The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I've done a lot of thinking out loud, and last night was a major no sleep zone for me. I know I have to identify what my issue is before I can shut my brain off for the night. After many months of good sleep, it didn't work out so well the past week. I will say so far as I plan on totally sleeping tonight! Dang it! lol.
It's amazing what i choose to do to myself when it comes to silly life situations, how much power I think I have, and how little I truly do.
Somehow I have this extra helping of "responsibility" that I have allowed to sit on my shoulders and I can even remember carrying this feeling around since I was a kid. After all had I been a boy, my dad would have never left, if I had just been good enough my parents would have never divorced, if I just kept quiet and didn't make any noise no one would notice and therefore it wouldn't be my fault. I thought I had burned those tapes long ago. I had to laugh at myself. It's like I feel the need to make up for everyone else who chooses to live in some kind of denial. Man, seriously I wish when i was in denial that's where I was. What a fantasyland it would be and I would be first in line. To choose to be that oblivious, that's just not me .. lol.
My final answer to my situation is this, my husband has the ability for the past 11 months to deny that there was any kind of "incident" going on his life. He has expressed outrage over the fact he's now being penalized. I wish at times I had that ability to feel that I'm being unjustly punished for something I actually did. Here I sit obsessing over the fact somehow it's MY fault and MY responsibility that a pregnant outdoor, stray cat, gave birth somewhere outside and wound up in the shed on our property. LOL .. yes I am all powerful, I have the ability to control weather, pregnant cats, and THIS is what is keeping me up at night. My double helping of misplaced responsibility. Oh the silly webs we weave.
I'm really not sure what to do with this except to ask myself if I really believe all the crappy old tapes of childhood that are playing in my mind at the moment. Or do I resign myself to accept the fact I am under a delusion that I'm oh so powerful, because truly if I had that kind of power would I use it on a pregnant cat OR would I choose to use my extra double helping of responsibility power to take away addiction?
Oh now I'm thinking new comic book super hero, Captain Dysfunction and his family of supervillains. His nemesis could be Addicts R Us, Boy Wonder of Abuse, Queen of Control Issues, and the beat goes on. Would they have capes and if they did what would they be made out of? Newspaper or legal papers?
I guess I need to come to terms that I am truly powerless and I don't need an extra helping of misplaced responsibility. No the reality is I can't control, the weather, pregnant cats or the law. I'm having a hard enough time controlling myself at the moment. If I don't sleep tonight it's really going to be on tomorrow. LOL! I might just write that comic book tonight and have my daughter illustrate it!
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"I guess I need to come to terms that I am truly powerless and I don't need an extra helping of misplaced responsibility. No the reality is I can't control, the weather, pregnant cats or the law. I'm having a hard enough time controlling myself at the moment. If I don't sleep tonight it's really going to be on tomorrow. LOL! I might just write that comic book tonight and have my daughter illustrate it!"
That is where I am at now myself. The atmosphere is crazy right now and wanting me to participate full time. I won't cause I'm working a day to day appointment with HP.
Just got off of an email response which told me that "I don't think you qualify for help because you aren't yet in foreclosure." My response was that when I was in the financial industry being able to pay your bills was the qualifier. Bozo is now the king of the universe. What's going on in my experience is felony stupid ...and inviting. Gonna stay with HP...better vibes and more lucid communications. (((hugs)))
No Capes! Didn't you see The Incredibles????
I remember hearing something about fighting icebergs and how pointless it is to try. Sometimes in life things happen to us and fighting it is like trying to fight icebergs - can't be done. Sometimes I have to look at what the issue is an ask - is there something I can do or is it an iceberg?
shrugs, helps sometimes (of course, sometimes in my mind's eye I have one of those RPG thingies and start firing at the iceberg, man do the chunks of ice fly!) Cheers!
-- Edited by likemyheart on Tuesday 19th of July 2011 02:57:15 PM
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Ahh like my She-Ra post the other day? LOL... Step 1: I am powerless over EVERYTHING!!!! And my life has become unmanageable. Yes, I am powerless, over everyone and everything but little old me. My head does that too, likes to play tapes. So something I am trying to do in those moments is read Getting them Sober, Courage to Change, ODAAT, and I write in my journal. There are Pod casts out there with alanon speakers on them...try to listen to some of those in the middle of the night? Call someone from alanon as soon as its a decent hour. Get out of your own head... You are doing great Pushka! Keep coming :) HUGS!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I usually think I'm doing good, I've accepted that I am powerless over anyone and thing except myself. But every now and then for some reason, I forget it and need to be reminded. It seems you've already reminded yourself and are coming to terms with it. You're going to be fine. And I sincerely hope that you get a good sleep tonight!
It is ok to have good days and not so good days. We are dealing with a whole lot drama with our AH and life in general. Plus, we are powerless over people, places. and things. Feel the feeling and let it go. Blessings to you.
Pushka, thank you for your post. I so identify with what you are saying and the bit about controlling the stray cat is sooo the kind of thing I would worry about too, and it's laughable! Great reminder of the importance of step one and always remembering our powerlessness over other people, places, things especially stray cats and alcohol.
Would they have capes and if they did what would they be made out of? Newspaper or legal papers? 