the limbo is killing me - Al-Anon Family Group

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

the limbo is killing me

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Lou,

I am right there with you, I don't know the answer either, and I don't know the outcome, this is a whole knew way of going about stuff, for me too, I have gone through tons of emotions, GUILT, am I a terrible mother, GUILT, did I cause it, worrying what people with think of me, for now I am not in battle with my son, only because he is not here antaganising and trying to manipulate me, I don't know how I will manage if he comes home, he was clearly warned of the consequences before he left and if nothing else, he has now experienced that I mean what I say, the locks are changed here, so now he cannot sneak in and out at his leasure, I was only thinking to myself yesterday how when someone apposed me I fought harder, so I have wondered if by not making an issue out of our sons choices he might gain his own awareness of choice, I am going to try very hard not to should him, not to voice my opinion on his choice of lifestyle, when I see him I will try to keep our conversations light, I will tell him I am happy if he is happy because that is my truth.

I have started to try and practice acseptence too, whatever the outcome I have to accept it, I don't like any of this, but thats ok I don't have to like it, just live it like it is.

My son moves from one enabler to another, there are tons out there, heck I was one too! Lets hope they get this sooner than later!

This is tough love Lou, stick with it. x

katy

x

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Lou and Katy,

I have no words of wisdom to share, outside say what you mean and mean what you say, and then give it over to God (your HP). Sending lots of love and support to you both and to your A's. Everyone has their own life lessons to go through, some have to get through a lot more pain for whatever reason to get the same lesson.

Hugs again P :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

This sounds very frustrating because we want and love our children so much and want so much more for them. I once had a cousin I let live with me who had heroine addict parents who neglected her. I thought by taking her in it would be a great situation. I was 23 and worked a lot was seperated from AH for 2 years at that time and had a 3 year old, my cousin was 17 and wanted to babysit and get away from her parents. I thought it would be a win win situation, it however turned out to not be the case and I had to send her back, which broke my heart, but I couldn't handle the situation and keep my sanity and I needed to know my lil one was safe. I still feel bits of guilt over it 10 years later and I have no idea where she is or how she is doing, it's all in my head that I let her down and now whatever bad is happening must be because of me. I know it's not right, but sometimes it gets ahold of me. Accceptance is such a beautiful thing if you can reach it and handing it over to HP is so freeing also. Step 4 has been hard for me so far but very helpful in my growth. Keep up the good work! I am sending you love and support!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Wednesday 13th of July 2011 09:16:35 AM

Otie · Senior Member

Oh my gosh, loup. Every detail of what you describe brings back exact memories of the past for me.

That struggle between independence and dependency!!! It is amazing how shockingly arrogant and uncaring they can act (their brains are not yet fully developed, remember).

Since he is so close to the legal age, I found, for me the most effective thing that I did was to detach and announce "You are the captain of your ship". For all complaints and requests (that are simply to make their life easier), announcing again: "The name of your ship is INDEPENDENCE, and you are the captain".

Loupiness, it is tough. You cannot seem unsure or inconsistent. He will try to test the limits---probably a lot just to see if you are serious. He won't believe you at first. He knows from the past that you are "soft hearted" and he can work you.

Loupiness, this is a long haul---for the next few years, I would say. This won't kill him; it will help him to grow. what will destruct him is if he never learns to take care of himself. Best he learn it as young as possible.

Eat your spinach Loup, you need to be strong!

This is my take on your very difficult situation. I hope that some of it might help.

Sincerely, Otie

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Loupiness, I am a mom and I have a bf who's parents did everything for him up until last summer (he was 30 at the time). They cooked, cleaned, paid his bills, covered for him, bailed him out after his DUI and wreckless driving...They finally kicked him out after he ended up passed out on their bathroom floor from using drugs and alcohol. He came to stay with me.

