The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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First off, thank you VERY much Al Anon and folks for existing, the Alanon literature has been very helpful and I have cruised various forums for info, ideas, etc...I appreciate the anonymous help!! It is so needed. Excuse the long story, but for those who can read the whole thing, it'll give a clear picture:
My recovering boyfriend and I met 1.5 yrs ago and magically clicked. We're both middle aged and I never though such a thing could happen, neither did he. Falling in love was delightful. Part of the reason we clicked was we have both had hard times, and recovered from them - or so I thought! I'm not an addict but spent 8 yrs slogging through some trauma and am now financially stable and so grateful to not be my bad space anymore, it was a lot of work. For this reason, cue too much empathy here;
My boyfriend is 6 plus years sober and worked a model program. I'm not worried about him DRINKING anymore. However, when we met he was undergoing difficult financial times - debt, etc..as well as upheaval from financial and emotional requests from an ex. He is self employed and must work many hours to stay afloat. I understand the situation, the need to work those hours, and the need to not spend so much time together. It's a tough economy.
In a few months my boyfriend started suffering from depression. He also has adhd. The past year has been a whirl of prescription drugs and moodiness. I CHOSE to try to help smooth my boyfriend's path by footing the house bills and groceries, in exchange my boyfriend has been a tremendous help by doing repairs and housework. The financial imbalance is not a problem it's the other...
My boyfriend started isolating and not going to meetings. For the record I encourage him to go whenever he wants. I also hear him complain all the time about all sorts of things and he has no idea he does that - never mind me ignoring and not indulging in complaint-fests. He has been working 75-80 hours a week to try to float his business, which comes out to 80 cents an hour. His pattern was, he would get so behind in work from being depressed, stuff would pile up, he'd put it off, then go in and pull several all nighters, etc...not good. I have been the sympathetic ear. But our relationship is suffering as we do NOTHING together. I suggested and wrote down that we spend 1 wkday night and one weekend day together, and gave a deadline for this. All very loving etc...
By this time I was getting emotionally fried. I took him to a counselor but it backfired - he thought we were going to talk about how I could help more with his depression. The deadline passed and he told me I was impatient. He said, " I'm almost over the hump now, but if you quit I'll go over the cliff. " He left for work and came back at 5 in the morning. I found s*** in the bed from him eating too much sucralose . He'd had an accident and left it there.
After 1.5 yrs of depression, isolation, moodiness, complaining, and yes, a lot of love, at that point I snapped, packed up, left a note, and stayed away for 3 days. I emailed and called his best friend to check up on him. I texted my boyfriend, saying that leaving poop in the bed is totally unnacceptable. The text got screwed up and he only got, " not acceptable. " For 2 days I could hardly eat or get out of bed - not being a victim here, but that is the stress level I allowed myself to get to.
I came home and my boyfriend said he was very angry and yelled at me for over an hour. I curled up in a ball and started howling and he kept yelling. Apparrantly he had done all this work on the house and felt that I did not appreciate it. He said that I ruined a good thing and scarred our relationship. He sees no wrong in not going to program, not sleeping right, and I guess pooping in the bed is okay too. Work is his fallback excuse and his solution, he thinks.
Of course everyone must pay off debts and work, but in my boyfriend's case I can see how it is eating him and everything around us alive. He is not doing basic care for himself and that is destroying us. The blame falls on my shoulders. He asked me to come to work with him and was angry when I said "No." Footing the home bills and my own life is enough! And I do not want to enable a bad business and/or bad work habits.
My boyfriend works very hard and is a good guy, but he can only see his own probolems. No room for anything else. He has turned mono focused and mean. I apologized for bolting without being clearer about my departure, and then when I asked him to not yell anymore, he said, " Don't turn this around the other way! "He thinks everyone is against him. This is a very stressful, heartbreaking situation. My questions:
a) Should I lay low and hope that things simmer down? It is possible for me to leave the house for days at a time - which would be good for me, though inconvenient. However, leaving the house this time had such a horrible aftershock. I was considering telling him to focus ONLY on himself and work [ which he's done anyway, but officially giving him a free ride ] and then wait a month and see if anything changes. If not, then....
b) Should I kick him out, and if so, how?! I should note that I own the house, but also, he has nowhere else to go. Moving AGAIN [ he's moved 3 times in 1 yr ] really COULD send him over the edge, mentally and financially. I shouldn't be treated like this, at the same time, I certainly do not want to pull the rug out from under him. I'm not a monster. It's also dreadful, as we've combined stuff as well as plans for the future. If I kicked him out, we will both be devastated, and he will blame me...it will be a lot of drama. At the same time, leaving poo in the bed and then yelling at your sig other for an hour is totally not acceptable, and he can't see that. If it comes down to this, how can I do it with the minimum of drama and pain?
