The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I am new here and just getting my feet wet in getting my ownself on the track to recovery I am not comfortable replying to a post for fear of saying the wrong thing.
From my own experience I know the feeing of, "am I overreacting" "he's not drinking that much but it is almost everyday" to "he won't eat dinner until he finished drinking all of the beer in the house".
I felt like it was me reading into something that wasn't there until the six pack became a 12 pack and the meals I prepared started sitting until 10pm or just not touched at all. I will never again feel that "I am overreacting" if it is in my gut that something is wrong it's because it IS wrong for ME. I know I can't change it, I know I can't control it and I know I am not causing it!
It's called denying and rationalizing an unreasonable illogical situation. :) I hope you can or have made it to the library and checked out a book called Getting them Sober I've just started that one. As well as finding a daily reader, Courage to Change is really a great one and the Alanon One Day at a Time, blue book. They really do put things into perspective for me. :) You are doing fantastic, keep coming back and I have foot in mouth disorder, I do better online than in real time because I still get embarrassed by what I say. Now I just post things to the wrong people .. ha ha. :) I'm safe in knowing no one is going to laugh at me on the street at least that I know of .. lol. :)
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am actually planning to make a trip to "one of our bigger cities" that have an actual book store this week so I can get my hands on every and anything I can to help me through.
I have been in a fairly good place for the past few days as my AH has been sober and out of trouble so I have been a little more coherant myself, the board will know when I am not ok, I promise you all that! :) I find that I don't try and rationalize any more but I do blame!
As for the foot and mouth disorder.....LOL However sometimes a mistake is a blessing in disguise :)
I meant to add to my post that you can find all of these books on www.amazon.com as well so you don't necessarily have to make a trip out of town unless you are headed that way anyway. I know I struggle with that I think we're getting ready to loose the only bookstore in town because Boarders is closing. For me that will mean a 35 mile trip each direction from the boonies ... so not looking forward to that!! I will be using amazon if the bookstore goes out.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have been in your shoes. Fear of saying the wrong things, walking on eggshells, will I be accepted? I still find myself putting on the same shoes every now and again. Sometimes I even feel selfish because I think about myself before anyone else. Like my husband did the same thing came home from work and is like where is my dinner? I said it is in the microwave. He was baffled that I didn't wait on him to eat. I made the choice to eat when I was ready and gave it him a choice to eat when he is ready. Every situation is different and this worked for us. Since Alanon and MIP I am able to take my needs into account. It is so great to gain back a small about of independence every day! Some day I still take a step back but I have a program I can always fall on :) I am sending much love your way :)
I'm not quite at the point of "I'll just eat by myself and let him eat when he wants" yet. I am still in the phase of sheer panic, horror and frustration when the episodes hit. I usually won't eat until he is home and sober. Unhealthy for me? Yes I know but it just makes me so sick to my stomach that I can't eat! I am hoping thru MIP and Al-Anon this too will pass and I will learn to say "oh well" and get on with my day. I'm starting to panic as I know I am picking him up from jail in 45 minutes and sittimg here praying he stays home. I have been on MIP just about all day long reading posts and sometimes re-reading posts that really affected me in a positive way.
You are here and that is the most important thing. You are taking the first step to taking care of yourself first! I didn't think there would be a time when I was able to go to sleep with my husband beside me in bed and now instead of waking him up to get in bed with me and hear that loud snoring to where I can't even sleep anyways I leave him in the chair or on the couch and put a blanket over him and enjoy my king size bed alone! (No snoring!!!) You are heading down a path of self recovery and people that are here and already love you! We will help you on your journey! :)
Oh Michelle! I hear ya! I even had to laugh a little when I got to the "I'll just eat by myself and let him eat when he wants"... I was SO THERE!!! It's so sad now when I look back and remember how terrible I felt. I did that so many nights!
I did the whole thing, and maybe worst of all, I didn't even wonder if I was overreacting because I wasn't reacting! I was too busy ignoring, denying, HOPING. Argh. I spent years under-reacting.
It seemed like it took me forever to GET IT. I was like, "Oh, it's only some beer and it's only some pot..." every single day! (and worse, of course) We didn't have one single completely sober day in 3 years. My BF clearly had a problem, but he was extremely "functional." I don't know if his other friends and family could even see it. It was his closest relationships that suffered. Me and his kids. He finally did (or, more accurately didn't do) something really, really important for his kids and that is what finally made the light go on for me and got me to Alanon. I know I have a lot of amends to make to myself once I get to step 9... I'll have to work my way up to forgiving myself.
For me, I think growing up in a dysfunctional home skewed my perspective and expectations about what's normal, what's overreacting, what's healthy or appropriate. Now I'm working on that for myself and my future and am so thankful.
Y'all make me sound evil. I gave up cooking dinner at all and took myself out to eat..lol
Michelle, one big lightbulb moment for me was learning that I could respond instead of react. I have absolute control. For a long time I thought life was pitching balls at me and it was my job to dodge them. One day I started catching the balls and making decisions about what to do with them. Most of them I just dropped and let them roll away. The ones I kept, I "chose" what to do with them. We all have feelings, but we can stop ourselves from letting them carry us away and get control of them. We can guide ourselves to the next best feeling, then the next, etc. It's not a overnight thing. It takes some practice and a lot of will. But, just recognizing that we have the option of choosing differently is a start.
Take care,
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm like an old dog...I go straight home after I leave my business. I've always been the cook in our home. (I enjoy cooking). When my wife would not be home I would call and ask what time she would be back so I would know what time to start cooking. I might be told "I'll be home in 30 minutes", that might turn into 90 minutes, or she might say "I might go to an AA meeting, I'm not sure yet". So whether I called or not I still had no answer. I would allow this to fester. The key words here are....I would allow. (A form of making my life unmanageable). Two years ago I changed the way I do things. I get home....and I cook.... and I eat....at the same time everyday, instead of calling and waiting for an answer that isn't usually there. Two years ago I didn't think that would be fair..... Not the right thing to do......Now I look at it as the next right think to do.....I am allowing myself to take care of me first, and allowing my wife to do the same.
Yes, I was allowing myself to "Overreact To A Situation".....Hey!!....old dogs can learn new tricks....thanks to the program.
