal about how proud I am of myself that I have walked away from many potential arguements over the course of the last two or three weeks. My big daughter is noticing and gives me a thumbs up when she sees me change the conversation or walk away (although she still doesn't know I go to alanon). My husband half-drunken self decided to sleep in my daughters room since she was in my room having mommy time. But anyway, after my little one fell asleep I was writing in my journal about how peaceful I've been feeling about not fighting and actually getting along better than before.

Then Something hit me.....the REAL realization that I cannot change ANYTHING in him as much as I want to. That I will struggle with this everyday and work to change myself while leaving him behind. The fear that maybe one day I will realize that I am better off without him, or that I am happier without him. Disappointment that things are not the way they used to be. Usually I cry when I am angry or when we would argue because I was hurt at the things he'd say. But last night I cried uncontrollably for about an hour because I was truly SAD. I have not been able to feel sad for along time. I rarely even cry at sad movies. But last night I was REALLY sad at the thought that we used to be so happy and now I will probably never have that again. It was really depressing and I have no idea what time I fell asleep. I know I am powerless, but it HURTS really bad :(



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Pushka


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Hugs Odalis,

What a wonderful share thank you soooo much I appreciate everything you said. :) Way to work your program!!

P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
ELEKTRAWMN


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(((hugs)))

Lots of strength and support being sent that way!

Thanks for sharing!

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~Kat

 Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
hotrod


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Dear Odalis

Thank you for your honest share There is a reading in the Courage to Change that states":et me think, know and FEEL my powerlessness" so that I will be able to turn it all over to HP .

I was told that when I was able to Feel the sadness that it was a gift.  I had let down walls that had kept me from feelingconfuse I could now feel the laughter, joy and goodness as well as the sadness.

Feeling that powerlessness is so very painful but it lifted as I moved on the Step 2 and 3.

Things did change in my marriage- We both grew up and leaned how to truly love each other and that was a gift from this program.

Please keep showing up.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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pineapple


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odalis, good for you on the cleaning - I know that clutter and disorganization really have a negative effect on my mood. And good for you for your insights. I told myself I was powerless and the only one I could control was myself. But it took me a long time to reallyBELIEVE it. When I finally did, it was massive. Brought so many feelings, good and bad. In a way it was liberating to know I no longer had to try and control someone else, I only had to take care of myself. On the other hand it was depressing as you have mentioned- to know that I am moving on while my partner is stuck in his addiction and sickness. And missing the fun and closeness we used to have and probably never will again. Yeah, it hurts. But it also gets better with time. ((((HUGS))))

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likemyheart


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Oh Odalis how i so relate - I told someone how happy I was to have spent over 4 hours cleaning my kitchen to old country music and the realization hit me how much more it needed - i had ignored it for SO long; and my Hair, well, I used to curl it all the time, trying to get back into doing so but its painful to realize how out of it I became for so long. (lets not even mention the weight i've gained)

I have always cried easily at tear-jerking stuff but this past year I find myself crying A LOT more than normal - I've sort of let myself though, because when its done it feels better to have let it out - letting that sadness that has been pent up for so long out to take a big ragged breath and let itself go; howling into a pillow, raging into it really, getting it out of me where it hides still. Eventually I know I'll be done crying so much - already it's not nearly as bad as it used to be - and like I said, I feel better afterwards. The sadness is sometimes overwhelming, I know, sometimes I'm reminded of the footsteps poem and get comfort from the last line - it was then that I carried you - the thought of being in someone's arms while I cry, like a child enveloped in a parent's arms, safe and allowed to cry it out.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
youfoundme


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Hugs to you. Glad you are here :) Keep coming!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Doozy


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Odalis,

That was a beautiful share and lots of beautiful ESH that followed. I'm so impressed by how courageously open the people I've met through this process are.

Wishing you lots of comfort and strength.

~Doozy

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Debilyn


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yes it is very painful huh? When I realized seriously that the man I knew would never be back...ugh.

you are right to allow yourself to cry. He is very sick, we can do nothing.