I would welcome any suggestions for this sad situation. I just want to do the right thing.
I don't have much to offer outside of you have to take the focus off him and put it back on you. His sobriety is his responsibility. He is either going to choose to drink or not. He has the tools and knows what he needs to do to remain sober. You are what you need to be concerned with, because it will become all about him and it kind of sounds like that's what is going on. You have no power over if he drinks or not, if you don't kick him out he may or may not drink, either way you don't control if he chooses to drink. Addiction is not something that can be bargained around, if he does this then you will reward him by that, that's just not how it works.
I hope you will consider going to a f2f meeting because it will do you a world of good to know you are not alone.
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find some face-to-face meetings too. It takes a good deal of time and support to learn how to deal with things when we're determined to make our lives better.
What I've observed is that the first six months of a relationship are the honeymoon period, the second six months are the reality-beginning-to-set-in period, and the following year is the period in which we learn whether our partners (and we ourselves) have what it takes to negotiate conflict and go the distance with the other person. Sometimes the other person just doesn't have the skills (and won't or can't work on the skills); sometimes our coping styles are just a bad match. That point where it starts to be clear that the relationship doesn't have a good method for resolving conflict is stressful. My response was always to try to cope for both sides. I'd try my best to be healthy; then I'd try to get him to be healthy (which was even harder than trying to make myself). He would resist all my attempts to control him into "healthy behavior," and my attempts would get so strident that I'd sink into unhealthy behavior bigtime. A mess.
You are still learning about each other, and these things you are learning about him may not be very promising. The thing I had to learn most of all was not to panic when it started to be clear that my partner wasn't who I hoped he was, in terms of skills, motivation, and emotional health.
At that point I needed to turn the spotlight on myself and work extra hard on my own life and emotional health. It sounds as though even though your boyfriend is sober, he hasn't gone all the way to making a good recovery. So all the more reason you need to take care of yourself. What exactly that looks like is hard for anyone but you to decide. I hope you can get to meetings, start learning about recovery, get a sponsor, and start the steps. Hugs.
Thank you already for some quick replies. I love the observations. I just received a message from him saying ' Let's not quarrel ' [ He's the one that yelled at me! ] and he 'forgives me'. Ugh. He heard nothing I tried to say.
I'll take your advice and look forward to anything more. We shall see about the future. Best of luck, everyone
You just pretty much described the insanity of this disease. I think most of us have gone through most of the things you are experiencing in one way or another. We don't give adivce only our own experiences and what worked for us. But I would beg you to find alanon meetings in your area and start attending, get a sponsor and work the program. It is suggested you work the program for 6 months or more before making any life changing moves. After the 6 months you will be more educated, hopefully working on yourself and able to make informed decisions about your life. Get your bf out from under the microscope and get the focus on you. He is gonna do what he's gonna do. You can't help him in his recovery or his depression or add. These are things he needs to acknowldge and work on, on his own. If he makes a mess it is his job to make it right, you will learn about boudaries and other tools that will help you cope. Keep us updated on you Blessings
I'm sorry for what you're going through and it's wonderful you're reaching out. I have found the face to face meetings to be extremely helpful and I also have several books that have been real eye-openers for me, really helping me to figure out how I want to handle myself and my relationships. I see many similarities here with my situation and ABF - he was very self-focused, often played the victim, very focused on work. His stress about work was usually his explanation for everything, and I think it helped him maintain his denial about a problem with addiction. It was very difficult, but I found that Alanon meetings, books and counseling for ME have been so helpful and I'm starting to feel so much better now.
Another thing you might consider is that depression itself can be a very serious disease. Like addiction, depression has a physical and emotional side and depression can color your entire life, changing how you experience everything and how you interact with other people. It's not just something a person can magically get over, and often requires some real treatment. Depression runs in my family and from what I've learned and experienced, your BF may need better treatment. Along with all the many treatment options for addiction, there are many effective treatments to ease depression and recover a happy and healthy life. It sounds like he may already be trying medication. It often takes people several different doctor visits before they get the right medication and sometimes this is a horrible time, but eventually a person can usually find something that helps. Still, this too is something your BF will have to do for himself. In my experience, the three Cs work for depression in people you love too. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and you can't cure it but you can be there with love if you start with love for yourself.
