I remember when I first came to recognize that Alcohol was possibly, at least part of the problem in my marriage.  I was so desperate to learn what was wrong with my family, wrong with me and wrong in general. I wanted to fix it, understand it and get as far away from what was happening as I could.  I had tried every conceivable and possible solution that I had found to quiet the loud, stifle the screams, sew up the holes, and glue the broken that I lost myself in the process.  I was more than desperate - I was numb, feeling abandoned, shunned, manipulated, scared, and totally unhappy.  Life being married as I lived it - was a joke and I was feeling like everyone was laughing at me.  I became someone I never dreamed I would.

I also remembered that Rubbish Truck that used to come down my street every Monday Morning when I was a little girl.  It seemed timed to land in front of my house almost as I walked out of the front door on my way to school.  One of the men on that truck always smiled and waved at me - he was nice, he was friendly, he paid attention to me.  He didn't know what went on inside my home, he didn't know what went on inside my head...yet, he still seemed to like me and care enough to be friendly.  I remember also the big sign in the side of the Waste Management Truck - it seemed to resemble my life...and I used to get angry when I read it.  It said:  "Our Service Guarantee: Great Customer Service - or DOUBLE Your Trash Back!" with a big smiley face at the end.  

I was not getting Double my trash back, I was feeling like that trash!  Worthless, hopeless, embarassed and ashamed of the choices I made and was making as an adult. 

Because of my hearing loss, I have had to find ways to compromise, sacrifice and strengthen what I am able to do, in order to compensate for my lack of hearing.  Thus, I am an extremely observant, visual and vocal person.  I am an action speaks louder than words kind of gal - for obvious reasons.  This lead me to struggles with a HP (or God) of my understanding.  I couldn't see or hear this wonderful, strong person who supposedly took care of me and helped me take care of me as well.  It eluded me to understand this 'feeling' of belief understanding and acceptance in a Diety that was accepted but not seen or heard.  I needed a better way if Alanon was to be understood and the steps being able to be taken one at a time.

When life totally fell apart for me and I was in the frame of mind that no matter what I touched, what I said or did or even didn't do - nothing was going to change.  I was immobile. I was scared.  There was no means to an end - no light at the end of this tunnel...I knew I had to once again go to the strengths I could muster and begin to look again for resources, help, and support - but WHERE?  I had run out of options, run out of words to search for this convoluted problem that did not really have a name that I was sure of.  I could describe all of it, but I self doubted myself as to the reason - the label - the sickness.

I was desperate.  I felt blue, deflated and without purpose. I was feeling like I was going to literally blow up in a million bits and pieces if something didn't give.

I went grocery shopping.

As I was walked down an isle, I saw color -  there was this big selection of helium balloons attached to an endcap.  They were pretty, all colorful and bobbing up and down - except one.  It was a Blue Balloon.  It was losing it's Zip, it's Strength, it's Life.  Although it was still floating - seemingly trying to stand tall, survive and compete with all the other balloons in the batch. I immediately equated that poor balloon to me...dying.  I bought it - feeling sorry for 'it'.   Feeling sorry for me...

I brought my groceries and blue balloon home.  Put away what needed attending and went to the couch with a Black Sharpie Magic Marker.  On that Blue Balloon, and through runny nose and leaky eyes, I wrote my heart out.  Writing everything and anything that was hurting & affecting me. Things in the Past and in the here and now. My personal pity party of pain.  I wrote my fears, anger, frustrations, insecurities, doubts, questions and then some.  By the time I was done, there was minimal 'blue' showing anymore.  This slowly losing air Blue Balloon became a morph of blackness.  I needed a 'visual'.  I needed 'action' - words, they were there...they had been there for way too long...I needed to DO.  I needed positive production, I needed something more than what I have always done.  I needed different, I needed Help.  "Actions speak louder than words".  This was my last possible action solution, I had run out completely of ideas and solutions, I had turned every stone, even looked for more stones to turn - nothing worked.

I went outside with my black and blue balloon. I looked up to the sky.  I begged God - 'if you have never heard my voice before, please hear me now God - I am done, deflated, dying and this is my last attempt at anything conceivable for help...here it is - all of it - every last bit of ME...the whole story.  I am giving it to you because Alanon tells me to "Let Go and Let God", to 'Get out of your way", to 'Trust in YOU, because I can't do this alone".  I talked to the sky, still with runny nose and leaky eyes. 

Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double your Trash back!.....yeah! 

 I let that black and blue balloon go.  I 'gave' it all to him.  I watched it fly away until it was not seen anymore.  I didn't believe it would actually go anywhere because it was not strong, full of life and zip - like all those other balloons.  But, there it went.

When it was out of sight.  I prayed harder and louder than I ever did in my lifetime.  I repeated myself, I cried even more.  Then I reluctantly went inside ready to  'do it all over again'. 

But, one thing was different.  I felt like 100 pounds were taken off my shoulders, I felt like I accomplished SOMETHING - finally.  I felt a flicker of hope, of strength and belief in the 'unseen'.  The little ember within seemed to find life again deep down within.

Slowly,

I found Alanon...

Slowly,

I came...

Even more slowly,

I came to believe...

I believe I will let him.... 

~!~