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Newbie here... I have a question regarding private counseling for the alcoholic vs AA?
My A does not believe in a HP at this point (although he was raised Lutheran). So he has often said that AA makes him feel uncomfortable. Last week I did see him reading the AA book, though. And Friday he made an appointment by himself for this coming Thursday with a private counselor. Is it too soon for me to be hopeful in this action?
Thanks for any insights or comments you can pass along. I really don't know much about Al-Anon but from the posts I have read I can tell I am in the right place.
Hugs, I think it depends on the therapist and their credentials of what they do. My A had an amazing addictions counselor. He was an addictions counselor who was very versed in all forms of addiction. The counselor really held him accountable for his actions and even non action. Any therapist who is worth their weight is going to suggest your A go to AA. Oops .. that's an opinion and it's mine. :) Take it for what it's worth on that note. :)
You will find a vast difference of religious beliefs within the walls of alanon as well as AA, I think we even have some who are atheists here on the board, if I'm not mistaken.
I hope you will also look for your own recovery within the walls of alanon and here on the boards. :) Keep coming back :)
P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There are ways in AA that they work around those who have not yet found thier own HP. IMO there are no better people to help an alcholic than another alcholic. There is no right or wrong answer here. If your husband finds recovery somewhere good for him. Hopefully he has a counselor versed in 12 steps and incorporates it into his therapy. Blessings
Thank you xeno. We are living in a new state and don't know many places around here yet. My A just found this substance abuse counselor in the phone book. The fact that HE called and made the appointment gave me some hope that he is serious about recovery. Only time will tell I suppose.
Thank you for the support. It is very much needed and appreciated.
Aloha NovSun...I've had both and was blessed to have a counselor who worked as a director for the VA-AA program so he was experienced with both clinical (counselor on client) and social (alcoholic on alcoholic) models. Laugable he lauded AA but had a resentment for Al-Anon...his problem no anyone elses. Clinical counseling rarely if ever involves the counselor exposing their own experiences and feelings with the subject. They do not disclose and it is part of their operation. In AA the alcoholic is exposed to many experiences of other recovering alcoholics so that they come to not feeling alone in the problem and also are presented solutions to it which they are allowed and encouraged to practice themselves. Because of "shared experiences" AA is often more effective and on another note it is very hard for one alcoholic to pull the wool over another alcoholic's eyes. We know and know that we know what's up. If we experience another alcoholic trying to "blow smoke" about their experiences we're able to set the story straight without hurting other feelings.
Get to Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area as soon as you can and for additional awareness...check in on several "open" AA meetings where you will also be welcomed. Keep coming back to MIP. You're family now. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so much Jerry. Your insights are very helpful and I feel welcome already. I had not thought of the aspect that a counselor wouldn't share back with my A which is something he probably needs to see he's not alone, either. I am glad he has taken this step toward getting some type of professional assistance. I will find out more about the counselor after his appt on Thursday. I know he deals in substance abuse but that is all I know. And I will continue to pray that my A does see the value of AA and resconsider attending.
I have heard people using atheism and agnositism as an excuse to stay drunk and away from AA too many times. I do hope your husband comes to find out that a higher power can be anything from the sun rising, to a waterfall, to a leaf, to the group of people that go to meetings, all the way up to the big GOD if he so chooses. If he feels uncomfortable in the meetings he has been to (if he has been to them) he might try other meetings. There are some where people are deeply spiritual but do not believe in a traditional God as one might think. Anyhow, I'm writing this from the perspective of an alcoholic and this is what I would tell him.
As far as you....well you already figured out you are in the right place. You could set the example by going to some alanon meetings at a clubhouse. They often have the alanon and AA meetings running in different rooms at simultaneous times. I know your husband has to do this primarily on his own, but if and when he becomes willing, that might pave the way some (but just know that while you can support and encourage, only he can follow through and do what it takes to get and stay sober).
Thank you Mark. Very helpful words. I think you might be right about the using atheism or agnositism as an excuse. He says he has been to AA before (long before we were together) and says that saying things like the Serenity prayer make him uncomfortable. I will still encourage him to go. I will also locate Al-Anon meetings in my area to lead by example as you suggested. What would AA think if I attended a meeting with him, is that acceptable?
I mentioned before that he made an appt with a substance abuse counselor for this Thursday. He didn't drink all weekend (which gave me some hope) but when I came home from work yesterday he was drunk. He never does it in front of me, like he's hiding it.
I guess I would have thought if he has an appt, he would have tried to stay sober this week, like when you brush & floss extra good before going to the dentist. I even made the comment last night "that's like someone gorging themselves on junk food right before they start a diet...defeats the purpose." That comment pretty much fell on deaf ears. I tried to do my own thing and just ignore him, not feed into his mean and slurred commentary. There were some points of crying and apologizing and actually reading the AA book. How ironic. I went to bed without saying goodnight, but at least it was a fairly peaceful evening.
One thing is this, we are not married yet. He proposed on New Year's Eve after we spent Christmas with his wonderful (non-drinking) family out of state. I have been planning our wedding all year for November 5, 2011. He has been involved in the decisions, too. I know he loves me and wants a life with me. The invitations are sealed, stamped and ready to be mailed. I have held off that trip to the post office. I know no one here can tell me what to do, but I can't help but wonder "should I marry him?" I am struggling with this. I do love him with all my heart, he makes me laugh, he is sensitive, he understands me, he cooks & cleans, takes care of the cars and my house. But am I strong enough to get through this with him? Why should I have to? I feel like such a jerk asking these questions. But am I better off trying to start over with someone else who is not an alcoholic? Again, any insights would be so helpful. Just struggling right now.
Find an alanon meeting and put the focus on you. It really won't matter if you stay or not if you are stuck in behaviors that are not good for you. I've been married 2x .. once was to a drug addict (I knew went in eyes wide open) and I turned around and picked an alcoholic ( I think I knew I had my eyes half shut that time around, because of the not drinking every day). I was mentally healthier the 2nd time around and still picked him. I have no doubt if I tried to pick someone else right now, they would be some kind of addict. Not that I'd want to just that it's obvious I'm not healthy, I mean really mentally healthy and I send out a vibe to those who need to be rescued that I am the answer to their prayers. They are really the answer to mine .. lol.
This isn't about should you stay or not, get yourself healthy if anyone had those kinds of doubts going into a marriage I think of Princess Diana who was told on the day of her wedding, well your face is on the hand towels you can't back out now. That's not true. Whatever you do .. do it with a clear mind vs a foggy one.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