At my house with my two sons, we all pull our own weight so to speak. I make sure my kids do some of the chores to learn responsibility, and so my bf had to start learning stuff too. He had never cooked so now he cooks and actually enjoys it. He barely cleaned, now he does stuff around the house when I am at work. I am not saying its perfect, he is learning though to be his own person.

All I am saying is that from my perspective, his parents never let him take over for himself when he turned of age. They babied him til he was 30. They enabled, and did all the co-dependent things they could and it kept them both in their own diseases. I can see this from both sides because I have two sons (one is 14 one is 8) and I live with the bf who had parents that did too much for him. You can bet that it made him very disgruntled at them and they at him....

The best thing I have learned is that we have to let them grow up and be their own person. And I have to let my bf be his own person. It is so hard, I see it in myself sometimes, and I am really working on not rescuing them when they have screwed up (my boys) and not feeding into my bf's disease either.

Just yesterday my 8 year old was having trouble getting on the swing at the park, it was really high. He asked me for help. I didn't mind, but I could barely lift him. My older son said "mom, he will never learn if you keep doing it for him"...wow. Ain't that the truth? They really do need to do stuff for themselves, or they will never learn if we keep doing it for them. Next time we go to the park, if he wants help to get on the swing, I will encourage him to do it on his own... Take care of you!

Ruby · Veteran Member

Loupiness, I wish I had made my A/A dr. take resposibility for herself when she turned 18, she wanted to be grown, getting pregnant @ 17, married etc. At the time I didn't have a program and was full of guilt for divorcing her dad. She is 44 and still act like she is 14, but, for the last several yrs. I'll been in recovery and it's taken me a long time to really set firm boundries with her. Currently she and her 26 y.o. son is homeless, we live in the same city, but I try not to know what is going on with them, then I don't have to get it in my head. Of course, I'm on thier "shit" list. I keep them in prayer and call a couple of prayer lines to pray for them.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Lou Lou Lou, I saw your pictures. I can see how much that kid loves you. Hey he is doing something. not sitting in his room smoking in the dark,not taking showers,not going anywhere.

I had so many of sons friends come thru our home. A transition time before they went out and tried more of there young wings. They all are still friends, wives, kids,jobs, they all go camping together!

They need us to let them leave the nest how they need to. You have shown him you are a strong mom. I know I told you, my son told me i was intimidating. So I let go. Sure they all partied, but Lou this is how I have seen MOST boys transition to moving on. They need that.

Many don't do it like we wish. Graduate hi school, go to college, get a part time job,live by the college etc.

He is not hating you. he is growing up and needs to think on his own without

mommy! I am serious! We had a parents support group that we all were saying the same thing.

he is doing his pulling away from you, home, security, its natural. Very natural.He needs to find out for himself the things we know. We cannot tell them everything. its our time to step back and TRUST him to take care of him.

I am not kidding, all of my friends kids and sons friends are doing well! Of course a few punked out but they are still living on their own.

It is all temporary. He will get it. My son almost lived at his girlfriends house. They fed him, bought him nice cloths for holdidays etc. hey it was hard for me.I would thank them but they loved him, and he was and is like a son to them. He and girlfriend have a son, my g son Tiger.

Sadly she cheated so he left her. They are back to talking now. he has paid child support for 15 years.

Anyway honestly we cannot hold them back anyway. I am not kidding, he sounds great to me! I am sorry the drugs or whatever are part of it, but he has to figure that out too. you cannot put him in time out anymore!

You can stick to your rules/boundaries. ex no comen home drunk. Welcome to come to see ya or maybe eat, get cloths etc. If he stays over, his choice, he has to give back some. or he has to leave.then if he is not complying, after he made the choice to stay over night or whatever, does not do the chores you made a boundary with,

then you call the police to get him out., HIS choice hon.

He is NOT going to ever stay away. I can see how you and kids are,

We gotta let them go try their wings however they are going to do it. If you are not telling him what to do, asking him questions, he will come to you. i promise.

