The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I'm very new to Al-Anon and have just started going to meetings and working the steps. What I'm realizing right now is how angry I am at my AH, angry for all the verbal abuse, angry with the fact that his drinking has put us in debt, angry because I have no friends because I've been so isolated, angry about all the times my kids have been around a drunk. I know dealing with this anger is part of the Al-Anon process I'm just wondering if anyone else encountered this stage when they first started out.
Ohhhh yes, I'd say welcome to the club unfortunately I wouldn't wish membership on my worst enemy. The good news is being here, you understand where you are at and the fact you need to heal. The fantastic news is you are with people who get where you are at and have been there done that continue to do that, it's the best feeling in the world!!
Keep coming back because it really does get better. There is such much love, support, wisdom on these boards and just reading helps me, and re-reading really puts things into perspective. It sounds like you are also going to f2f meetings, keep going to those the shares in the meetings really do make a huge difference. :)
Hugs again, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hand is raising also...I've been there too and like you found it and felt it just inside the doors of Al-Anon. Before Al-Anon I didn't know what feelings were so I just knew crazy.
Inside the doors of Al-Anon I learned some really good tools on how to deal with anger (rage for me) and that the opposite of anger was acceptance. Anger I was toast...Acceptance I was open and level. I wasn't accepting the bad stuff that was being done on the fact that it had been done and I was powerless over the fact of it. In acceptance I was more open to learning alternative ways of seeing the picture and then responding to it. I use to act out physically in anger, uncontrolably and violently...In acceptance I could keep my voice down, language less threatening and my hands at my side not locked into a fist.
I learned that I was most angry at the disease than I was at my sick alcoholic. I was frustrated and powerless and anger was a default feeling for me at that time, so was frustration and confusion and unrealistic expectations. I mean how could I expect anything out of alcoholism other than what I had already been receiving.
I had to learn how to divert the huge amount of anger and self loathing I had for myself and the self blame which was the tap root to my depression and was driving me toward another suicide attempt. My first attempt was when I was married to my addict first wife. Self anger is like intentional self victimization...The disease beats the hell out of me and I also do that at the same time. When I'm feeling angry it's time to do something good for me...a gratitude...a nicey!!
I learned how to tantrum my anger...yes tantrum!! Vent it in many ways and all of them safe for me and safe for others around me...Tantrum...jump up and down wagging my arms, pumping my legs, hopping and shouting "I don't like it, I hate it" and then straightening my self up when done and going on about my life. My sponsor taught me that ...."you don't have to like it you just have to get thru it." Arrrrgh!!
There's lots to learn about anger and alternative behaviors to it. I want to hear more on the subject. Be kind with and to yourself. (((((hugs)))))
Oh God Yes. When I was new in the program I would rather be angry than sad. It was an armour of self rightnesous that nothing could pierce. There is a saying in alanon do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? When I was "right" I was more powerful exercising my point if I was angry. He was scared when I was angry. He would more often than not jump because I was angry. Anger was my manuipulation because it was a better powerplay for me because it worked.
Bottom line, if I was angry, I thought I was tough and the alcoholic could not hurt me. I found that just isnt true. I had stuffed so much pain under that anger to make it look like I was o.k. Nothing was further from the truth. Today anger is the greatest teacher to me because I discovered through the program it only masks my fears. When I can get still and uncover, discover, and discard all of the illusions of separation that exist between my HP and me, then I can access the peace and serenity that I know my HP wants for me.
I see you have already received confirmation that "anger" is a very normal feeling when we begin to acknowledge our feelings and pain. So glad that you are working the steps with a sponsor and attending meetings. The anger lifts and you will be free!!
Dear Lizabelle123, I join the rest in saying YES, Yes, Ohhh yes. Especially, hotrod.
But, you know, anger is a natural response. It is actually protective in the sense that it alerts us that a boundry to ourself has been transgressed in some way---so that we can defend or protect ourselves. Don't be afraid or self critical just because you feel anger right now.
