HELP - Al-Anon Family Group

MARCY3 · Newbie

HELP

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

if your partner does have a drink problem things will get worse in time as alcoholism is a progressive illness. When I first came here I was not sure if my partner was an alcoholic as he never drank every day. But evrytime he did drink he would not stop till all the drink was gone and he was totally out of it. Also he did stuff that messed his life up when he drank but still did not stop. They say al anon is for people who have a problem with someone elses drinking, so sounds ;like you are in the right place for YOU. My partner has gotten worse and has attended AA but is drinking again at the momnet it is very hard to live with and does have a negative effect on children reared around it. No one will give you advice on here about choices to make we will just share are stories and you can take what you like and leave the rest. A;l anon is the best thing that ever happened to me I have never felt so supported keep coming back and try a face to face meeting in your area you will slowly find your own answers and we will support you while you do

hugs

MARCY3 · Newbie

I understand that no one will give me advice. I was looking for people with experience to tell me if I am over reacting or not.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Marcy, I agree that you could benefit from the support of alanon right now.

This is just a question, but, I am wondering if you have shared your feelings about childrearing with him? I have noticed that in so many marriages (Not just the ones with alcohol as an issue) that important issues like, money management, childrearing practices, etc. are never really discussed in depth until after the fact.

You are asking important questions and I think you deserve the answers. You sound courageous to me.

This board will be supportive. Don't hesitate to come back!

In support, Otie

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

If your husbands drinking is causing problems for you then you are in the right place.
Do take the time to read other's posts you will learn a lot from other peoples experiences.
And if you find this is affecting your life adversly than pls find an alanon meeting in your area and start attending.
Blessings

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and Welcome Marcy,

I just wanted to welcome you to the boards. You've already received some great ESH, I hope you keep coming back as well follow up with a f2f meeting.

P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome. No you are not over reacting.

But you cannot do anything about his drinking. It's as out of your control as the weather.

If he is an A it will get worse, much worse.

Al Anon can help you to learn how to be as healthy as you can loving an A. You are the only one you can control. So we learn tools to focus on us not them.

What you have shared are signs of being an addict.

I hope you will come back and share and read. I promise this site will help you.

I am with you, had I known about addiction, I would never of had kids with the A's in my life.

hugs,debilyn

Doozy · Senior Member

Marcy,

I typed parts of this in as a response to another discussion on the same topic. Maybe it will be helpful for you too. I echo what the other folks have said, if you've been affected by someone's drinking, Alanon is worth a try. They recommend trying several meetings before deciding if it's right for you. For me, I also do counseling on my own, and do a lot of reading and am finding great help through this board.

I was in a similar place with my ex-ABF. I did the whole thing, and maybe worst of all, I didn't even wonder if I was overreacting because I wasn't reacting! I was too busy ignoring, denying, HOPING. Argh. I spent years under-reacting.

It seemed like it took me forever to GET IT. I was like, "Oh, it's only some beer and it's only some pot..." every single day! (and it was/got worse, of course) He didn't have one single completely sober day in 3 years with me. My BF clearly had a problem, but he was extremely "functional." I don't know if his other friends and family could even see it. It was his closest relationships that suffered. Me and his kids. He finally did (or, more accurately didn't do) something really, really important for his kids and that is what finally made the light go on for me and got me to Alanon. I know I have a lot of amends to make to myself once I get to step 9... I'll have to work my way up to forgiving myself. If you stick with it, you'll see what that's about.

For me, I think growing up in a disfunctional home skewed my perspective and expectations about what's normal, what's overreacting, what's healthy or appropriate. I find I doubt myself a lot. Now I'm working on all those things for myself and my future and am so thankful.

Welcome and I hope you'll keep coming back - you're worth it!

~Doozy

MARCY3 · Newbie

I have to admit I do see myself ignoring his drinking at times. And when he drank everyday for 3 weeks granted it might have been a few beers a night and he would always pop Advil before bed but then when he complained of a headache he would never want to take anything. I looked the other way. But a few months ago when we started talking about having kids and I started reading up on alcohol and fertility it hit me and I told him on a few occasions that he needed to cut back and he would agree with me. But It was never followed through. He thinks his cutting back is not drinking everyday. I asked him to promise me he would not get drunk on the 4th of July and he kept that promise. I do my best not to say anything when he is drinking or buzzed because I figured ti would not mean much. While in denial I tried all the games. I thought if he saw me cry when I we talked about his drinking or when I refused to sleep in bed with him when he drank, or I complained that when he drinks his snoring is ten times worse and keeps me up, I even went as far as dumping alcohol out and throwing away the bottles. I also tried to tell him that his drinking affects us getting pregnant. His brother stepped up once and told him if he didn't shape up he would lose everything including me. That scared him but then it only lasted a short time.
I have gotten to the point where I don't drink anymore. I feel that if I am asking him not to drink then I should not be drinking.

NovSun · Senior Member

Boy Marcy, you and I could be talking about the same person! My A fiance shows very similar traits to what you explained. One difference is mine drinks during the day when I am at work and then hides it and lies about it. He swears up and down that I am the love of his life, he wants to make me his wife and mother of his children. But all my "tactics" haven't worked. The crying, pleading, threats, etc. Nothing changes. That's when I decided to look into Al-anon. I haven't drank in over 6 months. I drank socially on weekends, but realized quickly that he has a serious problem and drinks daily. I decided I was tired of it and stopped. Actually we agreed to stop together. Or so I thought!

I guess all I can offer is keep coming back here. As I read the comments, viewpoints and stories that others share, I am uplifted knowing that I am not alone. I feel 100 times better knowing I am not some freak who has a dirty little secret at home!

MARCY3 · Newbie

I tried getting help from his father and his father is in denial. All he says to me is "if he is not listening to you then you need to take action" And that infurates me even more.. It feels as if his father wants me to leave him rather then except that there is a problem. And his mother if I say anything she goes complete drama queen on me. His parents are divorced and all she wants to do is do an intervention with the father her and him and I refuse to do so because I know for a fact that it won't be productive. He would feel like is was being attacked plus being in the same room with both his parents together is completely uncomfortable. Plus if you spend time with his mother she will make you want a drink. Trust me I do not drink beer and a few Christmas' ago I chugged a whole beer and completely proved my theory that his mother forces people to drink when she is around.

I truly believe that him living with her is what started him on drinking. And that was before I lived with him. She is a drama queen who isn't happy unless her kids are unhappy. She needs drama to survive and she nags. She acts more of a wife to him then I do.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome! I hope you find meetings and some Al-anon literature. Anytime you have red flags there is a problem, trust your intuition. I am sending you love and support.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.