The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a wonderful weekend. I am struggling a lot of the time and am only ~6 weeks out of a very serious 3 yr relationship with ABF. Weekends are always the worst because we had great weekends together so much of the time, him and me and his two kids. But, I feel absolutely certain I did my best and then made the right decision to leave. I struggle and grieve, but I can tell I am gradually feeling better and better. I can tell I'm starting to feel more like myself and more friendly, more confident. I feel like I'm more recharged and have more to give now that I'm out of the tug and disappointment of that relationship. I'm getting more energy, getting out of the house, and this weekend was great. Though I was tempted otherwise, I had great self-care and I thank myself.
Questions - Do any of you have any specific books or readings that you recommend related to boundaries? I have realized in the last year, that boundaries are clearly something I need to work on and as I maintain them, I feel more and more free and confident. For those of you learning about boundaries, what were the early stages like? I feel pretty clumsy about it and I keep second-guessing myself!
Also, as you began this process with Alanon, and the blinders came off your eyes and you broke through your own denial, how did this change your other relationships besides the craziest one(s) that drove you to the meetings? Did you find yourself looking at your friendships differently and maybe re-evaluating who's in your life, why, and if they're good for you? I am, and I'm having a rough time! Again, I keep second-guessing myself. There are a couple people close to me that I think I need to separate myself from... but I don't know if I'm being motivated by something good for me and my growth.
If I didn't grow up with good examples of boundaries and good examples of chosing healthy people, it's so hard for me to navigate healthy boundaries and healthy relationships. I feel so confused right now it's like I hardly know what it's supposed to be like! It's so hard for me to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing and then it's almost paralyzing because mistakes weren't really allowed in my family. It's terrible, it's like I think I can do this WRONG somehow! I have to keep reminding myself I CANNOT DO THIS WRONG! I think the best thing is probably to slow down and take it all to my higher power, but it feels overwhelming. And it's tough when I feel like I need to pray all day long! Books, ideas, ESH would all be helpful. Sure appreciate you all and any thoughts you might share from your journey.
Hugs D :), All of my relationships have been changed because of alanon. I think it's my perception as well. I know there are things I just choose to handle differently than I would have in the past with specific people. It's helped my relationship with my mom, kids, friends, husband and so on. When our behavior changes it automatically shifts relationships around us. I posted recently, one of my oldest friends has not been happy about my changes. It did make me wonder if maybe our friendship had run it's course because it no longer fit a defunct mold for me. That's ok, and I can be at peace knowing I'm not making harmful changes they are for my greater good.
when we start using new tools it's uncomfortable it's like putting on a new pair of shoes that don't fit. We find out that maybe our old shoes are so badly damaged that's why the new shoes feel funny. They will get broken in and become our favorites.
I'm still struggling with boundaries. I love the analogies they are promises we make to ourselves. Not to control others, to navigate our own behavior. Right now I have many different ones. As I become more confident in my own choices I won't need to remind myself all the time that I deserve mutual respect. I can treat others as I deserve to be treated. I can do so with kindness and courtesy.
I can relate to your post so well lol no boundaries and no filter at my house growing up. It makes things challenging to say the least. Always a good topic thanks for the share. It does get better. You are so worth it!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is a great post Doozy, and I too am questioning my friendship and relationships with people, for quite along time I had no idea I was causing alot of my own problems by having no clue how to do things differently, the way it worked for me was, when I was absolutely in a right knot with life it struck me there might just be another way to go about things, that I hadn't ever tried before, the people that could teach me that were in alanon and aa, I have tons of experience doing it my own way which was hopeless, and I everything to gain by trying it new ways and having hope.
It's ever so exciting though because when I relaised I always know the outcome of my own attempts, to try it a tad different and something much better happens, it wows me.
Life is ever changing thats what fools me, you gotta go with the flow, I think you are doing marvallouse.
Wow Doozy, your post gave me so much to think about. What you wonder about are the same things I wondered about for so long. For me, though, everything just sort of clicked one day. I don't know why...but I do know I'm still a work in progress. I regress and then I start again. After a while the boundaries seemed normal. Last week I lit a candle in church. Every week I would light it asking for sobriety for my AH. This week i asked for strength and resolve in my recovery. I didn't realize I had focused on myself instead of him until I sat down. What a wonderful feeling....Good luck and hugs to you.
Yes for me the first year in the program I had two of my closest friendships fall apart. It was difficult but I plunged head first into Alanon, going to five meetings per week. When I was around healthier people in the program I began to learn what healthy friendship and relationships were. As I began to get a better understanding what a healthy relationship was, more and more I felt uncomfortable around certain people. First, I thought maybe my friends were having bad days. Little by little I became aware that I needed to set boundaries.
Learning to set boundaries that were in my best interest was a byproduct of attending meetings and working with my sponsor. I began setting them with my friends and I think that was the beginning of the end. Reading all the readings in the daily readers helped me in that I could relate to them but I could not put them into practice without the strong guidance and support of my sponsor. She helped direct me with the words and sometimes actions I needed to take to keep my side of the street clean while I was setting the boundary. By doing so, I was practicing self care.
Boundaries can be reevaluated. They don't have to be fixed or rigid or last a lifetime. That is why for me I think the most useful tool to help me understand the concept of boundaries can best be demonstrated through my sponsor as she shares her experience to guide me through setting a boundary with love.
Best,
Tommye
-- Edited by tommyecat on Monday 18th of July 2011 07:27:19 AM
Hi there, My top 5 books are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, daily reader's "Courage to Change and "Hope for Today" and "The 12 Steps for Adult Children. That has been my biggest help along with my Al-anon meetings, my sponsor and MIP. I wish you well on your journey and hope these help you as much as they helped me.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
