The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, court for the dismissal of the restraining order was this morning. I was so stressed I swear I was gonna be sick right there in the courtroom.
They called me up, ABF was brought in from his holding cell and sat at a table to my left. I was afraid to look at him. I didn't know what my reaction would be or what would go through my mind if I did. The judge began and asked my why I wanted the order dismissed. EVERYTHING I had planned on saying was completely erased from my mind. I couldn't remember anything I wanted to say. I was able to get out that this was an isolated incident and I'd like to remain in contact with him. The judge asked ABF if he contested and he said "no".
Then I glanced over at him. There he sat in his green jumpsuit. He looked tired, beat down and just plain miserable and made no attempt to make eye contact with me. To my surprise I didn't feel ANY compassion for him. Not one bit. I felt pity. Pity for him that he got himself in this situation. Pity that he'll probably be incarcerated for quite a while and pity that it probably won't be his last time. What a revalation that was. Whould thunk?
The judge granted the dismissal because of no prior acts, then we were both shuffled out of the courtroom in different directions.
Now my anxiety has turned over to what are we going to say to each other if/when he calls now. I am gathering all the strength I have to let the words come out of my mouth that he is NOT welcomed back into my home until he is sober and is working to stay that way. Point blank. I know I can't have it there. He needs to SHOW me he can do it and not just talk about it. But I'm wondering.... Is there ever a point where there are "no more chances" to make things right on his part???
Still in confusion but feel much better today. :)
Thanks to you all again for allowing me a place to vent!
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
On the issue of "no more chances" that's the question only you can answer. There are for some when the breaking point comes and they have to get out. You will find your own answers and as you move forward in your own healing you are going to figure out what you want. :) Hugs I'm glad everything went well and you survived :) The nice thing about the phone calls is you can decide if you want to take the call or not and you always have a choice in that way.
Hugs :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Glad you made it through ! No more chances, only you can decide. I have said that a hundred times to my son, yet always gave in, in some way for another chance. He too sits in jail right now ( not his first trip there). First when the calls come they will be collect calls and they cost a ton. You do not have to answer any calls until you are ready. I often so not answer the phone cause I am just not up for confrontation, aruging or listening to the BS. You will know enough is enough. Take this time to throw yourself into your program ( that is what I am doing ) so when my son is released I will have the strenght to let him go, hand him over to his HP. Blessings
"No more chances" will be up to you. I gave my exAH about a hundred thousand chances, and he took each one as evidence that his behavior wasn't really so bad. Eventually I realized I had no bottom line. Then I set a bottom line -- if he did X and Y, I couldn't take it any more, and I had to leave. Then he did X and Y. But I was so addicted to him that I couldn't see how I could stand him leaving (even though life with him was so tough -- but I kept thinking somehow, any how, it would get better). So I said, no, actually Z and W were my bottom line. He did Z and W and then I decided they weren't my bottom line after all. When I finally did wake up to what my life had become, I had had innumerable bottom lines. In retrospect I wish I had ended it earlier. But we all have to find our own way, and every path is different. Keep working your program and taking care of yourself.
