The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few minutes ago I put the word 'snooping' in this board's search engine, and I was amazed at how enlightening it was for me to read the posts. It was as if people were channeling me and what I was feeling and doing. To make a long story short, I'd lately been compulsively snooping on my husband, because some things had recently come out that I hadn't known a thing about, and I could feel that the snooping was a sickness on my part, yet I was telling myself it was with good reason, I had to know, etc.etc.etc...
So just wanted to say if anyone else has been having this problem, the posts about it are amazing. I feel like I really learned something about myself this morning. I copied one of the responses and am determined to read it first, the next time I get the 'urge.'
I did a lot of snooping. I hate it when I feel things are being hidden from me. Now I trust my qualifier even less than before, because of some things I found. I should probably read some of those posts. Can you say which ones you liked best? I don't feel guilty when I am snooping -- if someone is being secretive they deserve it! And if someone does it to me, I think it's kind of flattering that they are so interested in me.
But it does show there is a lack of trust and respect for privacy, I do understand that. Is it common among ACOAs and co-dependants?
I used to do LOTS of snooping. I took it so far that I had his email password and knew most of what he was doing. I did that consistently for about six months while building a case in court so our son was protected from his addictions to both drugs and alcohol.
Looking back, I did do it for my son and am so glad I did as it provided me the tools to ensure our son's safety through the courts where things have to be proven.
That wasn't the only reason though. I was as obsessed with him as he was with his addictions. Even if we didn't share a child together I would have done it I'm sure. I stayed upset for so long knowing what he was doing. He is an A and therefore he will lie, deny, cheat etc. Why did it matter what he was lying about? I was addicted to chaos too and focusing on his lying provided me the chaos I needed.
Now snooping isn't something I do. It robs me of energy that I can be putting on myself in a healthy way. I don't have to care what he is doing and it isn't any of my business. The more I spend my time working on myself and my program, the more I see his negative behaviors. I know they are there and don't have to convince him they are or look for a way to validate myself seeing them. I can set better boundaries, and or leave him if I really feel it is required without fear or regret .
My hp and program is all I need for life to work out no matter what.
I have to say that snooping helped me. I totally see why snooping and obsession with the drinker is harmful. Especially when it's related to wanting to control the person. But my AH was so expert at hiding his drinking that I'd start to doubt my sanity. I couldn't figure out how or when he could ever be drinking, and yet he'd be slurring the least little bit. If I raised the question, of course he'd deny everything and say, "You should get some help for this obsession of yours -- you're not in your right mind, always imagining I'm drinking." And I'd think: am I nuts? Am I imagining things? When I found some of his hidden stashes of alcohol, I realized I wasn't nuts. I realized he was lying. That was a big light-bulb moment. Then I knew what I was dealing with.
Now I just figure he's drinking. We split up, so it's not so much my business. (A little bit still my business, because he takes our child for the day sometimes.) But now I know enough to assume that unless I hear he's going to AA every day and working a strong program -- which I doubt I'll ever hear -- it's safer just to assume he's drinking.
I snoop only if I start to feel the need to protect myself legally with what's going on. I have a right to protect myself and the kids. IF I start to notice I'm doing it for other reasons I drop it. At this point I've only done it during the crazy times of the past year.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ahhh snooping...that old obsession I fall into now and again. I used to do it ALL THE TIME. Now I only succomb to it sometimes. Its a totally obsessed thing that takes over. I find myself going through his phone and then I see something that doesn't even mean anything and I get crazy. I go insane. So for me, I can't snoop anymore. The book Getting Them Sober helped me so much with that. I find other things to do so I don't snoop. When I get busy I get better. Focusing on me is hard, but I do it so that I don't feel that guilt and remorse anymore for snooping. Checking up on him is another one of my disease's favorite past times. I don't do it anymore either. Its another hard one to let go. "whats he doing, when's he doing it..." its insanity. I used to look for his vodka bottles too, and I would sit and calculate just how drunk he was by how many bottles. I am powerless over alcohol. Counting, snooping, checking, questioning, are all ways that I think I can control it. I just can't, thats the first step. I am getting better at not doing those things. Keep coming :) HUGS!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I think the snooping helped me to see that I am not insane and paranoid. Any time I doubt anything he says, he tells me I am insane and paranoid. So I thought maybe I was. But I found out some things that made me feel very bad, but in a way it also helped reassure me that I am not insane. It isa also helping me get more detached from him. When I thought he was being honest and I was being crazy, I felt so guilty for distrusting him. Now I feel more confident, and more detached.