I would say hey kiddo, what are you up to? Keep it light, I tell ya when ya do, most times then they feel free to say, ex: mikes mom never does the dishes, she yells at him all the time blah blah. ex Oh really? simple.

Well I know you can get to where you want to go. I am so proud of you., It works. My daugher wrote in a card to my son I saw that said, did you get a card from mom? Did she tell ya she is proud of you?? I have heard that even when I was stealing her socks....

they need us to be behind them without pushing. He needs to feel like a man, he needs to figure out how to grow into a man.

He has to get sick of partying, not working, getting to school himself, that is HIS job now.

Hey girl you are free! You raised a good kid, I would let him have the chance to use his own power, fine his own power and how to use it.

So if you want, change his room into a sewing room, keep a small bed for him but shoot, it could be a neat plant room, or reptile room! gads you could make it reptile proof and let them be free in there!!

Like on oh Everyone loves Raymond, his dad made his brothers room into a mancave with a hot tub!! lol

Its hard, dang we have them for such a short time.But I tell ya nothing means more to me now than seeing my kids and grandsons. I am so proud of all of them!

Debilyn wishing she had a room to guinea pig proof and put tubes all over the walls and ceiling with environs for them!! OR a pot bellie pig bedroom! or hmm a huge plant room with lizard...

Love debilyn going to ask landowner to add room....(c:

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I've shared my story as a mother of a 17-year-old son; he's now 35.

Our stories are very similar, even to the point of our sons finding another home where anything goes. I know the feelings - beyond words.

When our son left at 17 and went to live with the "do anything want at time" family we did the following:

- had him come get every item of his out of our home

- gave him absolutely no money

- he had no health insurance (about drove me nuts! once he had to go to the emergency room; we were out of the country; I never knew how he paid the bill or if he paid the bill.)

- he knew he was welcomed back into the home, but he also knew there were rules to follow. He chose to live elsewhere. He had a rough time for many years and so did I (needlessly).

I believe we did the right thing for him. He eventually got it together. He always was able to keep a job and seemed to be a very responsible employee. He finally finished his B.A. a few years ago and now is currently in a masters program. He just got married to a wonderful woman! He is respectful and loving to me and his dad. He admits that he was an A**H*** back then and has thanked us for not giving in to his demands. He gives me the most beautiful cards on holidays; they make me cry because I remember the tough years and thinking how awful a mother I was.

Back then we didn't give in; however, that isn't to say that I didn't beat myself up good! My self-torture was needless.

Loup, he wants to be independent and live outside of your home; well, then set him free; he has a HP too.

Is it easy? Heck no!!!!!!!!!!!! But cattering to him will spoil him rotten and he will be so ill-prepared for life. It would be an injustice to him. Tough love is sometimes needed. It's the best gift you can give him, besides taking good care of his mother.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 13th of July 2011 12:10:12 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lou...you're doing good...we have no guarantees as we do the best we can with what we have at all times. You have the love and the concern and the program which keeps it all in better order than before. You're ESH has helped me in the past so I know that you know where the recovery door is. Everyone I know in recovery today at times "doesn't know" ...normal.

Some mother birds just edge their chicks to the side of the nest and say "Okay now open your wings...those thingys on each side of your body...spread them out good and wide...okay now ready?" and then it is toss, tumble, flap, glide and soar or toss, tumble, fall and crash. Maybe sharing some ESH with him about you and your Higher Power (not the long version cause that tends to put some to sleep) before he disappears over the side of the nest would be good.

Papa's do it very different than Mama's and I thing both experiences are helpful. My children are well grown up and all of them are grarying to some degree or another and our lives are similar in some areas and then so widely different in others. They were not supposed to come out how I thought they should because they all came with their own wills and choices with justifications. We're not all in the same boat or else we would have sunk from mutiny ages ago.

You've done good...the best you could with what you have and have had. Tell him where his wings are located and where God is and smile as he goes over the edge.

((((hugs)))) smile

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