Here is what was suggested to me by those that came before me...go to face to face meetings, LISTEN, share and be honest, look for a sponsor, get a sponsor, work the steps...I am in the middle of the LISTEN and share part, I am looking for a sponsor... The other thing that has helped was the suggestion to read the ALanon literature. The book One Day at a Time in Alanon has been my guiding light recently. We cannot ever make someone else change. Not at all. Not ever. When we begin to focus on ourselves and stop the blame game, stop playing games, things start to go a lot better. I live with an active alcoholic. I am learning through this program and gaining spirituality, and I can actually have moments of not trying to control him. I had a little trip up just the other day, but I fixed it because I could see it for what it was. It sounds to me like you are focused so much on him that you need to stop staring at what he is doing and start looking at what you are going to do for you.
The other books that are recommended by me are Getting Them Sober (So good) and Courage to Change. Going to meetings is the only way I began to see that there was another way to live. I set boundaries for me now. A boundary is not "If you do this, I will leave". A boundary is: If you drink, I am going in the other room and getting busy with something. If you act a certain way I am going to go for a walk/do gardening etc. Its to protect you from the disease of A-ism. You don't have to go to every arguement you are invited to....you can leave the room. Inaction is an action too.
When my A got pee on the floor near the toilet from being so drunk the night before, I left it there and the next morning when he was sober, I told him I expected it to be cleaned up when I got home, I said what I meant, meant what I said and I didn't say it mean. He cleaned it. We learn here that we cannot take care of them, that they have got to clean up after themselves. Another time while drunk and in a black out, my A took the neighbor's tool box. I was astounded! I went to a meeting. They suggested I do nothing that night and talk to him in the morning when he was sober, and tell him he needed to go put the tools back. It worked. Your bf is an adult. He needs to tend to his own stuff, and clean up after himself. If something like that happens again, you can leave it there, sleep else where and tell him he needs to clean up something in the other room. Leave at that. Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. It is unacceptable, yes, but we as alanon/codependent people do not have to have an attitude about it. We can live free of that anger ... take care of you! Keep coming! Get to meetings :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
My problem is kind of similar, in a way. My qualifier is not an addict, but he does get very depressed. He has a lot of problems, mostly serious health problems. I think he loves me but sometimes his misery makes him mean. He can be very rejecting, sarcastic and critical. I have been keeping a distance because every time we talk on the phone or see each other I'm afraid he will reject me (for the hundredth time). I feel terrible when he rejects me, even though it is only his miserable depressed angry self that does it. His adorable loving self probably doesn't even remember. Yes, it's almost like a case of multiple personality.
One of my defects is caring too much what people think about me, so when he's mean and rejecting I feel worthless and abandoned. It is not any fun to feel that way. So I hope I can work on that defect and focus more on my own life and my contact with HP.
Any time my qualifier is mean and rejecting, I always think it must be at least partly my fault. If only I could be nicer, if only I didn't get angry. He always blames me for every problem we have, and I always believe him. I never reject him no matter what. I guess because we aren't married (his decision) so I am not subjected to it all the time.
Anyway, I think I know some of what you are experiencing with an angry depressed qualifier. Yours has some good reasons for being miserable, and so does mine. But we cannot fix their lives. We can be tolerant and forgiving of their lousy attitude, but we also have to detach so they don't drag us into their misery.
Brief update: he has 'forgiven me ' for leaving when he s*** the bed. I told him I would remove the scar of him yelling at me if he removed the scar of me leaving, I apologized again for leaving, and to please not yell at me again. " Don't turn this around!" He said.
Time will tell in this case, the path is open for my sig. other to help himself. He's no victim and neither am I. Never again do I want someone to yell at me for telling them that messing the bed is not right, and then have said person PULL OUT A LIST of my wrongs to consult while continuing to yell. Included on the list were my evil transgressions: for example, not knowing that my sig other had spilled milk on his pillows, which he left there, [ which he says ruined his pillows ] while he did some dishes etc [ without being asked ] I can't quite work out the logic of how him spilling milk on his own stuff, without my knowledge, is my bad. Probably because there IS NO LOGIC.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
I'm sniffing around for meetings, have some literature, and REALLY appreciate you guys!!!!
