conflict versus nothingness - Al-Anon Family Group

oldgraduate · Senior Member

conflict versus nothingness

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sure many will have different experiences to add. I just wanted to say that this happened in two relationships I've been in. What I discovered was that I was in them largely for the attention and adoration that had been there in the beginning. When the attention settled down into normal levels, there wasn't much left (except conflict), because I hadn't really chosen someone who was a good match for me. That was a difficult realization. I believe it's more common that people don't have experience of how to keep their lives interesting without conflict, because many of us didn't grow up knowing how normal life was run. But I wanted to add my perspective in in case someone also had that problem of jumping into a relationship without making sure the person was right for the long term.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs,

Oh yes, and it's more important now to focus on healthy behaviors for yourself, what do you want to do, what do you enjoy and somewhere in the middle meet up and do things together. I find getting to a meeting, reading or doing something I really enjoy helps a LOT. Yes, this is an opportunity to find out about you. :)

P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel your reaction is perfectly natural. But it is not wanting conflict. It seems more that now you need something else to occupy your time.

You naturally will start something as that is familiar. It takes time to change that.

To me boredom is an emotion like happy sad etc. It's not that there is nothing to do. Ya just don't feel like doing anything.

You might want to sit down and think of things you like to do or would like to know how to do.

Start small, plant some flowers, find something to care for. go volunteer,go on walks, Maybe you both could discover new things together. it keeps the relationship alive. go fishing, watch baseball games, there are tons of things to do.

I would hate to see you drift apart now! hugs,deb

ifa · Veteran Member

Part of recovery is finding out how you really like to spend your time. Your H is doing that now, so this could be your chance to do the same. Don't fight with him out of boredom, since that could destroy the relationship.

One of the best things I learned in Alanon was that this is my life and my chance to find the things I love. There has to be more in your life than a person.

It's nice if it turns out you love doing the same things, but very often that doesn't happen. Either way, you can have a good relationship.

I think you want to fight with him because it's better than being ignored. Resist that impulse. We all want attention, and bad attention is better than none. But you can get it from other people, not only from your H.

You can go to meetings, get involved in service, and/or get involved in other things besides Alanon.

One of the best things I learned in Alanon was taking the focus off the other person, and putting on my one and only life. Any time I notice my focus is on someone else, I know I am wasting precious time.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Often when an alcoholic/addict feels bored they do what is easiest and most fulfilling to them...drink or use. For this enabler when I got to feeling bored when things weere running easy and smooth I left my first addict and found and alcoholic right after and when that didn't go over well with my family of orgin I left that one and found another alcoholic/addict and after that one melted into the sand I found another. What is my addiction when feeling bored? fixing the unfixable never myself. Getting into a mind, body, spirit and emotion recovery to care of the boredom for me however I respect that for others like myself early on that wasn't an option...I needed the excitement of the disease. ((((hugs))))

Really good post. smile

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess once the A gets firmly planted in recovery, then you have a new person to deal with. Maybe it is only then that you two can see if you are really compatible. And maybe you are not. But you can at least try as two sober people. That must be better than one active A and one codep. Was the relationship happy while your spouse was active? I think not, or none of us would be here seeking help from alanon. I can only pray that some day I can write you all and say my addicted spouse is in recovery. Lyne

oldgraduate · Senior Member

Thank you for all the advice. It really hit home! I have started several replies, but they all got so long and just seemed to focus on the negative, and on what is wrong with our relationship and with me. I know I need to focus more on me right now and thats what I am going to try to do. In the end it will all be better, one way or another. I asked my HP this weekend to just take my willfullness and lead me as to what I need to do now. Still feeling rejected, and insecure, but I am making it a day at a time. I am trying to do no more harm to the relationship by reacting like I always have. Thanks again.

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