When it comes to teens I don't think any parent can take what they say personally. She is hurt and she is grieving and that IS normal. Parenting did not come with a manual and I don't care how many books are out there it's not a one solution or kid issue fits all. They are all like finger prints/snowflakes each one of us is unique and different. We do the best we can as parents based upon the tools we have at the time. Playing the victim of accepting the blame in her life is not going to workout well for you. My mom still plays that card and as an adult/child it gets so old listening to it over and over.

I've told my eldest who is 12, if she doesn't understand something or has questions and maybe she really doesn't want to talk to me or her dad about them we will find someone she can talk to. Of course I would rather she speak with us, the reality is maybe there is a reason she doesn't feel she can. It's more important to me that she has an outlet to deal with her feelings than anything else. I know there are things I choose not to discuss with either parent and never will, it's just our dynamic.

You do not have to rationalize why you decided to separate. That's the biggest thing that sucks about being a kid is as children we are at the whim of our parents decisions. At the same time, she still has every reason to feel angry, sad, mad, confused blah blah blah. She needs help to transition through each of the stages of grief. If it's confusing for the adult in the situation believe me it's 10x harder on the kid.

I guess I'm struck by the issue of you stating you don't want her to be your confidant at the same time you want her to ask why you are getting a divorce. Chances are if she's a teen, she's seen what has gone on and it's easier to be mad at you than her dad. I know when my parents separated and eventually divorced it was much easier to be mad at my mom because my dad was just gone.

Hugs and welcome, it does get easier it takes time. It's more important in my mind to allow her an outlet of communication and if needed joint counseling. She has a lot going on inside of her with choices she has had no say in.

I'm sure others will have some great ESH to add :)

C Frog

You pose some very difficult questions as you are in a very difficult situation
Teens at best tend to be a bit angry as they try to assert thier independence but also looking for guidance.
I don't know why she hasn't asked you the reason for the separation and is getting answers from dad. She may not have asked him either, he may just be venting his side to her.
I don't know why you would apologize to her for your parenting skills or style. Unless you have intentionaly hurt her which I doubt you have done the best you could for her and tried to raise her correctly. We get no instruction book on how to parent we just do the best we can with the tools you have. So maybe your tools like mine ( as I grew up with addiction) weren't ideal but you are working on changing that now. Working on being a healthier person.
I would try to engage her in a conversation about the situation without placing blame on anyone.
Make sure she knows it had nothing to do with your or your husbands love for her of course. That dad has a problem that you can't live with anymore and you are working on getting yourself healthy. That you are always open to discussing her feelings without interrupting, just listen. Ask if she would be interested in alateen where she can interact with kids her own age, experiencing the same thing.
I have found the child often sides with the parent they see as the underdog such as her dad. Let her know its ok that she loves her dad.
Not sure if i made any sense at all here, but she is likely taking her anger out on you because she feels you can handle it. She doesn't see you as the underdog. Allow her, her feelings as long as she isn't disrespectful.
I really wish you the best on this situation
Blessings