ex friend - Al-Anon Family Group

ifa · Veteran Member

ex friend

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

The 3-A's.... Awareness.... you have that for sure. You sure did describe her. Acceptance... she is who she is. Accept that it is sad, but it is her life. Action... now what are you going to do?

Actually, I love how you described her. And you didn't "sleep with her boyfriend or poison her cat" (LOL). I agree with you. She is screwed up.

KLotus · Senior Member

Ifa,
I like your post :). I like the dialogue, and your humor! Thanks for making me giggle (not a laughing matter though, I know).

I hear a lot of you checking in with yourself, and attempting to communicate, without your friend hearing you. Perhaps she doesn't want to? It sounds to me like your inner voice is correct, that there is something holding your friend back from growth, and your intentions have been to truly recover and grow yourself. Your questions about her choices and lifestyle seem like red flags to me!

I often feel the way you described, wondering how much of relationship issues are me. I think we all do - ? I would say be sure to acknowledge and move through any grief that may be occurring - you have had a long time friendship come to an end and, no matter what the circumstances, that can be difficult. Relationships help us grow, and so does learning to let go. I would even say that it is anyone's right to let go of a relationship (as your friend decided to do), though it's going to be more harmful to her if she isn't doing it for a healthy reason - and I don't think she is. It sounds like she is passive aggressively trying to "make you pay" - and for what? You were simply being honest, as well as being pushed by her. Honesty is supposed to be healthy in relationships. Hang in there, and take care of you.

Thanks for sharing!

KLotus

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ifa

Thought provoking post. It got me thinking about past friendships that have ended or are in the limbo stage. And I have to say I am of the same thinking as you where I maybe would just stop hanging out or contacting someone rather than making a total clean break. But from what you described Luna is an all of nothing kind of person so maybe she needs that clousre.
Also find it interesting that you describle her as a "recovery" person almost to the extreme yet is sick.
I have found since entering this program ( and this took me a while ) I thought at first the amount of time someone was in the program gaged how "recovered" they were. So if they were in 20 yrs they must be totally recovered while 2 yrs they are still a work in progress. And i found using this method I trusted some of the wrong people. Years in recovery doesnt equal how far along in recovery they are or if they were actually living thier recovery outside of meetings etc.
So while I may be impressed by someone who tells me they have been in the program 20 or so yrs and kudos to them but I no longer assume they are actually working that recovery.
Also since finding my own recovery I had to look at some of my friends and ask myself if I met them today would I pick them knowing what i know now as a friend and many times the answer is no. Doesn't mean I don't like them or keep in touch only that I am not going to get caught up in thier chaos as I would have a few yrs ago.
Sounds like Luna thrives on chaos and conflict ( that is kind of judgemental i know just going by your description) so I would ask myself is that what i need in my life right now.
Wishing you the best in your recovery
Blessings

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In think instead of thinking of things as "is this my fault?" the more useful question is usually the Al-Anon question, "What's my part in it?" I've had a number of friendships with people like this. When I think back on it, my part is in is that often I could see that they had difficulties with friends, after a while they'd blow up at them or lose them or blame things on them in a way of "It's all her fault!" But I thought that I was different and special and that it wouldn't happen to me. I guess I sort of believed her that it was all their fault. Whereas really the thing all the friends had in common was her. When it would be my turn to be the bad guy who betrayed her and should never be spoken to again and so on, I was horrified.

So I think my part in those dynamics was that I believed I was exempt and it wouldn't happen to me. So I put more store and energy into the friendship than I would have if I had really taken on board how limited her capacity was.

Sort of just like what happens in my romantic relationships too. Argh.

I think seeing someone for who they really are instead of for what we need is one of the hardest things, but also one of the most valuable.

It's so painful when people turn out to be so limited. Take good care of yourself. Hugs.

All I can be · Senior Member

Thank you for your post.

Maybe throwing parties, having meetings and showing off the house can be an unconscious effort to lure everyone in so she can atempt to control them. It is bad policy to try to make yourself indespensible so that faults can be exercised.

Giving should not be for what you get in return from others. If someone has the peace of being a good person they dont have to go broke to impress. A true caring smile is the best communication I know. What is important for me is the clarity in my recovery.

Dont poison the cat...

-- Edited by All I can be on Friday 22nd of July 2011 04:03:25 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like how you handled this, you didn't allow her to pull you in.

I learned to be careful what I share to certain people. If they are strange at all, they may use it against you.

Great progress!

I see how quickly you use the examples of, sleeping with someones boyfriend or poisoning a cat.....

Hon do YOU have anything you need to talk about??? hahahahahaha

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I go by the motto: When people show you who they are, believe them.

From that point I can either choose acceptance or blind them with butt (as I walk away).

ifa · Veteran Member

"Sounds like Luna thrives on chaos and conflict ( that is kind of judgemental i know just going by your description) so I would ask myself is that what i need in my life right now."

Maybe that's true. It never occurred to me that maybe she loves conflict. And every conflict she ever had is always entirely the other person's fault. She did nothing wrong, ever, because she is an absolutely loving person who would never hurt anyone. Obviously, she has skipped over steps 4, 5 and 6.

"Rejection is God's protection. I would be relieved to be rid of the drama."

Yes I agree. Maybe this happened because she is not meant to be in my life any more.

"I could see that they had difficulties with friends, after a while they'd blow up at them or lose them or blame things on them in a way of "It's all her fault!" But I thought that I was different and special and that it wouldn't happen to me."

I didn't think I was special, but I thought since I try to be tolerant and avoid conflicts I could get along with her, as long as I kept a distance. I was shocked that she suddenly and totally irrevocably rejected me. But it really is probably not a big loss. Maybe more her loss than mine.

My HP has been giving me wonderful friends in recent years. None of them are perfect, but they are so much more "normal" than Luna. Her life is messed up in many ways, including prescription drugs. I would rather have friends that I admire, and I really stopped admiring Luna when I saw how crazy her life was.

And now I have found this forum which it turns out I really do like, and it is so nice to be able to share even when I can't go to a meeting.

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