The material presented
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Hello all, I just found out my mom is drinking/taking pills again after 15 years sober. I am utterly destroyed by this. I was 17 when she quit- I thought we were long past this. We are here visiting from Denmark (my husband is Danish) and in the last several days I just knew something was the matter, but I hoped it was just a few too many of the anti-anxiety meds her psychiatrist gave her (foolishly, in my opinion).
We had an intervention after the principle of her school called (she's a teacher) saying she'd noticed she was acting weird (basically that she was totally out of it). She will be attending an outpatient program starting tomorrow.
I don't know how to mend my relationship with her. I don't know how to move forward from here, or even if I can. The worst part is, she actually babysat my 2 year old daughter on several occasions before we found out what was going on.
The 3 C's apply, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you absolutely cannot cure it. This has nothing to do with you and I don't know that as an addict and family it's ever actually done. RLC posted a deal about how addiction is always lurking. It's like saying just because you've been married for 25 years you are never going to get divorced. The important thing is how are you going to choose to deal with the issue. It is painful and it honestly has nothing to do with you personally.
Please keep coming back, I would encourage you to attend a f2f alanon meeting if it's possible. I'm glad to hear that she's going to attend an outpatient program. Something my A's addiction counselor said to us was we know he's going to slip it becomes the issue of giving him the tools to get back up on the proverbial wagon sooner than later.
Take care of you and just know you are not alone :) Hugs again :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's okay to love an addict or alcoholic...they are not bad people they're sick people cause this is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. I also encourage you to do what I did...run to the Al-Anon Family Groups to sit and listen and learn. One of the things you will learn is that you are not alone in this...its a world wide disease. She is not using and or drinking at you...she is doing that because she cannot not do it. This really is a matter of a disease. Al-Anon is in 131 countries around this planet. Check with Al-Anon internations to see if there are groups near where you live. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
Your Mother is not drinking because of you are me....she is drinking because she has a disease. No one would after 15 years of soberity risk their job, their future, and possibly their life if they were in control of their mind, body, and spirit. They are not, the disease is.
A friend of mine who is a member of AA told me today that alcoholism can be compared to a gorilla that builts up his strength doing push-ups laying in wait for the right opportunity. In your Mothers case the gorilla waited 15 years. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Dormant but never dead.
My wife is an active alcoholic. She has the same disease your Mother has. Neither of them want to be an alcoholic. You and I can't relate or understand, we can only have compassion. It was very hard for me to separate the person from the disease. I asked myself many times why would she want to do this to herself. Why would your Mother want to do the same? The only answer I could come up with was she didn't....but the disease is selfish, all consuming, and controlling.
Your Mother is seeking recovery and I hope and pray for her seccess. We also need recovery from the effects the disease has had on us. We are effected without realizing it. We do and say things no sane person would ever say or do. As it states in the opening of Al-Anon meetings....Without help it is to much for most of us.
My suggestion to you is to make the choice I made when my life had become unmanagable. I found the rooms of Al-Anon where other members understood me as perhaps no one else could. They freely gave back to me what the program had given them.....their experience, strenght, and hope.....what had worked for them. My life got better. The same can happen for you. You deserve it.....and you don't have to be alone in the disease anymore.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 15th of July 2011 12:24:56 AM
Alanon is the suggestion I have. It is every where. You can go to face to face meetings and get the support you need. The literature that is offered is so very helpful. The book One Day at a Time in Alanon has helped me tremendously. Take care of you, go to meetings for you :) While she is in rehab, that is the best time for you to start. LISTEN while you are there. It works when we work it... Welcome here! Keep coming!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I can relate to you. I have been where you are right now. My husband was sober for 10 years and one day, out of the blues, he relapsed. It had my head spinning. I've made Alanon my lifestyle and program of choice because it is the recovery that works for me. This disease has a mind of its own. Stay strong. Sending you hugs.
