What to do with my feelings - Al-Anon Family Group

fish out of water · Newbie

What to do with my feelings

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am very sorry for your loss. This is a vicious disease in which a person doesn't seek recovery until they hit bottom and for some that bottom is death.
I lost my brother in March also to this disease. He had actually found recovery 13 yrs ago, then 10 yrs ago after he married and had a child he got his diagnosis of Hep C from using a dirty needle. None of the treatments worked for him so he knew each day he was on borrowed time. To his credit he maintained his sobriety/recovery until the end when he went into hospice.
I was his medical power of atty and while we lived 700 miles away I spent time traveling back and forth working with his treatment team to try and keep him somewhat healthy until we could get him on a transplant list.
But all the work and time I put in didn't fit into HP's bigger picture. I am ever so grateful for the time I did get to spend with him in the end.
But I was angry.... angry at my HP ( whom I call God ), angry at myself for not working harder, definitly angry at my brother's wife who had gone back to her addiction yrs ago and while my brother made very good money she never had to work, she never cleaned house or made a meal in 13 yrs for taking his hope away, she was going to be very well off after his death and she was ready to move on and made it clear to him that no matter how well he got he was no longer welcome in his own home anymore, I was angry at the world. And while I have been in the program going on 3 yrs I had no idea where to put those feelings or how to let go of the anger. It was a major slip in my program. but it was also my program that got me past that anger and reconnecting to my HP. Again grateful I had this program to fall back on.
Although your bf is gone now pls consider finding a alanon meeting and start on your recovery because your life has been affected dramtically by this disease. You will find people who understand and maybe have gone thru your same situation.
I hope you join our family
Blessings

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((fish))))) I am so sorry you're going through this. I have not been in your situation (other than watching my ah do what I think is drinking himself to death.) All I can offer is the suggestion to read the posts here and take the wisdom of those like xeno 59. You are not alone, keep coming back.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, so sorry for your loss. Please keep coming back you are not alone. :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Fish

Welcome I am so sorry for your loss I do understand the pain and grief all too well. As you know, Grieving is a painful and difficult process. Alanon is a we program and sharing your grief at alanon face to face meetings and with a sponsor will lessen the pain . You will no longer feel like a "Fish out of Water". You will be enabled to move thru the process with courage serenity and wisdom.

When you are ready, working the steps 4 thru 10 on the relationship will also help to reach a level of peace and acceptance.

You are not alone.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Fish,

You are in the right place. I would echo what hotrod said in that steps 4 - 6 will really begin the healing process. Also, Alanon has a wonderful book for which I have not seen referred in this forum, it is:

Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses # (B-29) You can buy it on Amazon or in the face to face rooms of Alanon. It is described online from the Alanon website as follows:

"It shares the experiences of hundreds of members as we explore how Al-Anon principles have helped us to acknowledge, understand, and accept the losses we have experienced as a result of someone elses alcoholism. The book covers a wide range of topics including death, financial ruin, abandoned dreams, and vanished self-esteem. With the help of Al-Anon Family Groups we can begin to heal and to live life more fully."

I am so glad you are here. I do so hope you keep coming back.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh honey you are sooo very young in your grieving. I lost my love 30 years ago, I know how it feels. I cried today from missing him.

I hate repeating but its my experienc so if others have heard it, hmmm.

It does not matter if you were married, living together or not, you loved him. He was a huge part of you.That is the truth. Some people can not go on when they lose a loved one to death. It's very hard, very damaging and life changing.

It also can spirol us into a life that is much richer for the experience.

I want to invite you to grieve as long as it takes. Its ok. Most won't understand but thats ok. You be your own best friend. That is what I ultimately did.

I remember saying what you just did, I would even just like to have him to fight with! I want just 10 more minutes! I still dream about him all the time. He is talking like he is alive, I say to him I am so glad you are not dead. Then other times I say OH Ed honey I cannot do that, this is a dream and you are dead. Then I wake up sobbing and feel it all day long.

But of course it does not happen as much. I can tell you as time goes on, that horrible pain that hits you will always be there, BUT the times in between it hitting you will grow longer and longer.

The horror of things like that do not go away. It's like when you smell a flower and it smells soooo good, then ya smell it again and it doesn't that much. but in a day or two it smells so good again. its like we are blessed with a mechanism inside that knows we can only handle so much.

The loss of my loved ones to death (I am 58 now)made me realize the power of naps. Sleeping, eating right, drinking water, walking, accepting and giving hugs.All that helps you heal, Facing the grief, crying yelling, kicking, throwing. I would go out in the pasture and throw rocks when my second A went away.

I used to say Ed I could kill you for dying on me.

I hope you come here a lot to give and get healing words and thoughts. Even though Al Anon came to me later in life, it has helped me thru wounds I suffered when I was much younger.

Hugs hon,debilyn

fish out of water · Newbie

Thank You Debilyn it feels good to have someone who can really relate. I feel less crazy. Alanon Has been a blessing every time I remember to come back and get out of my own way.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.