Not Drinking but Still Denial?? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jeff · Member

Not Drinking but Still Denial??

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jeff,

you do not say if you are attending meetings.

Denial is a big part of alcoholism for both the drinker and family members it is how we protect ourselves from reality. they blame us so they do not have to look in the mirror. in alnon we have the 3c;s you did not cause it, you can not control or cure it . it is not your fault. I was focusing on my partners drinking so to deny how sick i had become from living with an addict.

My only suggestion is that you try an al anon meeting if one person in the family gets better everything improves. Al anon will not get your partner better but you will find happiness again.

take care of you hugs tracy xxxx

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Jeff,

Hugs and it's not a stupid question, maybe a redundant one (I know I've asked the same thing to myself and out loud), however not stupid. I can tell you that based upon my experience with my AH is yes, that is called being a dry drunk. He has used every excuse in the book, never owned what he did, still blames the prescription pills, if I didn't actually read the police report and when he's been in some kind of clarity over the situation and made some seriously crazy remarks over what happened. I've said, hon I read the police report color it what you want that's fine. I know what I read. He went as far as to blame me for his drinking and I was grateful he did it in the counselors office and was called on the carpet not by me.

Reality, you are NOT responsible for your AW's issues. Until she is ready, she will not take responsibility for them. Even if she stops cold turkey, unless she has some kind of substance/program support, it's a drink waiting to happen. That is how I see my husband. It's not a matter of if he's going to take another drink it's a matter of when (I get sick to my stomach thinking about it so I don't usually). It's not our issue to fix, we can only fix our own issues.

Something that alanon has taught me which has been a life saver, it's having the coping tools to deal with my situation no matter if my husband is drinking or not. I've focused so much on him I have forgotten I had issues, oh my and there they are in full force and now I wonder when did that happen?? The focus is now on me. My husband has to battle his own demons. I love him, he is the father of our kids, he has to be willing to walk the walk of sobriety though for himself. It's no longer a reflection of what I did or did not do, me not being good enough to make him stop, him not loving me enough to stop.

Your kids are so lucky to have someone who loves them the way that you do and the best thing you can do for them is to teach them by example that we can love damaged people without damaging ourselves. I do not want to see my kids go through anything close and I am hoping that I caught myself early enough that I can teach them through example that they have value and they always have choices. If someone chooses to damage themselves it's not about them.

Hugs again, and you are not alone. :)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

If not in recovery the A will continue the same behaviors as when drinking/using etc. Recovery is meant not only to get and keep sober but to change those old dysfunctional behaviors and replace them with new healthy ones.
So if your wife is dry ( no recovery group ) or still drinking you can expect more of the same sorry to say
Hope you are getting to meetings and working on your recovery because if we don't work on our own recovery we too hold on to our old behaviors.
Blessings

Jeff · Member

Thanks for the info....kinda what I thought.

We are getting a divorce and Im not worried about the acqusations. I just wanted to know what signs would show her going in a positive direction. Im sure she will continue to drink due to her lack of accountability.

I dont blame myself......I actually feel pity for her, as the person she has become is quite ugly. .....and she used to be such a beautiful person.

Thanks for the advice

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