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I haven't been on here for a while. I have been out trying to live my life and not think about my ABF. The last time I spoke to him was the end of May, he said that I was stalking him and that I was crazy. Then two seconds later he said when I get too close he has to run for a while and he feels like he is losing God. So after a month of working on things yet again I turned around and walked out. There are days I miss him and days I feel like I am forgetting about him. Then today after a rough week (I had a death in the family) I talk to a mutual friend who is getting married in two months (the bride my friend the groom his). She said that she couldn't invite me to the wedding because my ABF was going to be in it. Since we are not speaking he said if he was going to be in the wedding he didn't want me there. Now we have the same group of friends; seeing each other due to social events is unavoidable. I very kindly told her not to worry and I would be happy to go to her shower and think of her on her wedding day. First of all I am furious he would put our friends in the middle of this. Second I have not communicated with him in any way shape or form for a month I feel like my ABF is doing this on purpose to get a reaction out of me. Like he is trying to really annoy me so I call him or go to his house to chew him out. I feel like I should discuss this with him because this isn't the first time he has done something like this but I don't want to feed into his BS. Any advice? :(
I find that when I don't know what to do the best thing to do is nothing. Yes, you would feed into his BS. And your friends are very shallow for allowing him to come between you and the bride. But there is nothing you can do that will change anything. Let it go. Be sad. It is very sad. Don't burn any bridges with your friends because in the future they will see the truth and then they will be sad. But they will come around.
I'm on board with mary, his actions will speak much louder to others if you stay out of it. There is so much to be said for doing nothing.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks.....yes I guess by feeding into his BS he proves whatever he wanted to himself about me being "crazy." It's just hard when you care about someone so much and grow together only to have that person be so unstable and make you feel worthless.
If he's doing this on purpose to get a reaction out of you, trying to talk to him about him will reward him and show him that he should do this kind of thing any time he wants to stir up trouble.
It is definitely immature of your friends to let him dictate. I've seen so many times that the person willing to make the biggest unhealthy fuss often has sway over others, because they're afraid of his huge and difficult reaction. But their reactions are their own punishment because what they get out of it all is a wedding with a manipulative and bossy alcoholic in it.
I've definitely seen before the kind of behavior where people will do anything to stir up trouble. Often people who can't handle real intimacy can still feel involved with people when they get a kind of war going. It helps distract them from their own inner demons.
You've been through a lot with all that turmoil and then your sad loss this week. This is the time to take extra good care of yourself and move forward with your healthy life. If you're anything like me, by this time next year you'll roll your eyes at your A's nonsense and be so glad your life has changed so much.
Thanks Mattie, Yes I have been through enough this week and with him. Even the sober ones still act crazy. I beat myself up all winter wondering why and how I became this crazy person again. This person who lies and screams at the ABF. I started believing him that everything was falling apart because of me. When really my behavior was a direct reaction to how he had been treating me. It's like when children are abused and then they start getting into trouble; it's not because they are wicked but because they want attention. Because isn't that all we want from those that we love? Four years of this is enough and I told him what I expected if he ever dared think we would make up. I don't think he is willing to give it. I feel like he does this yo yo for control. He will make me all happy and in love. Then he shoots me down so much he knows I'm too upset to replace him. Then as soon as he sees I am moving on he will come back and it starts all over again. He doesn't always want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.
But now you are on to him. Just last week I said to my friend in Al-Anon that my hubby was treating me just great. And then I said, "for now." I know that it won't last. And I have no expectations that it will last.
Dear parfait624, I don't know for sure, but I think that mattie is probably right about his ability to handle true intimacy. The pattern you describe, of approach-avoidance, is typical of some people who are afraid of closeness.
As maryjane said, "now, you are on to him". By the way, that type of personality trait can drive you crazy if you let it.
Like mattie, before my marriage, I have broken up with boyfriends (one of 4 years duration) and been in sooo much despair. After moving on--and look back---I wonder what in the world I thought was so "wonderful" about him!
That, my dear, is what I hope for you.
Stay cool. Keep the faith.
Sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Friday 22nd of July 2011 08:36:39 AM
He is not doing anything that is not cosigned by your friends. These friends have made a choice independent of him. He has done the same. They are feeding each other.
I have been in that type of a situation. I decided that my picker might be broke and to try to fix that before gaining new friends. :) I left the old ones behind that brought about controversy and my new ones are wonderful. I really didn't want to have to be in that situiation again.
I recognized what my A was doing that was hurting me, and what my friends were doing that hurt me. I kept each one separate in my mind, and didn't put the onus on anyone else for the decisions of each party.
Do not initiate any conversations with him. I wouldn't usually give advice, but you asked, and I have no doubts about this, even without knowing you or him.