Yes it feels good to catch up, all of a sudden you woke up and omgosh, look at this mess! lol lol

Did you see your nice comfy home under all that??  I love to clean my little cabin, I also like you, need cloths to wear! lol

hugs, write some more, I love your style! deb



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odalis


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I love coming here and sharing. The amount of support I have gotten is incredible. I wish I had come sooner. thank you all. I am moving forward one day at a time and YOU have helped me do that!



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ifa


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I feel that way a lot. So sad that he is sick and I don't feel like we are really together. I love him so much. But we are powerless over them. Just remember it is up to your HP whether you will be together with your A or not. We have to trust that we will be loved whatever happens.

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Jozie


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((((((((((((((Odalis))))))))))))

First I want to Say Welcome to MIP :) I would like to share with you a Piece of my Story... :)

When I met my Husband WE both Drank "ALOT" so there for neither of us could see what harm we were doing to others or ourselves... But My Al-Anon story began Coming up on 3 years this year... I lost my Afather to the disease of Alcohol a week past his 58th birthday...

When i Got here i was Angry.. and that was All that I Could really See and or Feel was Anger, for him choosing the life he did, and for leaving me when I felt he had a long life to live... However in loosing him, I got Here! I still drank in the beginning of my program, and I started to slowly work the steps, and tho I got hung up on step 4 for Over a year & ahalf... I Finally dreged thru, and made it to the end... I Honestly started looking at Me and allowing myself to "Mind my own Business" when it came to My "Very Opinionated" mind... I Started stepping back from others problems, Even my husbands Mood Swings, he was Grouchy & Pissy ALL the time, one day up the next day Super Down!!!

When I started looking closer at My Needs, My Wants, My Feelings, Whether I was Sad, Pissed, Happy, Joyful... All of them! I started Slowly changing in my own pace, my own time... And I Can't say it works the same for everyone, but I have to say that As I began to pay more attention to Me, and My Needs, I Found that Those around me that at first "hated" my Changes, Slowly began to make Small Changes their self... For me & My husband, (Binge Drinker) we have come to a New Understanding and Now he realizes that my Feelings are just as Important as His, and just because he is having a bad day it is not my job to cater to, or make him all better... Only he can do that, and he now knows that I will know longer carry his Mood as Mine... My Day will not change because of his attitude, and I don't expect his to change for Mine either... I learned that Tho I am "Powerless Over Alcohol/Addiction" I am NOT Powerless over How I carry myself! And I Do Not Have to Take Blame for Others that choose to be a Victim!

My Marriage after 16 yrs together has made a Huge Change in the last 3 years I have worked my Program, the future I was unsure of with my Husband now gives me a place of Peace, and Comfort, and Love & Understanding... Do we Still Have tough days.. Yes... but now I have made him aware of the boundry's he is not to cross and I show him the same Respect... Not always easy, but then again this program is about "Progress Not Perfection"... I Learned that here!

A Book if you haven't already read that was also a Help to me was called "Getting them Sober" It is something that brought alot of light to my Recovery... I Hope that Helps...

Please Take what you like & Leave the Rest... This is a Wonderful Program, with Great Support and Love, and it truly does Work if You Work It! Keep Coming Back, Sharing & Reading... You will begin to feel the Sadness Lift, and the true You Come back to the Surface... The One you want to be, Not the one you are for Everyone else...

Friends in Recovery

Jozie

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Thee Only Journey I Control Is MY Own :)

Gratitude.... Is a God Honoring Attitude! :D
xeno59


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WOW Great Share !
I could have written so much of that myself when I first got to alanon. Step 1 seemed so easy to me. In fact as I read all the steps they seemed so simple ( and they are ) that I decided i was going to be on the 12 step 12 week fast track to recovery. Wrong ! Yes this is a very simple program... a simple program for complicated people. And apparently I was especially complicated lol because it took me 10 months to get past Step 1. Think I am stubborn much lol? I not only had read and agree with step 1 for me to move on I had to literally surrender to it. And 3 yrs later I am still surrendering to it every single day. For me if I don't surrender to step 1 everyday I know i will start to slip without a doubt.
Now the "my life was unmanagable" part I was totally on board with right away but the "powerlessness" no, I just couldn't make myself believe that I could not control/fix my own son. I am his mother... its my job right? and certainly what i am programmed to do.
You did a really good job, keep up the great work
Blessings

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