Loving relationship with an alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

lostbird3 · Newbie

Loving relationship with an alcoholic

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Lost bird,

I must say that I can relate. What made the difference for me in my relationship with my spouse who has not found the gift of sobriety was working the steps with a face to face sponsor in Alanon. When I began working with her she said for me to refrain from making any major decisions in my life for six months to one year unless there is a case of physical abuse. I am so glad I listened to her. I began my journey of working the steps with someone that was kind, patient, loving and understanding.

Going to meetings provided much relief but working the steps on an ongoing basis is the journey towards recovery. I received much support from other members in face to face meetings who have walked a similar walk as I had. However, step work with my sponsor gave me a different perspective and insight to percieved "problems" in my life.

There is hope. I still live with active alcoholism, have a family, and deeply love the man for whom I married. For me I have to remember that failure is an event, not a person. I make the decision to be married one day at a time like I work my steps, one day at a time. I've discovered my alanon program only has a 24 hour shelf life. I get out of it what I put into it. It works if you work it. I can honestly say that you can be happy, joyous and free in the absense or the presence of the disease. That discovery is only a byproduct of the journey of working the steps. There is no graduation for me in the program. The lessons still come. I have found that any problem can be put into the steps as life is still in session.

I am so glad you posted today. I do so hope you will stick around to get to know us a little better.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs lostbird,

I just wanted to say welcome and keep coming back. :)

P :)

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

lostbird, I can relate. I know I am unhappy living the life with my addicted spouse, multiple addictions. I keep trying to change her and it never works, of course. My gut tells me I shouldn't stay in this relationship unless I can accept that things will never be the way I want them, and I probably deserve much more from a spouse. Yet I don't want to leave. I've left several other relationships and one 13 year marriage to a male. I'm older now. I don't want to leave anymore, and I don't even want anymore relationships. It's my choice to stay and yet I feel stuck. I read all of the replies to your post. I used to be happy in this unhappy relationship, but she drank on father's day, and the following weekend she lied, and it sort of pushed me over the limit. I've lost my ability to be compassionate. I'm very angry and very sad. Lyne

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds to me like he is changing , he is responding to you not fighting ... miracles come in small packages sometimes , keep doing what your doing go to meetings get a life regardless of what he is doing and your gonna be fine .

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am in the same boat as Tommyecat and Abbyal. Keep working on you and keep going to meetings. You have to want healing more than anything else for you to feel better and for him to get it on his A radar. For me, I live with someone who still drinks and because I am letting go and letting God, and working on me in this spiritual program, he is seeing this and wants to get better. I am working on finding a sponsor, the face to face sponsor and meetings are the things I use to keep feeling better. I read my alanon literature like One Day at a time and Courage to Change and the book Getting Them Sober which has helped me so much. Take care of you! Alanon works when you work it, and you are worth it!

lostbird3 · Newbie

Thank you all... I have been going to meetings religiously for quite some time. It just hurts that the more and more I go, the more and more I realize that this isn't right for me. One of the things my sponsor pointed out to me was that we don't have a relationship with the people outside of us. He has his friends, I have my friends, and we don't mingle. I don't allow him around my family anymore either. I don't feel like we have a relationship anymore. We are sweet to each other when we are home together but when he is out, he doesn't worry about me. He is so good to me when we are together but he talks so poorly about me to his friends, ie "She's so insecure" "She's crazy" etc... And yes, it's true, I used to be that way but for at least the past few months we haven't fought and I haven't shown any of my old behavior and it's hurtful that he still talks about me this way to his friends (who are frequent drinkers). I just don't understand. Is it normal for an alcoholic to bad mouth their partner behind their back? What good does that do? He makes statements to his friends like "Don't worry about her this weekend, she'll be working?" I don't understand why he still makes statements like that when I don't even say anything to him about his drinking anymore... It makes me feel horrible. I try so hard and he's nice to my face and I don't know if I just think he's loving because I want to believe everything is okay or if he really is. I have to look at the facts and the facts say that his behavior is not loving, it's disrespectful. He does something wrong and then he comes to me and tells me that he loves me. He tells me he would do anything for me and then when I need him to drop something off at work and he's home all day, it's too inconvenient for him to drive "all the way out there" (15 minutes.....)

