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My AH has been drunk now going on three weeks. I mean falling down, I think he's dead, drunk. I had moved out but it still haunts me. Last week he called begging me to come and fix the tv...I kind of slipped in my recovery and went over...of course it didn't work..it was unplugged. I plugged it in and fled.
The next day I got a call from a workman doing some repairs in the house. He said he thought my AH was dead and then his arms started moving. He and his wife took him to their DR and who gave him a RX for Ambien. when he brought him home....My AH asked him to go get him vodka. What should he do? This guy is only working there. I think I was supposed to put on my Wonder Woman cape and fly over there and rescue them all....Instead I said -Do what you think is best...but if it were me, I would go home and let him lie there.
The next day his sister called and asked if she should fly in...she had spoken to my AH at 2AM and he had sounded so sick she called 9-11. When they got there, he wouldn't let them in.
Here is my question...There are other people involved. Do I step in and help them out?
((((Hugs)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had something to say, but I don't I just wanted to say sorry for what you are going through and stay strong!!
Oh I so know how this feels, we just start the detaching process and others try to hook us back in, I have just had a dose of this with my son, I have tried to define clearly what is acceptable for me and what I will and will not tollerate, even with a husband on board pulling in a different direction but wanting the same outcomes, we are all at different stages with our strengths and hope, I was worried about the conflict the confusion of mixed messages to my son, I knew when I had reached my level of coping, I also know that for this thing to keep working it needs enablers, not enabling is not unloving it's tough love, and I had to learn that, only you will know when you can do that, and with practice you will know. I think you already do!
You do not HAVE to do anything. If you choose to assist, it is your choice. When I went through this with my AH, I left town for a week, let the few people left in our lives know the circumstances of his addiction. I asked them to NOT assist in any way, UNLESS he asked for medical treatment. But, it all comes down to what can YOU take. I had reached MY bottom and had given everything that I had away. I had nothing else to give him, help him, I was empty. I will say an extra prayer for you today... I do know what you going through... I wouldn't wish it on anyone to go through it.
Hit your alanon books, go to a face to face meeting. Take care of you. We really have no control our loved ones addictions. We only have control of how WE react to it.
Dear Alex, I think tommecat hit the nail on the head. I have also found it helpful--when trying to decide to "give" or not--if the decision is "yes", give with absolutely no expectation. Consider it a gift, period! This method saves a lot of ankst.
On another note---Alex, please understand I an not insensitive to how much pain this is causing you. However, your style of writing in describing the situation is like you are writing a black comedy. I confess, I burst out laughing about the unplugged T.V.!
You are holding up well in a very difficult circumstance.
I agree with Tommy as well, you have to do ask those questions and recognize that whatever you choose to do is on you and there can be no expectation.
Work your program, focus on you and do a lot of turning things over to your HP :)
Sending love and support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When my A and I were not together, I left his business to him. I did not advise those around him that were enabling him. I did not speak to them actually. I found that being involved in any way was not healthy for me. I didn't need much help to obsess over him and his situation, and any contact did aid in that obsession.
I changed my house phone number and left my cell the same. In that way I could turn off my cell and still had a phone to use that was not attached to the chaos and drama that the A created, even while in another home.
First I would say there are always other people involved... some will enable, some will join in with the A and some will detach with love. As far as the handyman the first thing that popped in my head was if he thought your husband was dead why wasn't he calling 911 why is he calling someone else to see what to do. That doesn't seem logical to me. Then a Dr ordering Ambien to a drunk brought into ER? Wow How does a doctor trust an alcholic who just almost drank himself to death prescribe a medication thats not only addictive but trust that the alcholic would take the meds properly, like not drinking when taking the medication as that is a deadly combination. It's almost a comedy of errors all around and I totally get where you would get confused on what your role may be.If you are working the program and it sounds like you are then you know you have choices. And you don't have to make immediate decisions or choices. You can take a step back and think it through. Asking "What is best for my recovery?", "How important is it?" "Is it any of my business?". And doing nothing is also a choice. My son is my A and I have to often ask myself these questions. I can't control his actions, I can't fix him as much as every ounce in my body and mind wants to keep trying, I have to let him go and stop cushioning his bottom. This means I do a lot of praying. Because I just don't know what his bottom is and fear his bottom may be death. But if I never let him hit his bottom why would he ever seek out his own recovery. So the best I can do is work my own program and keep myself on track. Ultimatly only you know what your limits or boundaries are, and only you can make the decision of when enough is enough. Just a quick comment on the TV... is does sound funny, like something silly only an A would do, but I had a friend who started his own computer business. Going into peoples homes to do computer repair or set up etc. His fee just to make a house call was like 60 bucks then depending on the problem he charged from there. But my point of this little story is he got called out at least 5 times a week to a home where the problem was simply the computer wasn't plugged in. A high price for the lesson those computer owners had to learn. So that kinda stuff could happen to anyone.
I liked your title for your post and my answer is only if you want to be. It is so hard I know to stay dettached. Work your program and the answers will come. Sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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