New with a question... - Al-Anon Family Group

pessimisticallyoptimistic · Newbie

New with a question...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow that's a lot of work on your part!! What are your expectation of it? Sounds like you're questioning yourself and maybe a bit fearful of the consequences. I was when I did things like this. I can't ever remember a good outcome in fact on one occasion I lost the relationship with the person I cared about. I so totally didn't expect that and then I didn't know what I know today from the Al-Anon program. I was playing God (just for me) and my friend didn't like the outcome. If your DH isn't going to think it is important enough to do or the right thing to do or isn't as excited about it than this is your deal...not his. I should have always taken the early clues regarding my unwanted fixing. I could have spent all of that time focusing on what I needed to do for myself rather than denying there were things about me that needed more attention first.

Certainly you are free to make the phone call and just as certainly you are free to listen to the feedback from the fellowship. In the end, I was taught, the consequences are all mine.

Glad and Grateful you stopped in to get support and feedback. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

pessimisticallyoptimistic · Newbie

Thanks for the response. My expectations are to have family for my DH & soon to be son. I'm certainly not questioning myself and I don't think fear is the right word as to the consequences. More along the lines of, is this too soon within a year of sobriety? I guess I'm not looking to fix anything, The main thing for him to know is that he has family, alive and wanting to connect. This is what he's wanted his whole life. This will mean the world to him but at the same time, it'll prove his Mom a liar. Not sure if this would be too hard for him to find out?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm adopted and I found my birth mother, personally I think this is up to him what doors he wants to open. You know in the tv shows how they always show the happy reunion in the picture for the first meeting. The thing is that the first meetings things are fantastic. It's time that tells the true story. I was very fortunate to have found my birth mother she is a wonderful person. The reality is I have read many people who have had such high expectations of what is to come that it's a huge let down after the first meeting. It is overwhelming for all sides. I was 30something when I found her, our eldest was a year old and it opened a huge can of worms for her. No one in her family even knew about me. So it's not always cut and dry. There are also a ton of emotions that your husband is feeling and not wanting to deal with or HE would have been the one to open the door. My mom (adopted) was terrified when I found my birth mother she never wanted me to look and still has resentments that I found her. I have never wanted or been curious to find my birth father. Truthfully, I would find it hard to believe he would still be alive based upon his life style. I guess I would be curious, it's kind of complicated emotionally for me. I have a lot of mixed feelings. My bmom has never said anything horrific about him or anything like that it's just the issue of when I've tried to look I always wind up hitting a wall as far as information. I believe he told her a lot of untruths or stretched them a bit. She became extremely defensive when I questioned some of the stories so I decided to let it go. I figure 50% for me was enough.

It's really a very very very emotional thing to go through finding "lost" family. You do not know what the "wonderful" cousin is really like. What is the whole story and so on. It's somewhere in the middle and based up on perceptions. It's a door that once it is opened you are not going to be able to close. It's a very personal decision and as an adoptee I would have been angry if my husband had pushed me into it when I had given signs that I was choosing not to pursue it.

Anyway, lots of luck and I hope it all works out for your husband :)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

IMHO if you have this information and shared it with your husband it is his job to run with it. I get he is in early sobriety and learning he has been lied to most of his life, grew up without a dad or knowing dads side of the family.
It is unlikely that is the reason he started and continued to drink and if he relapses getting this news then he was just looking for an excuse.
If you haven't given him the information, do so and let him handle it how he sees best. This is his situation to handle not yours. Give him the dignity of making that choice for himself and acting upon it if he wishes. If he doesn't wish to pls don't push it. He may not be ready.
I was also taken from my father as well as my aunts uncles and cousins. It hurt at the time as a child but now I know where some of them are and I choose not to engage with them except with one cousin. That was my choice.
Wishing you the best with the baby and hopefully with your recovery
Blessings

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok here are the facts. You wanted to know becuz he wants to know.

Does he have arms and fingers on his hand,can he hear, can he talk? Hon if he wanted it or anything bad enough he can do it for himself. This is what we call enabling.

We have no idea that what we do won't open a whole mess. Not the same but Ted Bundy was handsome personable and people liked him. Some knew him a very long time. Yet we will talk to someone on the phone and say they are great.

It can bring problems of having to change your phone number becuz now they have your info. Asking for money or wanting to fight whatever. her u are pregnant, not even realizing alll the stress you and he will be in raising a baby. I mean good stress btw.

As far as his family history, medicine has come a long ways. He can get a test that can tell oodles about him, you could too.

As far as anyone or anything causing his addiction, does not work that way. It's in their DNA. If they are an addict nothing outside made them so, nothing makes them drink besides their disease.

A is very young in his sobriety. Is he going to AA, is he on a program of recovery. He is VERY shaking in his disease sobriety.NOT that your sharing will cause him to use, but his path is very shakey. He is very sick, any huge stress will be harder on him than when he is on a stronger maturing recovery.