So that's my advertisement for snooping. It's too bad to be in a situation where it is needed, but sometimes it is.
And other times, snooping can reassure you when you find out that nothing is going on after all. I thought family members were constantly trashing me, but it turned out they only trash me on those rare occasions when I ask for help with our mother. The rest of the time, they forget I even exist.
Someone here once said that "If you have to ask, look, snoop, check up, its probably true already" So instead of snooping, asking, looking, checking, I just don't anymore. Its a waste of time and energy. They are either going to drink, cheat, lie, steal, etc...or not, what are YOU going to do in your recovery to get better? Life does not have to be lived this way. Take care of you! Its part of our disease, of mind body and spirit to do these things....
-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 19th of July 2011 03:04:11 PM
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I got over the snooping thing long ago. All it did was upset ME. I am powerless over what the A does so there's no reason for me to know. In most cases that is- I agree with Pushka that there are times I need to know what's going on in order to protect myself. Other than that, I'm better off not knowing.
For myself, I never ever snooped... not me, I was above all of that....
Ouch!!!!! I had no idea my nose would grow that quickly when I lied - it hit my computer screen!! :)
Alas, yes, I was guilty of snooping on a few occasions, and for me, it WAS about control, and an absolute denial (at the time) of anything and everything to do with Step 1 - I honestly thought that if I snooped, I could "fix" her, her alcoholism, and pretty much every thing else wrong in the world....
I humbly accept that I was wrong on all accounts...
To me, snooping falls into my list of "no-no's", if for no other reason that I think it is imperative that we like and respect ourselves, throughout our growth and recovery.... Even if we can "justify" our snooping, it absolutely keeps us enmeshed in our A's business and recovery, as opposed to the healthier plan of diving into our own...
Just my two cents
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think any time a woman thinks her H might be cheating she will look for clues. Otherwise, she might never know, and this is something we should know.
But since my qualifier caught me snooping he made it impossible.
Anyone can cheat on anyone, we really have no power of it, that is true.
Its a totally obsessed thing that takes over. I find myself going through his phone and then I see something that doesn't even mean anything and I get crazy. I go insane.
That's exactly it, youfoundme. You nailed what it's like for me too. Everything gets weirdly magnified.
For myself, I never ever snooped... not me, I was above all of that....
Ouch!!!!! I had no idea my nose would grow that quickly when I lied - it hit my computer screen!! :)
Alas, yes, I was guilty of snooping on a few occasions, and for me, it WAS about control, and an absolute denial (at the time) of anything and everything to do with Step 1 - I honestly thought that if I snooped, I could "fix" her, her alcoholism, and pretty much every thing else wrong in the world....
I humbly accept that I was wrong on all accounts...
To me, snooping falls into my list of "no-no's", if for no other reason that I think it is imperative that we like and respect ourselves, throughout our growth and recovery.... Even if we can "justify" our snooping, it absolutely keeps us enmeshed in our A's business and recovery, as opposed to the healthier plan of diving into our own...
Just my two cents
Tom
Laughing at the 'nose growing.' Yep, I can relate to that. I'm starting to realize just how literally sick I've been behaving myself.
I did a lot of snooping. I hate it when I feel things are being hidden from me. Now I trust my qualifier even less than before, because of some things I found. I should probably read some of those posts. Can you say which ones you liked best? I don't feel guilty when I am snooping -- if someone is being secretive they deserve it! And if someone does it to me, I think it's kind of flattering that they are so interested in me.
But it does show there is a lack of trust and respect for privacy, I do understand that. Is it common among ACOAs and co-dependants?
Ifa, the post that I liked so much that I've copied it to re-read when I need it is by White Rabbit, where she says:
"Oh, man I TOTALLY understand the physical symptom stuff you describe. I forgot about the shaking hands thing. It's actually pretty scary if you think about it, that just a behavior that we engage in that doesn't even involve chemicals can create such a crazy and uncontrollable physical response.
