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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When your child is your A
Post Info TOPIC: When your child is your A
Debilyn


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When your child is your A
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Would you who have a child who is A please share about this? Of course I appreciate everyones shares too.

My friend is struggling. Xeno you are so right, and you reminded me of things thank you

My friend from High school I have always called my brother came over very upset.

His darn son who is around 23, got fired from fire fighting as he had a dirty ua He came home with a couple thousand dollars. I said oh no you know what he will do with it. bro asks me what? He is going to buy drugs!

So today bro comes over, the son came in last night,pushed him around, said he was going to kill him, horrible stuff. From all I heard it is meth. Well we all know how very dangerous that is for the user and those around them.

I had him sit on the deck, came into the cabin and thought about all you guys have shared, how to share with him, knowing the horrible pain you all go thru.bro is also acoa, terribly abused. He grew up with my ex AH and my deceased bil who were both abused to and acoa.

First I wrote a 24 hour notice of eviction to put on the door. For outragious behavior. Then made bro a list, go to police station, press charges. start the restraining order.

gave him our site and to look up ACOA.

thennnnn told him to get a sliding lock for the door. Offered to change his doorknob.

He is doing all of it, Of course his heart is broken. He is 58 at our age we are old. I reminded him that his son is sick, his brain is NOT working right. Its no excuse to do and say such horrible things. But this is not his usual son talking.

I carefully listened and answered. when he was leaving he says, " I just don't know what to do." I said, you guys would tell him, take care of you.

Bro made a boundary, no using and coming home at al hours etc or you have to leave. Well son pulled this.

he said he will kick in the door! I said good then you grab the phone go into the br lock the door and call 911. the more miserable he is the better. The sicker he gets, the sooner he may get miserable enough to stop.

But to actually see my friend so broken and hurt. ugh. So he has till tomorrow at noon to get him and his stuff out. If he doesn't then I will help bro to pack up kids stuff and store it up here. then kid has 30 days to come get it. if he does not, it gets given away.

I can hardly just sit here. I think I am going to have to chance getting to his place and back. (gas) this kid is big.

Makes me so very sad, this kid bucked hay for me and did work on my place.

Thank you for sharing when it is your child that is an A. It helped me so much to think about what you had share and how others responded.

I don't have an AH in my life anymore, but this is a perfect example what makes me need you guys.

Hugs,debilyn who is very protective of my brother.



-- Edited by Debilyn on Saturday 23rd of July 2011 10:40:40 AM

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

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xeno59


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RE: A kids and young adults
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(( deb ))

I am so sorry for your friend, he must be terribly hurt and frightned right now. As you know my son is an A. And I grew up surrounded by A's, my husband and I thought we did all the right things to break the cycle and of all our familes (A"S) we are the only ones to have a child who is an A. I had a lot of resentment about that in the beginning. But that is another story.
I was able to somewhat detach from my other A's lovingly but detaching from my child, the son I adore no matter what was a whole new ball game. It was like starting from scratch. And letting him go was the hardest thing and took me the longest time to do. But as my husband and I are both disabled it was literally him or us, he was going down with the ship and taking us with him. We aren't ready for that by any means.
I don't know if your friend has prior experience with addiction, works the program? or this is totally come out from left field for him.
If he hasn't ( or even if he has ) had prior experience I wouldn't be terribly shocked or disappointed if he wasn't able to follow thru with the plan you both came up with. Or he may very well be on board. I know this was the one thing that put a wall inbetween my husband and I. My husband was ready to let go long before me. I had to keep working and working the program to get on the same page..and mean it. My threats were empty and my son knew that. and a plan made out in the heat of the moment may look different when its time to enforce it, just sayin.
However I had no problem turning him over to the authorities. I knew if I did that then my son was safe, sober, a roof over his head etc.
I will keep your friend and his son in my prayers
Now to you helping to pack up son's things and storing them. That concerns me. I know you want to help your bro as much as you can, be mindful these kids like my son hold there belongings as meger as they may be in high standing and if this kid finds you have his things I do worry about you putting yourself in harms way. again just sayin pls be careful.
This makes me so sad for our young people

Blessings

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Pushka


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Hugs Deb,

It's so hard to watch someone else live a train wreck waiting to happen. Knowing the ultimate outcome knowing the hard answers that are waiting to be found. I admire your ability to keep a clear head during this time and just hold his hand knowing how hard it is on both sides of the coin. Doesn't matter if this situation is the spouse or the kid.

