Have Relationship Cold Feet. Was Single 4 years. Help! Share Stories - Al-Anon Family Group

Nervousguy · Newbie

Have Relationship Cold Feet. Was Single 4 years. Help! Share Stories

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a little confused here, but welcome here anyway! Did you have an alcoholic relationship before, and you are now scared?

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

My advice , slow down man . 2 dates and you want a commitment ??? yikes take it easy and get to know each other life is way too short to go head first , full speed ahead ll Easy Does it comes to mind . and do i believe in love at first site? yep I do . enjoy.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Nervous

Welcome ! Not sure anyone can give you the right answer for you. This is a site for those of us affected by the disease of addiction and I didn't hear anything about you in your post. Do you or your girlfriend have a problem of addiction or have been affected by it? Knowing that would give a little more insight into your thought process.
But in my own personal life, I am not a big believer of love at first site type thing. I do believe in lust at first site and the excitment of meeting someone new with whom you connect with.
I have been with my husband for 30 years, married for 28. I grew up surrounded by addiction, chaos and abuse so my self esteem was pretty much zero back then. I dated all the wrong people, usualy men who treated me badly but I guess I thought that was what I deserved.
My husband was completly different from all the other men I had dated and when I met him I had sworn off relationships for a year after a nasty break up. HP ( whom I call God ) saw fit at the end of that year to put my husband in my path.
He treated me very well, we got along well, enjoyed the same things everything I wasn't used to and yes I had the desire to run because I didn't think I deserved being treated well. But I didn't run. My husband came with his own set of issues, was going thru a nasty divorce and also grew up with addiction and I am sure there were times he also wanted to run but didn't.
Here is what I do know....early on in relationships we are on our best behavior only with time do you see the real person and they see you. That alone would tell me to take it slow. I know we did, took the time to really get to know one another. Have you seen her in a bad mood, sick or in crisis? and vice versa.
I would say take your time, have fun getting to know each other and see where that leads you. It lead me to marry my best friend. Aside from being in love, my husband and I actually "like" each other. growing up with addiction we both had trust issues that we really needed to have worked out before we made a commitment.
Lots of things go into a relationship
Wishing you the best
Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Nervous guy...Almost sounds like a chemical hit...a compulsion heading into obsession...Are you a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups or AA or such? I ask because there are tools in the program of recovery which are very very very helpful (at least for me) when I was in this situation myself...group support and sponsorship, face to face for me was really helpful.

Did I ever become scared in this situation? Only after I had gone thru it without help and then it was too late. I knew more about divorce than I did marriage or lasting relationships and now I know that the lasting one I am now in has come about with the love, help and support of the program. We don't ever get to do it perfect.

Honesty and lack of fear were huge lessons...might want to ask if you would allow her to read your post?

In support...being a guy sometimes just so sucks. smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I have this image of the second date, the door opening and everyone being dressed for a wedding. Sorry totally inappropriate, it just pops into my head!! :)

There is plenty of time to walk down the aisle take some time to get to know the good, the bad and the ugly. 1 date is not enough time to figure out who someone is and after the chemical glow of love dims if it's going to be enough to stand the test of time. :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Met her two weeks ago and the "smitten" has worn off?? That was quick. I have had dogs for 14 years that have passed on and I STILL feel the in love with them!

One thing about love, it does NOT go away. IF it is really love.

Hon like Jer said, sucks to be a man. I am a woman so all i know is me.

Love at first site? Unfortunately yes. I saw my first love over 40 years ago. That love interrupted my life, caused great pain and greater happiness than much of anything in my life.

Love at first site for first husband who died. All these years later I still dream of him, still cry if I see certain pictures.

I don't believe in the slowing down thing. Not sure what it means. I feel what I do.

I ask myself what is the worst that could happen? What is making me afraid? Are you looking too far ahead to responsibility or what?

It takes more than two weeks to develop a friendship! After holding back for two years could make your hormones be insane too.

For me I would want to have fun for a long time before anything else. Meaning do things, go walking, riding horses, biking, swimming, play board games and cards, Keep busy. Develop your friendship FIRST.

Intimacy/sex gets us all mixed up when we are not ready.Its soooooo much better to work on the friend part. And I mean being friends.

I believe you are mixed up because you may have been intimate too fast.???

Sure she may be the one, but still no reason not to really get to know her. You won't be nervous if you guys are friends first. It just grows naturally.

There is a reason I believe thru my HP that we should wait for all that hot stuff till we are married. Then we have all that time to really know them, like them, find out the tough stuff.

Its NOT the good stuff we want to look at. Can we love the hard stuff too? That is what matters. Plus what you are in is called the honeymoon period. Take a breath, shake your marbles in your head, drop your elbows, pay attention, then just go sit by a river with a nice blanket and lotsa food. Mellow out and just be. Be glad you have a new lady friend to get to know.

Use the head on your shoulders to go on this path. Go fishing!!!

Hey I cannot even get the nerve to talk to anyone.I want all that bolony you are going thru to be over with and both of us in our comfy cloths eating good food, with our dogs and cats laying on us, just watching tv!

Listen to your head kiddo. love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.