The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
Hello all: I have been married for 11 years and have been with my wife since we were seniors in high school. For the past five years she has been drinking and it has gotten progressively worse. She has been to rehab 4 times( both inpatient and out patient) and is now in an outpatient program. So much has been going on with her from calling the police on me for no reason, the constant lies, hiding alcohol in water bottles, going to our children's school functions drunk it is just crazy. A few weeks ago she picked up our children from camp drunk and crashed into a traffic sign & curb, left the scene of the accident drove to her parents house and passed out. When she got up she left her parents and did not come home for 2 days. Child services was notified of what happened thru my childrens therapist, so they came by to visit and it was not a nice visit. Basically, they said that my my wife cannot be around our children and if she is caught with them that Child services would take them away from me. My wife has since left the house and I have retained an attorney to have temporary custody of my children until my wife gets her act together. I'm at the point where If she does not get it right I have to look out for my children and myself. I have been to an Al-anon meeting and hated it. It was me and 9 women and all they did was bash their significant others. I am just so confused and angry by her actions. Any suggestions?
You have a LOT going on right now, hugs. Welcome to the boards and I hope you will find what you are looking for here. There are meetings on the boards 2x a day, I don't know the details exactly.
The meetings are suppose to be a place to give outlet to what you are feeling and it's suppose to be about ourselves. The first time I went to a meeting I was not happy because they did not tell me what I wanted to hear. They did not tell me how to fix my situation. The second I was put off again. The third I went to prove the counselor wrong, because after all alanon was not for me. For whatever reason the third time stuck, I don't know why it all clicked it just did. I would encourage you to try another meeting. Sometimes we just aren't ready for what is being said OR maybe it is not a good meeting that does happen. I know I had to be ready for what I was hearing.
There are some really great books out there, I keep putting this title out there and I haven't read it, I so plan to, Getting them Sober, (T. Rice? someone please fill in the author!!), and I'm almost to the end of CoDependent No More, M. Beattie.
Hugs and keep coming back, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome to the board. You will most likely find a lot of comfort and info as you read posts and receive replies. There are a lot of wise people here with a lot of years of experience!
I'm sorry to read about your wife. I understand your confusion and anger. We all do here at MIP.
I'm also sorry that your first meeting didn't go as you had hoped. I was quite reluctant to attend Al-Anon meetings because I thought they were for women who had time to bash their husbands. But I found quite the opposite at the 5 different meeting places I tried within the last 5 months in my immediate area. For the most part, members at the two meetings I go to share their experiences (challenges/problems) and share how they are overcoming them through using tools of the program. Sometimes, someone shares their troubles but have no solutions yet. I've found only 1 person in 5 months bash their qualifier (person that led them to Al-Anon due to his/her addiction).
Are there other meeting places in your area that you can try? Would you be willing to try the same group again? Perhaps there are more members that usually attend but weren't there that night.
I found two of Al-anon books quite helpful and inexpensive, especially if you order used at Amazon.com. You might be able to purchase them new at meeting places.
Here are the two books:
One Day at a Time
Courage to Change
Pushka mentioned "Getting Them Sober" volume I by author Toby Drew Rice. That book can be found used at amazon.com as well. This book helped me quite a bit in the beginning.
Check back because others with much more recovery will respond. I think a member (RCL or canadianguy) thought meetings were about a bunch of women bashing husbands too, but discovered how wise they were.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Aloha Pauly and welcome to the board...You have just done my early story. I am also male who has not one but two addictive wives. Damned I tried my best and none of them got clean and sober for me...go figure.
What you're dealing with is a disease of addiction to a mind and mood altering chemical. Your wife is compulsively addicted to alcohol...she isn't bad; she's very very sick. Thank God (always) that your kids are okay after the accident. Let's work on you now after the accident and all the time you have spent with your alcoholic (different than your wife) without treatment.
Like me you hated your first Al-Anon meeting....so did I....because I wasn't ready to give up control yet and to learn. I left and then I got crazier and my HP (God as I understand God) brought me back to Al-Anon and I was more ready to just sit, listen, learn and practice what the others (mostly ladies) in the rooms knew that I didn't. Yeah there are bitching sessions and not always and yeah they are female and I am male and what the hell should they know and let me tell you that those crazy ladies and many of the one's here at MIP save my butt constantly.
I'm here to tell you that when I got into the program I didn't know anything and on top of that I didn't know that I didn't know so I had nothing to squeak about or talk about and no advice or suggestions other than the stuff I tried that didn't work.
Since coming into the program and staying (2/8/79) and listening, taking suggestions and following thru to the best of my ability I've got a life today beyond anything I could have imagined back then and the alcoholic/addict got clean and sober herself when she was ready to and really wanted it. The horrors are in the past and the horrors were real. If the disease isn't treated...it will and does get worse.
Get to your next meeting and then the next...What worked for me was doing 102 meetings in 90 days myself (suggestion was 90 X 90) and then there were over 439 recovery meetings a month in our area in Central Valley CA.
So stay confused and angry as you wish or choose to find serenity and peace otherwise. You're not alone in this and there are other guys here that may want to step out for you too. Come on guys...share your ESH. (((((HUGS)))))
ps...Let me also add the publication "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism" very informative.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 16th of July 2011 04:00:34 PM
Glad you are here, I only hope you find another meeting and try it. This board is great, but the face to face meetings are the best because you will find people to call and talk to. Try more than one. I hated them the first 5-6 times, didn't go back for months, read the literature and realized I needed to find a sponsor and get better myself. I can't fix my sick mind with my sick mind... Take care of you and the kids. Alanon will help YOU get better.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