Al-Anon tells me to be loving towards the alcoholic and I try so hard and I think I do a fantastic job at that.... but inside, it's killing me. I've given him so much time and so much space, and although things are changing on the outside, inside I still feel bad. It just doesn't feel right and I'm afraid if I leave, that it will be unloving of me.

(I just read the post on infidelity as well...) My alcoholic has cheated on me in the past. I am positive of two times and he swears up and down that there has never been any other times, but when he goes out drinking, he stays at his friends' house overnight so I never really know where he is. I've noticed that when we used to argue, he would message other girls on his facebook and it was very flirtacious however, I have no clue if that lead to anything. He also used to message girls on his phone. I haven't found anything incriminating recently, but I do noticed that when he comes home, the text messages on his phone and recent phone calls have all been deleted. I know that lying is part of the disease, but I do not feel like I need to be in constant fear of him cheating on me again. That's mostly why I haven't been arguing with him... I don't know, I'm rambling but am I supposed to wait until he finds true sobriety... and until then, he gets to go and run around? And the hard part is that I can't ask him about anything like that because he will lie. This is terrible, I don't know what I'm doing... Going to the meetings makes me feel like I should stay and that "things will get better"... but how long should I wait.

Do the people who stay put up with the disrespect and live their lives as if it's not happening? Or are their alcoholics not doing these things? Honestly guys, I don't know what I'm doing... I keep coming back and nothing is getting easier or clearer

-- Edited by lostbird3 on Monday 25th of July 2011 05:19:52 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Lost,

I have boundaries that I know what I will and will not put up with, they are promises to myself that remind me I am worthy of love and respect. It really boils down to if he's going to cheat nothing you say or do is going to keep him from cheating. Even if he becomes sober there is no guarantee he's going to be faithful. None of us have that crystal ball. It's no different than the drinking. What it really boils down to is what do you want for you and your life. I'm talking about healing for you. What boundaries are you willing to set and are you willing to stick to them.

The whole "your crazy" issue. First thing I don't believe any of us are crazy, crazy behavior absolutely. Again it's deflection, point one finger at someone believe me there are three pointing back at you. So all of the "crazy" talk, as well as the other knocking you down talk, deflection as long as we are focused outside ourselves we do not have to address our own issues. Yes, you might have done some things in the past however past is the past. This is one of my boundaries, I deserve to be treated with the same respect I give others. If I am not then I have the right to say something, and I can do it in kindness. If I'm still not being heard I have the right to remove myself from the situation (I'm referring to the room I was in .. lol .. or where ever). My boundaries are about me and what is or is not ok for me.

When I walked into Alanon, I found out that I was allowing myself to be treated like a doormat. Honestly this was a shocking discovery .. lol. I don't know why that it was it sure was .. lol. For some reason that worked for everyone else in my life except me .. lol .. gee I wonder why? I was angry that people treated me the way I allowed them to treat me. It wasn't until I took some responsibility for what part did I play my own doormat syndrome that it started to change for me. Some people appreciate the new me and some people don't and very honestly I gotta ask myself maybe that relationship played out and it was time to move on. I have no ill feelings about that either, it is what it is, I happen to like who I am becoming. I want people who are going to accept me and support me during my journey not knock me down.

I've been working out of the book Co Dependent No More by M. Beattie and it's been a God send for me. This time it really struck a cord for me I just think I'm in a different place than I was when I originally read it .. lol .. I'm certainly older and wiser than I was at the time. It's a good read and it helps to do the exercises in the book. It has really opened my eyes in a very positive way. The other book I know people talk about here is Getting them Sober, Toby Rice (?) I am working on getting into that book as well. :)

Big hugs it does get better, and just keep putting forward your effort. We all do the best that we can given the information we have, moving forward is a good place to be. :) P :)

lostbird3 · Newbie

Thank you so much for that Pushka! The whole idea of deflection really put things into perspective. My alcoholic is good at saying thats that make me feel like I am unworthy and that everything is my fault. I've learned that it's a form of emotional abuse. I know that I don't want to believe that my alcoholic really does the things he does and says the things he says, but I know that I am a volunteer for this treatment. I'm just taking it one day at a time. As my sponsor said, I'll be done when I'm done.

Again, thanks Pushka... your message really cleared some things up

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