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So I am feeling guilty for living my life...isn't that insane!!!!! My ex keeps calling and texting and emailing, which is somewhat funny because he never did that when we were together! I can't shake the feeling of guilt though...not just because I met someone else and Im having a good time just laughing and dancing and going to movies...but because I left him. He told me that he's never had a foundation in his life and people always leave him and he never thought I would, although he understands why I did. I know he's sorry for what he's done...and I do love him, but I can't put myself back into that relationship right now. He goes back from loving me to hating me; and Im so worried he will hate me forever if he finds out that I have someone new in my life...who isn't even a boyfriend, we're just taking things day by day and enjoying each other's company. How can I stop feeling guilty for finally putting myself first?
PS Thank you all so much for being here, you honestly saved my life and gave me the strength to be a better person
((((CORGI)))) I am wondering if its guilt or grief? For me, when I feel guilty it is usually grief for what happened. I feel guilty that I can't be home with my kids in the summer, but what it really is, is grief that I can't be there hanging out with them. Grief and guilt are different. When I think of my kids being home, hanging out having fun and I am not there, I feel sad inside and somewhere in my messed up ACOA/codepdendent brain, the word guilt comes into play... But its not guilt really, its grief. I am grieving the fact that I can't be there, can't take them places, can't be like other mom's who are married and have the ability to stay home with the kids... Breaking up with your ex sounds to me kind of like you may be grieving the relationship loss? It is hard, I feel that too when I think back to having to leave my ex-husband. I feel sad about that loss...but it is a grieving process I have to go through and I did go through it. Just my two cents ok? I am glad to hear you are moving on, take your time, I hope you have some meetings and phone numbers in alanon to call... take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
There is nothing wrong with getting off the "Roller Coaster", and good awareness that you remember what the ride was like. He's offering you a free ticket to climb back on, not wanting to lose what he has already loss. But nothing changes when nothing changes...... it's the same old same old. Keep taking care of yourself and never feel guilty when you put yourself first.....It's always the next right thing to do.
I agree with the previous poster shares that it's ok to be ok. You have done nothing wrong in finding some happiness for yourself. You have moved on (or started to) and your ex has made a decision to remain where he is, that is not your responsibility or issue. He can change his path when he's ready to. By no means do you have to ride the E ticket ride to the pit of doom. (I know a little overly dramatic, .. lol)
It's so good that you see it's ok for you to have a life and you need not feel guilty about it. :) Work your program girlfriend, you are so worth it!! :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
In my experience, my A's biggest ambition was about positioning me in a place of feeling guilty for me and pity for him. It took a long time to learn that i didnt want to be in that position anymore.
I totally understand this because I've been there.
I still feel like that once in a while with my exAH. He's in an tiny apartment he can barely afford, sometimes his utilities get turned off because he doesn't pay, and he's alone. I feel guilty because I have a great life these days. My exAH would go on and on about how everyone in his life left him, etc. - I felt so much guilt about being just another person on the list of people that left that it took 3 years to leave him once I knew I was done. I felt like it was my responsibility to make sure the bills got paid, make sure the groceries were in the fridge, hire the lawyer to get him out of trouble, etc, and to keep him from being sad because he was alone.
I've discovered that the whole problem is my perception, and a really misplaced sense of responsibilty for his feelings. He was an adult when I met him, and he's an adult now. His situation is a result of choices he made. All choices have consequences - good or bad. I'm not there being the mattress protecting him from the bad consequences, so now he gets to experience them for himself. He could make different choices if he wanted something to be different. He's capable of it. I made different choices when I wanted something to be different. I don't need to feel guilty because I didn't want to be part of an insane situation anymore. I don't need to feel guilty because I didn't want to be cheated on and abused, and I took the steps I determined were necessary to protect myself. This is "changing the things I can."
I still wonder once in a while what might've been IF HE WOULD JUST HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. But ya know what? He wasn't different. It's recovery that has allowed me to even see the reality of the sitaution. Before, I was hanging on to the idea that this fantasy in my head could be reality someday - IF HE WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN DIFFERENT. I came to ask myself, if nothing ever changed, could I be happy the way things are? The answer was no.
I've learned here that other people are just as capable of making choices that yield different outcomes as I am. If other people don't choose to make changes and are in exactly the same place they've always been in, it's not my responsibility to jump in and fix. It's particularly not my responsibilty to sacrifice my own happiness out of a false sense of responsibility for something that is really and truly none of my business. It is my ex's business if he is sitting in the dark because he didn't pay his electric bill. Plain and simple. It is my responsibility to determine what I'm going to do, and what choices I'm going to make for myself.
In the case of my ex, I can also understand that his perception about people leaving is sick. People didn't leave - but they got sick of being used and abused and set boundaries to protect themselves, much like I did. If he wants to think that refusing to be abused is leaving, that perception is also his responsibilty and his business.
Accept that you deserve to be happy, joyous, and free - and leave the responsibility for other people's emotions with those people.
Summer - What a fantastic reply! I need to print that off and save it somewhere I can read it every time my guilt and worry starts to rear it's ugly head!
Corgi - I felt so much better once I regained my faith in my higher power. I felt guilty over leaving my ABF and so worried about him and his kids, but I realized I had to let go and let God. There's no reason for me to feel guilty about taking care of myself and moving on. I still worry about him, but he's got to take care of himself and I have faith that there's a higher power at work here that will take care of both of us. That faith was the final change I needed to let go of him, and I pray for him every day. I wish you well in your healing and new adventures!
