I cant and wont live this way does it make me a bad person - Al-Anon Family Group

HAguirre · Member

I cant and wont live this way does it make me a bad person

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha HA...I'll make the suggestion that you spend more time reading past post on this board to hear what the newcomers were saying when they first got here; what they heard in return and how things have turned out today, regardless of how they have turned out. I read you post and hear the shout "STOP!!" which is what I was really saying when I got to the doors of Al-Anon....Just Stop!! and it did and not in anyway I thought that it should because I found out that there was a Power Greater than myself who had a part to play in it all should I let Him/Her.

Go read. (((((Hugs))))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that your own program of recovery will help you no matter what your husband does. That is the number-one way to take care of yourself.

The way I see it, deciding that you need to separate is a decision everyone has the option to make, and there is no one right way. It would not make you a bad person. Getting clarity on alcoholism and recovery and healthy choices is helpful before making any decision. That does not mean anyone should stay in an impossible situation.

The situation might be more complicated than it appears. Alcoholics often have an exaggerated idea of how well they're handling recovery and, of course, how much they can control their drinking in the first place. I gave my alcoholic husband several ultimatums like this. Several times he said that naturally he chose me. In fact, he said, his drinking wasn't that important to him anyway, so it wasn't even a difficult choice. I think he really believed it. His ability to follow through with that was a different matter. Each time he swore he wasn't drinking, and for a while he wasn't, and then I became suspcious, and he denied he was drinking, and after a while he couldn't hide it any longer and things descended into chaos, and then I gave him another ultimatum, and the whole cycle started again.

The Al-Anon saying is, "He's going to do what he's going to do -- what are you going to do?"

I hope you're getting to meetings, finding a sponsor, and reading all you can. Hugs.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My life began to change when I began to understand that alcoholism is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease, not a choice. Many A's out there get multiple DWI's, go to jail, lose their families, lose their livelihood, lose their homes. Some even die from alcoholism. If they had the choice to stop drinking instead of suffering these consequences, I believe they would. I don't believe that a sane person would continue to drink in the face of such horrible consequences. I learned this in the rooms of Alanon.

I've been where I wanted to tell my AH to choose. I did tell him to choose. I told him this, thinking that it would shock him into giving up the booze when he realized how serious I was about not living that way anymore. I thought it would make him stop - but it didn't work. Just like all the other things I tried to get him to stop. I didn't have the power to make him change - but i discovered that I did not have to be miserable. I learned in the rooms of Alanon, however, that the things he was doing - he was not doing them TO me. He was drinking because alcoholics drink. He was lying because alcoholics lie. It's part and parcel of the disease - it was nothing he was doing TO me, he was just doing what alcoholics do. There's a good reading about pidgeons in the Courage to Change book. It talks about a person sitting under a tree that has a pidgeon in it. The pidgeon did what pidgeons do, and the person got pooped on. It wasn't personal. The pidgeon didn't think, "Hmmm ... think I'll aim the poop where it hits her." The pidgeon just pooped, and the person was sitting there. No matter who was sitting there under the pidgeon, he'd get pooped on. The point is - we can choose to sit somewhere else so that even if the pidgeon poops, we don't get hit. :) It doesn't mean we can't go to the park anymore - just that we take care to not sit under the tree.

That said, sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes people behave badly regardless of whether they're drinking. My exAH was such a person. It did not make me a bad person for deciding that I was not going to be abused anymore. It didn't make me a bad person for deciding that there was particular behavior that I was not going to tolerate from anyone - alcoholic or not. If that behavior was there, I could make some other choice for myself. I wasn't bad - I was learning how to take care of myself.

Nobody will tell you whether to leave or not. You're not a bad person regardless of the decision you make. But if you're new to recovery, it's suggested that we don't make any major changes for at least 6 months. This allows time to get a little understanding of what recovery can do for you, and how your life can change as a result, regardless of whether someone else is drinking or not. Hang in there - keep with your meetings and keep coming back.

Summer

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 24th of July 2011 05:37:22 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He has a horrible disease. They cannot just decide to be a husband or father again. it is not that easy. sounds like he is trying to get well.

But that does not mean you cannot take a break. Your husband is very sick.

I hope you will come here awhile, read literature, go to meetings.

I sure know how you feel. Myself I did not allow mine around my kids. At the time he was also very angry, I did not trust him.

Hope to see you come here a lot! love,deb

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope you are getting to meetings, found a sponsor etc
I will be brutally honest here in telling you in my experience ultimatums have never worked. Your husband is new in recovery, if he sticks with it he has a long road to go. But so do you... you have been affected by this disease as have your children. You can leave your husband but as you have children you will be dealing with him the rest of your life.
Manipulation tactics ( if they work ) are short term solutions.
This is where you work your program while your husband works his.
Put you and the children first by working your program and changing your own behaviors.
Wishing you the best of luck
blessings

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

The only thing I can say is what is working for me. I came here a year ago. I didn't want to hear what was suggested. I went a long with it for a bit, but left and came back this past April. I had hit my bottom. I had enough and I was on my knees asking for help. I was at my wits end. I felt crazy. I couldn't imagine another day the way I was living. I am getting better every day now, with this board, going to meetings in real time, reading my alanon literature like One day at a time and Courage to change and the book that has the golden award: Getting them Sober. Get it, read it, do it. You need to work on you now, and that is what alanon is for. I feel so much better since I started again in April. I need to be here. I am learning to live my own life and my Afiance is actually seeing the changes and beginning to want sobriety. Setting a boundary like you say to ask him to choose, it won't work. It won't shock him. I tried that. I tried everything to get my afiance to see my way. Nothing worked, not yelling, silent treatments, coercing, forcing, tricks, fake boundaries nothing. The only thing that is working is finding me and working on me and getting off his back. As Tom says: He is either going to drink or not, what are you going to do?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.