The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my pre programme twin turns up I want to be both, and I want it NOW!
I want the people I love to just get it, I just get used to one situation and it changes, I am not always ready and prepared for those changes, they don't take place in my time scale and I get frustrated and panick and become fearful, I get anxious and I lash out with my tongue, in the space of five days, I have experienced tons of emotions, from real happiness to complete abandonment and bewilderment and more.
On Thursday I spent a very happy day with my husband at the seaside, we ate fish and chips, we had a coffee in a seaside cafe,, we sat watching the boats in the harbour, for that day our worries were a world away, and it was lovely to know we could be happy together.
I really thought I had acceptance down to a T, then on Friday morning my husband was distant and a stranger again, it made me question the day before and then our son phoned me and asked if he could come home and take a bath and change into clean clothes, and could we have a talk, WOW, of course I said for sure, so he came home, he was respectful, and I tried so hard to just listen, he said he wanted to come home, I said but what about your drinking and staying out late, he said I will try to be a good lad, I am twenty now can I stay out until 11 on week night, I said we can negotiate these times, they are not set in stone, you just have to try and do what you promise to do, and not let people down and yourself, I said I just don't know what to do with you though, if it all goes back to how it was, the turmoil is terrible, and we left it at that.
He promised to text me Saturday night to say wether he was staying out or not he didn't, I was prepared for that, so I went to bed not knowing where he was and how I was going to deal with this the next day, in the early hours I heard him come in, I was surprised how he got in, un beknown to me hubby had left him a key, son appolagised and no more was said, hubby has been so emotionally unavailable again, when he gets like this he even looks different, I lost it then yesterday I became my evil twin, I said I am doing everything I can to change to make life better for all of us, I can't do this on my own, I think I just want to be on my own, hubby said yes lets get divorced, I said can't we just separate for now, he siad no, anyways we had the character assination arguement, and then from nought to zero, the angst started to lift, today is a good day again, I do love my lads, but sometimes I do wonder if I can cope with all that life throws, I think that I learnt I might come as a package with my evil twin, if they can accept me, I must surely try to accept them too warts and all, if I can't or they can't we are all free to leave.
I see me in your post and understand the 'evil twin' thing..... I had to laugh.
I've been slipping quite badly the last couple of weeks but things have been brought into my life recently, which have shown me that the programme works.....if I let it, and your post this morning is one of these things.
I need to keep my awareness, let go and trust that I'm right where I'm meant to be....doing the best I can.
When I am in my sickness, my answer to your question is both as I want to be right AND happy. But then I can't be in self will and God's will simultaneously. There just isn't enough room for my ego in step 3.
So the answer for me is found when I back up in the steps a bit, in steps 1 & 2. My higher power can only work with me and teach me in my powerlessness. When I surrender, drop the flag, and lay down the sword, I can restart my relationship with my higher power. Then and only then can I experience step 2, Came to believe a power greater than ourselves c o u l d restore us to sanity.
Dear katy, I think your anger is a perfectly natural response to the situation you face.
Next step---how to manage the anger and other feelings of frustration, fear, etc......
I say, just stay the course you are on. Read CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE, if you haven't, already.
Above all, STOP beating up on your self---you don't have an evil twin---you get angry when others stomp on your boundries.
Katy, it is so hard in the beginning of change. But, as your self awareness and self-esteem grows, all of the challenges of your life will be easier to navigate.
What Otie said, .. there are so many buried emotions we carry around and they are going to come up and need to leap out. We feel feelings they do not have to control us though. I have been really really really trying to remember, How Important Is It, when I feel that evil twin start to rear her ugly head. Some days are easier said than done and I am right there with you thank you very much for your share.
I spent a weekend with my husband after the DUI information, and there was another situation that actually didn't involve family ... lol. I could have made the weekend about how wrong my husband was and how right I was and then all about this other situation. I stopped myself thought of my husband, my kids and realized it's all out of my hands at this point and it's all on my HP. Let Him carry the stuff I can't hold on to nor do I want to.
Absolutely Co Dependent No More .. lol .. personally, I can't tout that book enough. It has placed me in the present moment with the presence of mind to fully get what I can and can't control.
Sending love and support your way, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
First, I think everyone has said such helpful things. Otie, I agree with you - she has every right to feel what she is feeling. It's the "how" to deal with those feelings, for your own sake, that becomes most important. No matter what happens, you will have to be with yourself, so make sure you can be your own friend.
I have the same challenge with my husband at times. Even now that I know he is going to be present and then withdraw without warning sometimes, it is still difficult. KNOWING you can be content, even happy, and have this together, can feel torturous during the difficult times. For me, using that knowledge as a guide, and hope, during the difficult times, keeps my ship on course. Feeling abandoned is something I know all too well, but the worst is when I feel I have abandoned myself. Challenging and sometimes horrific things have happened to us - and sometimes they are unforgiveable. But they do not define our worth (even when we feel worthless as a result). You are inherently worthy of a healthy life and marriage. I have to remind myself that God will never abandon me, and I can either choose to remain present to myself or to beat myself up all over again (trust me, a daily struggle).
I think life is confusing enough, and then you throw in addiction and recovery in AA or Al-Anon programs. We are encouraged to set boundaries, speak up, be honest, and know that we are deserving of love. We are told that we, as codependents, are sick too. We have been treated badly, treated ourselves and others badly as a result, learn a better way, practice our skills, and then treated badly over and over again still... In the Big Book of AA, in the chapter "To the Wives" we are told exactly how we should NOT get upset or respond to our AH in a certain way, as it will be bad for him. This can feel like mixed messages and few choices. It's confusing. But, really, what will make the difference between a life of hell or health? How we treat ourselves, what we believe about ourselves.
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for letting me share.
KLotus
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Wow so relate on the mom level. My relationship with my husband is good although we went thru some very tough times trying to get on the same page as how to handle our son who is our A. So many times we have told him he can't live here anymore, as my husband and I are both disabled and living with our son's addiction 24/7 puts us in such a stressful place we get sicker. But aside from his addiction, he is such a wonderful young man that we just simply adore. He also knows just what to say to get us to open up that door for him to get back in again, with all the promises in the world. And it always starts out so well but he's an A it can never stay well. I want to be right and happy and I want it now to ! Clearly if our son just did things my way we would all be happy. But I had to let go of that. Learn how to pick my battles and learn how to keep our boundaries in place. Keep workin your program Blessings