"And I've found that there's a kind of "craving" behavior there for me, too - like, the more I snoop, the more I want to snoop. If I snoop and don't find anything, I don't feel better. I assume it's because I haven't looked hard enough or in the right places. So instead of letting it go, I find more places to dig and get more and more psycho with each one. If I do find something, I feel even more physically ill and then convince myself that I should've known all along. Either way, whether I find something or don't, snooping makes me want to continue snooping. It's just better that I don't start in the first place."
*****
I swear, she could have been channeling me! I don't know if she's still on this board, but I owe her a large debt of gratitude.
Wow, I didn't realize that there were more members than just me in "S.A." - "Snoopers Anonymous!" I had so many trust issues with my AH that it was almost like a form of emotional self-mutilation when I would read his texts and look at his cell phone call history after he feel asleep/passed out at night. It hurt so much, but I became obsessed with checking up on him- over and over again. And usually it resulted in me feeling worse than I did to start with. I even finally admitted what I had been doing when we started to see a marriage counselor, and my AH didn't even seem hurt or surprised- and that really surprised me! Guess he's so deep into his disease that he doesn't seem to be fazed by this.
Now that we are separated, the relief I feel now that I am in "recovery" and no longer snooping on my AH is amazing. I feel so much better about myself. I used to feel so guilty and ashamed. Now I just keep the focus on getting myself better and putting my trust in my HP. It works when you work it!
I did a lot of snooping. I hate it when I feel things are being hidden from me. Now I trust my qualifier even less than before, because of some things I found. I should probably read some of those posts. Can you say which ones you liked best? I don't feel guilty when I am snooping -- if someone is being secretive they deserve it! And if someone does it to me, I think it's kind of flattering that they are so interested in me.
But it does show there is a lack of trust and respect for privacy, I do understand that. Is it common among ACOAs and co-dependants?
Ifa, the post that I liked so much that I've copied it to re-read when I need it is by White Rabbit, where she says:
"Oh, man I TOTALLY understand the physical symptom stuff you describe. I forgot about the shaking hands thing. It's actually pretty scary if you think about it, that just a behavior that we engage in that doesn't even involve chemicals can create such a crazy and uncontrollable physical response.
"And I've found that there's a kind of "craving" behavior there for me, too - like, the more I snoop, the more I want to snoop. If I snoop and don't find anything, I don't feel better. I assume it's because I haven't looked hard enough or in the right places. So instead of letting it go, I find more places to dig and get more and more psycho with each one. If I do find something, I feel even more physically ill and then convince myself that I should've known all along. Either way, whether I find something or don't, snooping makes me want to continue snooping. It's just better that I don't start in the first place."
*****
I swear, she could have been channeling me! I don't know if she's still on this board, but I owe her a large debt of gratitude.
I can't snoop on my qualifier anymore, he blocked all my snooping holes after I confronted him with something last winter. Now I kinda wish I didn't confront him? But when I did it, I felt sure our relationship would end. I never thought he would have an excuse for being at a partly with someone else. But he did. No, I don't believe the excuse, but then again I am not completely sure.
Trying to detach from him. Wish I could see what he's doing all the time.
If someone I like asks me out I might go. Then my qualifier will probably say I'm a cheater and end our relationship. It's ok for him to go out with others, but I doubt he would tolerate that from me.
Never thought I would be thinking about this stuff at age 59. I met my qualifier when we were 13 and guess what -- he cheated on me then! He has actually been the story of almost my entire life!
Here's my thing, I fully accept responsibility for how I feel when I snoop. If I feel bad that is totally on me and whatever I find out I don't confront him about. It goes in a file that I have created to hand to a lawyer. I know more about what had and hasn't happened with the dui than he will ever know I am aware of. I needed that for my own sanity. there was so much lying going on, I had no resources for information. I have weird personal quirks with things. I put up with a lot of things I have specific deal breakers. A huge one is std, he wants to sleep around then it's no different than drinking he will, it's not as simple as it was 40 years ago where a shot would fix about anything. My kids are young. If I do risky behavior on me, someone else takes thatchoice away from me. I would so be on the news, no way. He is fully aware of how I feel and respects this aspect of our marriage. The last year it was totally tested and there were cracks and I have no doubt he was looking. Ironically him losing his license saved our marriage and kept me out of the news. I did choose to confront him and I'm glad I did. Again I weighed the consequences of my actions and I take personal responsibility for them as well.
Where I draw the line between his business and mine, if out affects my physical well being (I could die) or our kids (mental, physical, emotional ) it becomes my business.
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
