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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Do not regret my past nor wish to shut the door on it
Post Info TOPIC: Do not regret my past nor wish to shut the door on it
bethlibart


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Do not regret my past nor wish to shut the door on it
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I am also brand new to this forum/website (just discovered it today).

I am an alcoholic, 12 years sober, one day at a time.  I am finding that I definitely NEED Al-Anon as I am DEFINITELY am an enabler.  I enabled my ex-husband for 25 years and when I got some help and decided not to do it any more, he ended the marriage -- at the time I had 3 young children under the age of 10.  This break up was extremely painful for me, actual physical pain, as I thought that he really loved me (before kids I had broken up with him 3 times and he begged me to come back).  I am over it now, and realize that it was good to experience this sort of pain, now I can share and understand others. Fortunately at the time my marriage ended (was it God?  I think so) I managed to literally wander into an AA meeting and found  what I really needed.  Fortunately it stuck.  

Long story short, my kids are now 17, 18 and 22.  When I compare myself to other parents who raise kids that are relatively "responsible" I find myself being (sort of) an enabler all over again.  My oldest son is behaving in an extremely flaky way, about one year (or so) left of college at a pricey school (his father's choice) and just kind of melting down.  The other two are not model children, either.  Just spent the afternoon in court yesterday with the middle one who got caught at a party with a group of kids, getting a long long talk from a judge.  She is going to have to pay $200 and do a 12 hour drug and alcohol class (I will make her pay for it herself).  The father tries to enforce discipline but at this point they have no respect for him because he is a financial disaster living off of his new wife.  It seems to be all on me now, but I am not going to let him put it on me.  My middle daughter is now working 2 jobs this summer and had decided to go to a community college instead of the 2 expensive private schools that her father thought she should go to (brother will owe $80,000 or so when he gets out, and she is too smart to do the same).

I got into a relationship that I still am in after 4 months sober.  It was very hard for me to be alone and this man helped me a lot, but I am not sure that he is the perfect person for me (is anyone?).  I feel OK now, have a lot of close girlfriends that I do things with, in addition to this partner.  

 As much pain and misery that I went through, I do not regret my former marriage or my kids because I take the responsibility that I was an active alcoholic.  It is very hard for me to tell my kids that they may not be here if I had gotten sober earlier -- sometimes they ask me how I could stand being with their father, that he makes no sense, I can only say to them "I used to drink".



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hotrod


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Hi Bethlibart and Welcome to MIP

Alanon and AA give us new constructive tools to live by and that is the reason "We /I do not regret the Past nor try to shut the door on it." I know that using alanon steps, slogans sponsor and meeting, I have become an honest, kind , compassionate person who understands my past, accepts the responsibility for it and am grateful to HP that I have found a new way.

Although both AA and alanon are based on the same 12 Steps and many the same slogans, the focus of each program is different and new growth can be obtained by attending the different meetings.

You are not alone we have many members who are members of both programs. Join us and share the journey.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Jerry F


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Aloha Beth and welcome also to the MIP board.  I am also a double...Al-Anon first and then AA for definite reasons coming from learning to be ultimately responsible for myself, my choices and my consequences.   Not regretting the past is work for me. My apologies and amends are connected there and where I've done pretty well with the amending process the apology process has mean't sharing the pain I left others in with them.  Without both programs I would not even have the willingness to go back and calm spirits and release the victims from the long lasting pain.   Mostly it is "God with me work" as I do it inside of HP's presence and guidance.  I stay open to that direction and work because there are a few memories I "need" to keep in order to keep recovery real. 

I like your post and your open awareness (honesty) along with the willingness to "progress" rather than claim perfection.  I can hear your footsteps all over Dr. Pauls message on page 449 of the BB, which was such a powerful support to my growth in Al-Anon and helped me to "stop fighting" the process and to sit quietly, watch, listen, learn and practice this program of recovery.  It also helps me to stay out of and away from expectations of perfection and just trudge on a daily basis.

I read your post and get a picture of a puzzle laid out on the table top with the pieces coming together.  The picture that is revealed as the pieces fit together is "God's part" "my part" "their part".   If I drink I cannot do the puzzle and become one so I don't drink any longer.  If I enable I cannot do the puzzle and become one so I fixate on the picture and work toward that.

I am so grateful to the Al-Anon Program for allowing me to find peace of mind and serenity and unconditional love and acceptance so I could go about my life that now includes sharing the journey with my family which is an extention of untreated alcoholism.  I share it when they reach out and like myself have hit the wall or the sidewalk and ask "Can you please help?"  I reach back thru the door like you do and grab part of my own past and say, "this is what it was like, this is what I found out, and this is what it is like now."

"Doubles"...doublely blessed.   (((((hugs))))) smile   Glad you are here keep coming back. 



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Pushka


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Welcome to the program and keep on coming back. There are so many wise, wonderful and loving people on the board.

P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
bethlibart


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I just wanted to add that my former husband was not an alcoholic but rather sick in many ways, extremely unrealistic and irresponsible when it comes to money.  It made me constantly anxious and I drank to calm myself.  I spent 25 years trying to clean up his financial messes, with very little gratitude on his part.  I did not want the marriage to end, but the end was the best thing that could happen to me!!  At this point, I am very grateful to God and to his former mistress!



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Debilyn


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"normal children" thinking of a mom and dad mannequin and their 2.5 mannequin kids...

NO ONE has normal children. lol Hey honestly yours really sound like the average. They are going to make mistakes, that is how they learn.

Shoot try haven a kid who was caught smoking Pot at your job of coordinating talks to kids on the hazzards of drugs and alcohol. At the same time the friend with him started a fire in a little shed outside the school across the street!

Not a week after your family was voted and celebrated as family of the year!! true story, one of my best friends!!!!

Oh the stories I could tell you! I am not kidding almost all those same kids, are now adults, doing very well. When they get 18, they have to start figuring it out and going thru the consequences.

I was too scared to do much wrong.Not that my parents were strict. I just had an innate feeling I did not want to get in trouble.

Shoot I had to run from a party in the woods that got busted, I was there to kiss my boyfriend not use....ate some brownies as i made dinner for some guys, had NO idea there was hash in them. I got so high I could not talk, or see, was awful!

Took my moms station wagon to go see these boys with my friend. NEVER had driven in my life. only knew gas go, brake stop....

Hitch hiked home from a cabin we buncha hippies lived in, my friend had eaten the thanksgiving dinner the next day when i told her NOT to, No refridgerator. On our hitch hike home, she started the food poisoning!

We got stuck in a city at night had to call to get help home...

Hon in the long run it is all part of growing up. My dang friend tried heroin back when no one thought about sharing needles...again I told her NOT to. She is as straight laced as they come! Her husband is who sold mushrooms! He is a major contractor for my home city!

In saying this, if you can I would step back and have faith they will be ok. Take a breath, take a class, go hang gliding.

I believe when we are with the right person we know, there is no question.Just how I rock.

hugs hugs,debilyn



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bethlibart


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Thanks for the replies. Trying so hard to stay sane and deal with these teenagers without losing it too bad.

Beth

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