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I am new to this so hopefully this posts right. Anyway, I am feeling really depressed lately, while at the same time I am also very relieved. It is a kind of bitter sweet feeling. My boyfriend of 3 years, who I have been trying to help with his alcohol addiction ever since I discovered his problem, has gone to rehab. He finally after all these years of trying to convince him to go, made the decision on HIS OWN that he had needed help. This is amazing and I am truly happy that he has come to realize his problem and is FINALLY on the path to changing his life. The only problem with this is now that he is gone, I don't know what to do in regards to our relationship and with myself. Before he was gone, our relationship was always on and off. By this I mean, it was the two extremes of good and bad. We were either amazing and totally in love, or terrible and always fighting. Sometimes to the point where he would get abusive, where we would get in arguments ending up with him pulling my hair, pushing me, or swearing and yelling at each other saying terrible things. It is clear that our relationship was completely unhealthy and unnecessary considering we do not have any ties to each other, i.e kids, marriage or a living situation. However, despite all of this, I really do love him so so much. He was the one I lost my virginity to, the one who would always listen to my problems, and the one I have invested so much of my time and effort into. I care about him more than anything else in this world. I would rather fix this than move on. Now that he is gone to rehab and we are barely able to speak, besides maybe 30 minutes a week, I am really upset. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because he was my everything. This and the fact that I cannot tell my friends or family, because A) it is his personal business and B) my parents just want me to forget about it and move on. I also am wondering if he would even want to be with me when he returns, since our relationship could be so unhealthy at times. I am so insecure that after all the support I have given him, he will realize that he shouldn't be with me or no longer needs me in his life. I was thirdly wondering whether or not I should send him mailed letters. I don't want him to be missing me or worrying about me during HIS recovery process, at the same time I do not want him to feel abandoned. His family and I are going to visit him in 12 days after his "black period" is over. It seems, as you can tell from this post, my life even though he has gone to rehab and is helping himself still revolves around him. I feel like I care about him so much that I barely care for myself and my own needs. Even though I do recognize this, I cannot change it. It is just how I feel. Sorry for the long message, I just really need some advice and support. Should I go to Al-non meetings? Or because he is in rehab, this wont be the type of help I need :S I am so unsure of what to do!!!
Hi there and welcome to MIP. I can hear your spiraling with your time away from him and just want to let you know what helped me in a similar situation. I went to as many Al-anon meetings as I could find and after awile I found a sponsor, and I found this MIP forum which gives lots of support. The face to face Al-anon meetings helped me the most along with a sponsor to get to work on me while I was feeling so alone. I read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and both helped me immensly. I also in Al-anon meetings received lots of literature that was helpful not to mention a great support group of friends I could call and relate to. I bought 2 daily reader's "Hope for Today" and "Courage to Change" and it is wonderful to get out of my head first thing in the morning and hand it all over to my higher power and go about my daya more relaxed and balanced me. It had taken me working this program diligently for the last 6 months and I feel like a new me. I hope to hear more about your journey and thanks for sharing.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
This is an excellent time to take care of yourself. Read all you can on these boards, find a face-to-face meeting (they say to try six before you decide, because they're all different), read Al-Anon literature and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, and learn all you can about alcoholism.
What I wish someone had told me when my alcoholic went into rehab was that only between 5% and 30% of alcoholics who go into treatment stay sober longterm. That was information I needed to know because I kept waiting for treatment to "fix" it. I had some idea that people went into rehab and a few of them relapsed but the rest were cured and everything could start over and be wonderful. Even for the ones who stay with it longterm, they need to work their program really hard, and generally their lives get turned upside down in the process. That's yet another reason concentrating on our own recovery is so essential. Even without noticing we have gotten sucked into the insanity and our own thought processes and decisions have been affected. When we understand more, we can make better decisions and make our lives immensely more joyful and secure.
Glad you have found us, and keep coming back. Hugs.
I think Mattie said it all...and very well. I can read the confusion in your post. Remember it isn't about him...this is about you. Love yourself and do what you know is best for you....Try to find a f2f meeting ...I know everyone says that ..but it really does help to talk to people in the same situation and learn how to handle it...Hugs and good luck
Hi, Welcome to MIP. I am new here also, only been doing f2f meetings and online meetings and the frum for about three weeks. I must say that I wish I had done it sooner. the support you will receive is immense! There are people here who know exactly what you are going through and have felt and still feel like you do today. There are days when I still feel like you describe, but Alanon is slowly helping me learn to do what is right for me and help myself. I agree with all the above, now is the perfect time for you to read up on Alanon and begin to take care of yourself and remember what makes you happy. (((hugs))) to you and keep coming!
I just wanted to welcome you here and say that you are not alone! I came here last year at this time, then left then came back. I need to be here. I cannot make it on my own. My Abf has been in and out of several rehabs and detox centers. It only works if they want it, and they gotta want it. We have to want it too. We have to want recovery from codependency more than anything else. Going to the real time alanon meetings is the place for you to get help and support. There you can listen to what others are doing to keep the focus on themselves. This is a disease of mind, body and spirit and we have it too. For us, we become addicted to the chaos. We begin to gain a tolerance that is so high, just about anything could happen and we will keep letting the person hurt us. We are just as addicted to the addict/alcoholic as they are addicted to alcohol and drugs. So we come to alanon to recover from our addiction. Our addiction helps us not have to look at ourselve and deal with our own pain from life. When we have something to obsess over, we don't have to feel our own feelings. The books that have helped me are Getting them Sober, One Day at a Time in Alanon, Courage to Change and As we understood... Going to real meetings and getting phone numbers and actually calling the alanon people helps so much. This board is great as well, it helps me so much to come here and post. Take care of you, use this time to get your own recovery going. HUGS! Keep coming!!!!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hugs and welcome, you have wonderful ESH right here and now.
The best you can do is get your own head on right and deal with you. What he does or doesn't do with his own recovery is all on him at this point.
Please keep coming back and know you are not alone and that there are other people who get where you are at. P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