You betcha been there done that one , my anger started to go away when I was able to accept responsibility for my part in the marriage, I allowed unexceptable behavior for yrs over and over again so how could i blame him he was only doing what worked for him .. I chose to ignore it most of the time until I got here and learned to set boundaries for our relationship the verbal abuse stopped , I chose to get happy regardless of what he was doing and got my life back on track . Isolation is common for those of us who live with alcoholism , we take on the shame of thier disease we feel it is a reflection on us so we isolate and help to keep the secret.. thus loosing our selves one more time . anger will pass talk it out with a sponsor accept your part in this and you can then move on . Louise
Otie, just wanted to say that I like what you said and the way you said it. Anger is a red flag, and often in dealing with boudnaries. I often found myself, and still do, feeling angry when a boundary is or has been crossed. Only now I can catch this early, and work with alanon members or my sponsor, or even just a trusted advisor, on how to best respond.
May hugs. You are not alone!
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Raising both hands! At the begining of the year I found Al-anon and the first few months I was so angry and let down, I took a lot of it out on my treadmill. I had to wear myself out physically to sleep and calm my mind a lot. Since then I have found more acceptance and even forgiveness. I had to learn to dettach and make healthy boundaries and learn to keep them for my own sake. It has been a long hard process for me, but it works when you work it! I feel better today than I have in my entire life, more stable, balanced, free and just proud of myself for breaking so many cycles for me and my children. It is part of the process so feel it and deal with it and than move through it and welcome the next phase all in the name of your growth. Great awareness, sending you love and support!
-- Edited by flopadopilus on Thursday 14th of July 2011 10:07:39 AM
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Waving my arms in the air!! Yes, I was absolutely furious for the first few months i was in Al-anon. I remember sharing and just feeling my blood boil. I would get up in the morning and beat a pillow with a rolling pin to get all the anger out. I also went to the beach and stood facing the wind screaming at the top of my voice I was so angry with the verbal abuse, raging, ignoring me, isolating, not taking responsibility for things, the chaos, the fear he was going to kill himself, his threats to leave, all the usual stuff that goes with alcoholism and the behaviour patterns that go alongside it. I screamed into pillows for weeks, shouted on the beach, beat pillows, and told everyone who would listen in meetings how furious I was with my A. Then after a while, the spaces between the rage seemed to get longer. Now I go swimming to deal with my anger and every time I kick in the water I am kicking out my anger. I have to physically get the anger out or I can't relax. I found allowing myself to feel the anger the most difficult part of my recovery so far, as I was taught that anger was bad. Now I can see that feeling the anger and finding responsible and safe ways to release it gave me more energy to deal with the problems in my life and to work my programme well. Welcome to MIP and thank you for sharing. (((Hugs)))) Freya
YES, and to be honest I still am angry. Its been almost a month since I found out about al-anon and I'm still trying my best to learn what I can and adjust. I'm still on that crazy rollercoaster of emotions but I have to say w/o al-anon and MIP I probably would have ended my life. Just finding a place to vent where people know and understand where I'm coming from takes the stress away and that helps me get through the day.
The program will reveal things to you and you will begin to see life w/ a different set of eyes. I'm still working on my miracle and I wish you luck w/ yours.
xoxo
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
Oh yes, you will meet so many people who have felt this same way! I am new to Alanon as well, and honestly, I wish I had come sooner. But by the time I got to Alanon, my angry phase had kind of passed. Don't get me wrong, I still get angry, but the anger kind of changed into a sadness for myself and my kids, and my AH as well. I realized like, tommyecat, that the anger was a mask that was {I thought} helping me hide my real emotions of disappointment, sadness, fear of the unknown, fear of my AH (even though there was never any PHYSICAL violence, but other kinds). It's normal for you to feel this way, but as you go to Alanon and learn new strategies, and get ideas and hear stories, you will change.
