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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Your perspective?
Post Info TOPIC: Your perspective?
youfoundme


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Your perspective?
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Last night at my home group meeting, I was talking after the meeting with my alanon friend and a gentleman.  The man is a self proclaimed double winner, that white knuckled it for 23 years before he came to AA and Alanon which he says makes it easier to not drink (7 years ago he came to the meetings).  He was a drug and alcohol counselor during those years before AA/alanon and after listening to a few things I said, he said something that I am not sure about. 

I told my friend and him how sweet my fiance is, getting up in the morning, making us both fruit and yogurt smoothies, coffee, making my lunch for work etc.  How he really seems to think of me and do stuff around the house without being asked.  How he is trying to not drink etc. 

My friend thinks that we are both trying really hard and that we believe in each other and that he may join me in recovery eventually from what my A says.  The man said he thinks my fiance is working out of FEAR.  Fear that I will kick him out or leave him.  At first I felt, oh yeah I didn't see it that way.  But now its making me so sad to think that maybe he is right.  I may be looking too far into this and obsessing about it now, making myself sick. 

My friend said "all of us are sick, some are better at hiding it".  And she said that she believes that my fiance and I are two scared people who believe in each other.  And love each other.  What do you think? 

I am tired today, so it may be that contributing to this as well.  Thanks in advance.



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Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Pushka


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YFM,

Hugs!! My perspective is that at this point time is going to be a factor. They could be right and that's ok. Sad, yes, however I choose to see it this way. If there was a car accident and you have 3 witnesses and they are asked what happened, chances are you are going to hear 3 different versions of the same story. They will have similarities however there will be differences based upon experiences and what their own truth of the situation is. You are not required to make any decisions right now and what was said, maybe you aren't ready to hear the words that have been spoken .. again that's ok.

You need to heal in your own time. My situation is similar as far as my husband is def operating out of fear and that he's afraid what will happen "if". The best thing I can do for him is to step back and allow him the freedom to decide for himself where he wants to go with his own healing. All I need to know is what my truth is and what is ok or not ok for me. In doing so operating from a place of pure integrity of spirit and putting God's will for all of us at the head of the table in my life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, remember no one else lives your life except you and you live with the consequences of all of your choices.

Hugs and love, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
ELEKTRAWMN


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Wow. I'm struggling a bit with these feelings myself. As ABF sits in jail on the verge of coming out I'm getting a lot of talk about "I want this to happen, I plan on this to happen, This is what I want".... those things are awesome to hear... just melts my heart. But I wonder the same thing. Is he saying these things to have a place to go when he gets out? Is he sincere wanting to be sober? I have no clue. I've heard over and over again on here about actions. Waiting for his actions when he gets out.

In my opinion, your fiance is showing actions. I can be wrong, but is it possible that you DO in fact have someone that is sincerely making an effort?

What a difficult situation we are both in.

Here's to your strength! :)

((hugs))

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~Kat

 Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
youfoundme


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Thank you both for your responses and shares :) I am glad to be here! I agree he is showing some actions. He has said "I want to be sober, I am trying not to drink" and he really is, white knuckling it, but trying...I said yesterday morning that I hope he joins me in recovery one day. Then I left it at that. Say what I mean, mean what I say and I didn't say it mean.... Thanks ladies :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
canadianguy


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Hmm... the first thought that popped into my head when reading your post was one of my favorite sayings:  "What you think of me is none of my business"

I guess my take on it is that he doesn't really know you, or your A, at all, so I wouldn't put much credence in his opinion....  He may be right, he may be wrong, or he may be somewhere in between....

On things like this, I like to trust my own gut/instincts first, and if I need help, I go to others (preferably in recovery) who I know have my best interests at heart, and if nothing else, I treat it as awareness and keep a closer eye on things..... Somewhere in that mix could/should be a consultation with a HP, but I am not the best one to talk about that.....

 

T



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
ifa


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We can get opinions from others, but we have to remember no one really knows. We don't even know what's going on in our own lives, let alone in the lives of others. So it's just an opinion. Also, not very nice of the guy to make you doubt in that way. Altho he was trying to help, he should not express his opinions as if they are facts.

I get the same thing about my relationship. If I complain that my qualifier hurts me, people say he's no good I should leave him. But everyone hurts everyone, that's life. How many married couples have no conflict and no stress?

Sometimes people in recovery tend to think we should all have fantasy world perfect relationships. But in reality, those are probably not very common even for "normal" people.

When I stay in touch with my HP, I get along with my qualifier and with everyone. So I know that all my relationship problems are portly my own fault.

I know women in recovery programs who go from one relationship to another, year after year after year, always seeking perfection, never realizing they cause half the conflicts.

So we never know if a relationship is good enough, or if we could find a better one, or if we could fix our relationship by improving our own selves and accepting the other person the way they are.

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xeno59


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I have to agree with Tom and his reply here
What others think about me is none of my business.....Has become one my most favorite mottos
No one truly knows the dynamic between you and your A except you and your A.
Your friend could be reading the relationship thru his own experience.
I would like to think that your recovery may be aiding in your bf giving serious thought about his own recovery.
Fear based? maybe I know I got here out of fear but that doesn't really matter anymore what matters is I GOT HERE!
I wouldn't dwell to much on your friends words, take what you like and leave the rest
Blessings

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Otie


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Oh, PLEEEase!!  If I had a nice person bringing me fruit in the morning and making lunch for me...I would hesitate looking that horse in the mouth...at least until something more contrary was presented!

He could be doing worse...like verbal abuse and blame shifting.

I would take it gratefully for what it is.  Also, I would be quick to tell him how much I appreciated his consideration.

After all, in time, all things will be revealed anyway.

Sincerely, Otie



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youfoundme


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Thank you all. Tom, you and Xeno are right, its not my business what that guy thinks. And Otie, I hear you, and I make sure to always tell him I appreciate what he does and gives. Nope no abuse or blame shifting there.
Thank you all :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
Mattie


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Maybe he's doing it out of fear, who knows?  if so, we all should have such constructive responses to fear.  I've done a lot of things out of fear myself that sure didn't contribute to the good feelings in the relationship.

The crucial question (not that you have to answer, just in general) is if your fiance is working a recovery program (as opposed to just white-knuckling it).  That would be the real thing that makes a difference in how your relationship goes in the future. That would be the thing to keep in mind, rather than why he's making smoothies.  Smoothies are pretty small change compared to recovery or no recovery.  That's my thought.



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Debilyn


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Each day is precious. It's wonderful you two are sharing some good time.

That guy was full of prunes. A person is not on program when they are taking someone elses inventory.

AA does not stand for Analize, Analize.

I am so glad you two are sharing your love. Treasure it.

love,debilyn going over to hug her dogs, who don't love me only becuz I feed them....



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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youfoundme


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Debi, thanks :) You are funny, you made me laugh out loud when I read that "AA doesn't stand for Analize Analize..." and yeah maybe full of prunes. I didn't see it like that he was taking inventory, but yeah I guess he was. Thanks for your perspective :) HUGS!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
maryjane


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Hi,

I think you have to take each day as it comes and it only comes at you one day at a time.  Fear is always looking down the road.  Fear is always worried about tomorrow.  That is no way to live.  Maybe he is living in fear.  Are you?  Well, now you are, but before you talked to that guy were you?  Just enjoy what you have.  You can't do anything about it anyway.

Maybe he has a point and maybe he doesn't.  But what are YOU going to do today?



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maryjane
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