Sending support to you and your brother from another mother, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
tommyecat


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Deb,

I just want to lend you my support as you are going through this.  You are a wonderful instrument that your HP is using to help your brother through this.  I myself have no experience on this topic.  But I am here in love and backing you with supportive thoughts as you walk through this.

xoxo,

Tommye

 



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Debilyn


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RE: When your child is your A
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xeno thank you. this helped me so much. He did not press charges or start a restraining order. He did post the eviction.

Of course his son is not taking him seriously.

I thought about it, no room here anyway really. Even so he has no idea where I live. But I appreciate you making me think! hugs deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
canadianguy


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Deb - I know you are scared for him, and this sounds like a bad situation, but please remember for your brother - what we all need as well.....  you can help with suggestions or optons of what he might be able to try, but try not to control HIS actions.....just like us, your brother needs to find his recovery in his time.... if you are putting up eviction notices etc., it may well be the so-called "right" thing to do, but the reality is your brother may not be deep enough in his recovery to follow-up and be consistent.....  Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes in support of newbies in recovery, we have to be willing to let them choose their path as well....

Food for thought

T



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Debilyn


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Pushka and Tc thank you. I didn't realized until this morn how much this is upsetting me. rrrr I am not suppose to go thru any hi stress, as it really messes up my digestive system. Then the anorexia symptoms kick in.

You both are right, I sure appreciate the support.

It's sorta strange how I fell in love with my ex AH the moment I saw him. His younger brother was one of my best friends too. And this bro grew up with them.

They were all horribly abused by A fathers, didn't have much money. Here I come along from a very happy childhood, all my needs and most wants met.Knowing I was loved, and not ashamed.

We are very nice people, work hard, help others. We know we are no better than anyone else. I had NO Idea what these three boys had gone thru. didn't understand why they showed me other houses said they were theirs...told me I was too good for them along with my best girlfriend who grew up like me.

I loved them because they were country boys. Fun,liked to play.We would go hang out at night in this covered bridge. bro and I took marathon walks all over. ex ah and I would play cards in the barn and kiss. bil and I used to go watch planes take off and land.

I tutored him in Hi school. He worked so hard on this notebook with me. I got an A he got a D .I was soooo mad, 15 years old, went up the teacher and asked what was going on. He says well you did most the work.

Oh man I was madder. I was very moral. rrrr I let him have it. He said I was right and he gave him a B.

sitting here crying. I have to help my bro break this cycle of abuse.

sniff, deb

 

 

anyway sorry to go on. Hurts me you guys. Now I saw my bil, ex ah's brother die in my arms, my ex ah is so brain damaged, and now my bro is in so much pain. ugh



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Debilyn


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Thank you Tom you sure are right. He asked me where to get the eviction notices. I told him he can just write them. So we sat on the deck and wrote one.

It was up to him to post it,BUT you are right. so right. When he left here he was ready to do it all.

All he did was post it. I forget Tom that for them this is normal, familiar. Bro has NO idea what it would be like to have a calm life.

Wow you just helped me big time. you know me so well....

hugs,love,deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
oldergal


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Deb, quite frustrating when you are trying to help someone with an "A". You can see it so clearly, but the person you are trying to help is reaching out but is in a fog, yet knows they need help. They can take your advise and go through the motions, but if they really don't mean it, it won't work. Sounds like this kid thinks his Dad is a pushover, and he may very well be because of the emotions he feels for his son, and the unbelief that "is this really happening", this beautiful little boy I raised has turned into a monster! I think there is a bit of shock also. Don't enable your "Bro", instead give him the tools of the program, the literature the meetings, so he can do what needs to be done on his own. Unless your "Bro" is a really fast learner it will take time to learn the program, it seems to me there isn't a short cut to saving a loved one. The more crisis the more discomfort, the faster you learn you don't want any part of the disease. 

Your compassion is showing! Hang in there and be tough, we need you.

In support of all parents with sons/daughters who have taken the wrong path. 

Oldergal



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Debilyn


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kid has shown bad behaviors for years after parents split up. nope have never enabled brother. Just shared about the program. We talked today and he was telling me about how his brother beat him up, he climbed out of the window to go call police, police came and mom said she did  not see anything. No wonder he is so messed up.

I think it scared me as this was so violent and bro's son threatened to kill bro and said some scarey things.

Yea you are right that my bro has the information now, it is totally up to him to follow thru or not.

He is sticking to the eviction post he says, and he said well at least son knows he is not reacting the same anymore. He is afraid to call the police as he says his son will say it is his fault forever.

So bro is sicker than I realized. I think I need to remember when someone is saying what do I do? I don't know what to do, I will add, well these are your options, and of course one is to do nothing.

I learned a long time ago if something is hurting you way too much, get rid of it. I think about that when I make decisions.

thank  you very much!! love,deb 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
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