He may be upset that you got into his business, there are a ton of things that can happen.People are complicated, they always bring drama,always. Not that it is all bad, but can you really handle it? What if they want to come visit when you have the baby?

I am just bringing out some ideas in my head. Please don't take it personal. I know you did this from your loving heart! Sadly with someone with this disease it is very touchy.

Myself I sure don't see how you are going to not tell him. for me it would bug me until I did. I would feel guilty not telling him.

I am guessing one did not think of the consequenses of doing this? Smiling at you! Good intentions I am SURE.

As Jer said it is all up to you. All I know is when I got into my A's stuff it was not pretty! Not once did it turn out as I hoped. Some things I learned thru Al Anon it is best to leave it in HP's hands.

Keep coming this is HUGELY important! I am sooo glad you shared! Ya made me think! We learn from you too.

Have a happy baby, but enjoy that tummy as long as you can! So much love sent to ya,debilyn

clep · Senior Member

If he wants to know, he can do all of the research himself. He isn't for whatever reason that is, but that doesn't make it anyone elses place to do it but him.

I see you going through lots of work to make something happen. Yes it is true that medical questions need to be answered, if and when something was to happen with your child.

If it turned out something did happen with your child, your husband knows the contact info. The means is there in that sense. I don't deal with what if, I deal with what is in my own life. If I dealt with what if's I can create all sorts of drama for myself. I am quite good at justifying that drama as well.

My A has a father that I pressed to be a part of our lives, about eight years ago. It turned out terribly for us and I wish I had of just left things in the hands of my A. I learned that my child is not the glue that binds relationships together, or the reason for them. I learned that because I am with my A doesn't mean that his business is automatically mine too.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Clep, that's an interesting point and one I struggle with to this day. What is my business vs what is my AH's business and you are right on when you say just because we are with our sig others/spouses doesn't make their business ours. I thought because we are married it should be my business, the reality is that's not how it works out. My life has truly become easier because I no longer put myself into situations that cause me more drama than I already have. Now my A shares more easily with me I think that's because I no longer harp. I also find that he is more honest about some things that he would have lied about in the past because I no longer question. I still have my own opinions about things I just am now keeping them to myself unless it's something I am asked. He does not need to know my opinion about everything or if I think he is wrong about something. He is entitled to his own opinions whether I agree with them or not.

As far as medical questions I was more concerned in my case about having my maternal information vs the paternal.

pessimisticallyoptimistic · Newbie

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I think my questions are being missed here. xeno59, I'm not recovering from anything myself?

DH desperately wants to know this side of his family. Like I said before, he'll be over the moon to find out there is family ALIVE. He knows I planned on calling, he wants to know, he's just had no open communication with his Mom & has been thankful to me for the bits of info I've gotten out of her. I can't keep such a big secret from my spouse, I will tell him. I feel this should be sooner than later, the Aunt is older & I would forever feel guilty if she died before he had the chance of connecting with her.

Debilyn, he is not VERY SHAKY in his recovery. He was never a fall down, crazy drunk. He just simply cannot handle alcohol & made the decision to quit. I'm actually worried about him falling into depression more so than drinking when I tell him.

My questions:

*Is there a safe, calm way of approaching big issues with recovering addicts?
*Should I call the Aunt myself (okay, y'all have seemed to answer this, I'll give him the phone #)
*I don't want this to make him hate his Mother, any suggestions on how to support him after I tell him that in fact his Dad was looking for him his whole life & that there are living relatives out there?

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I dont think you questions are being Missed , your missing the points made.

"Never do for the alcoholic when they can do it for themselves."

All the members of this board have had many years and life experience of living with the disease of alcoholism. Most everyone is telling you the same thing
in different ways. I dont think you want to hear it.

Even when were married to a person, we must learn the art of detachment and to let it all unravel the way its suppose to unravel, without any help from us.

I hope you will look into Alanon and how we arrive at living with wisdom for our lives , for all we can control is our life, we cant control others.

Luv, Betina

pessimisticallyoptimistic · Newbie

I'm not trying to control anything other than breaking his news gently.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, I haven't responded because I thought maybe I didn't want to get into it, but now I feel I can share something with you.

I don't know my biological father. I did have some very strange communication with him in my early 20's when I found him. It did cause me great depression when he didn't believe me about something that I told him and I am still very angry with him for not trying to be in my life. If someone, even my husband had gone around me to contact my father or someone in my family, it would have actually made me very angry that they did that. I am now glad I didn't grow up with my father because he turned out to be an addict and quite crazy.

The recovery that Xeno was talking about was your recovery from living with an alcoholic. That is what alanon is. We have the same disease as the alcoholic, except our obsession is THEM and not alcohol. We are just as sick if not sicker (in the mind, body and spirit). There is no easy way to say to someone "I contacted your family that you don't know, for you, here is what they said" You could hand over the phone number and say, hey this is your Aunt's number, and leave it at that. That is giving him the power to do what he wants with it. How would you feel if someone went around you?

In alanon we learn to focus on ourselves, and let other adults be themselves. Take care of you! HUGS

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