The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to al-anon, and I was recommended to check the group out to begin to heal, and revert back to my old, happy, positive self.
I have been dating an alcoholic for 6 years. At first, I didn't know the extent of his disease, but when I moved in with him a couple of years ago, I figured it out. He wakes up in the middle of the night to drink; says he can't sleep. Brushes his teeth to try to mask the odor, but I smell it; I always do. He drinks all day, and it makes me sad. It makes me feel like if he loved me, he wouldn't need to drink. I have begged, I have pleaded. He has admitted he is an alcoholic. He has been to inpatient treatment, but seems to always after a very short time go back to the bottle.
I am tired of searching for his new hiding places for the liquor bottles. I am tired of always worrying that he is lying to me about his drinking. He recently got fired from his career due to being intoxicated on duty. So now, when I am working, he has all day to drink. He passes out, doesn't remember conversations, and has no interest in anything but getting his next bottle.
I know I can't make him stop. I hate the person I have become because of his alcoholism and all of the lies. I am paranoid, with low self esteem that I will never be good enough. I am always worried, and hyper sensitive. When I am not around him, I fear, and am usually correct that he is drinking.
How do I know if I should stay or if I should go. He keeps promising sobriety, but it doesn't last long. I am tired of feeling guilty, paranoid, and depressed. Rehab didn't have lasting results for him. How will I know when enough is enough? How will I know when he is serious about becoming sober?
Hi and welcome glad your here :) You asked "how will you know when he is serious about getting sober?" From my experience the answer is probably right in front of you, watch what he does not what he says. Believe what you see, the answer is there. As far as asking "when will you know enough is enough?" for him or for you? We never know what is enough for another person only for ourselves. Prayers your way and glad your here :)
Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us. I found myself walking into the doors of alanon for the same reasons as you listed below. I too hated the person I had become as a result of living with active alcoholism. If you try to keep an open mind, there is help. There are many of us here who have experienced the same difficulties as you.
I must say that this board has a strong fellowship, diverse backgrounds, some people in alanon, some not. In the face to face rooms of alanon we share our experience, strength and hope about the disease of alcoholism. We do not give advice, beware of those that do. Rather, we share with each other similar experiences as we live and love those that suffer from the disease of alcoholism.
For me when I was new I wanted the do's and don'ts list of what I should and should not do while living in active alcoholism. I discovered so much more. My answers came when I attended face to face meetings on a regular basis, chose a sponsor and began working the steps with them. Relationships with the alcoholics in my life have been transformed. Not because they are in recovery, it is because I have changed and I am in recovery. There is a reading that struck a chord with me when I was new in our daily reader, One Day At A Time, on July 1st, pp 183. Perhaps it may resonate with you.
There is a saying, take what you like and leave the rest. We're not perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. So, please stick around for awhile. We are motley crew. Keep coming back!
Respectfully Yours,
Tommye
I think you will find that you are
-- Edited by tommyecat on Monday 11th of July 2011 07:33:35 AM
I could have written your post a year or two ago. I understand all that you stated.
I lived with alcoholism for 36 years, divorced for 1 year and then found Al-Anon. Okay, I didn't "find" it. I was well aware of the organization. However, I was too stubborn to give it a try. But when divorce didn't make me feel better and I got tired of carry a lot of emotional baggage around, I found my way to meetings. That was only 5 months ago. I feel significantly better already and know that I will continue to grow and flourish, regardless what the alcoholic in my life chooses to do.
I sure hope you give meetings a good try. It is suggested to attend at least 6 before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. However, I suggest attending more before you decide. I also suggest attending as many different meeting groups as you can in your area to see which ones are a "good fit." You can take parts of the program that feels right to you and leave the rest; there is no one that will tell you what to do or think. Members of these groups, at least the ones that have been seasoned, will not judge you. But they will offer you their unconditional love.
Be patient. I know that you want answer right now! However, it will take time for them to reveal themselves to you.
Again, welcome!
Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Welcome, there are the 3 C's you cannot control it, you did not cause it, and you surely won't cure it. It becomes an obsession and control issue to the max. The best part about alanon is there is hope for you!! Hope to get you back and find your way through this situation!!
Please keep coming back and if you can find an alanon meeting in your area. You are not alone!! :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome ! You definitly landed in the right place. Our stories may differ a little but we have all stood in your shoes in one way or another. Doing all things you mentioned and more. It is beyond exausting isn't it? Here's the good news.... This program is just for you, to get you in a healthy place no matter what your bf is doing. My son is an addict ( and my husband an I grew up surrounded by addiction ) and I can't tell you how exausted, broken and completely hopeless I was before I walked thru the doors of alanon. Now when I heard this program was for me not a way to fix my son ( which is what I was looking for ) I almost left, I can't tell you how grateful I am that I have stayed and i will be here for life because I can apply everything I learn here to all aspects of my life. If you haven't already Please get to a meeting and start working the program, the sooner you do the sooner you will learn how to take care of you. It is recommened that you work the program for at least 6 months before making any life changing decisions. By that time you will have gotten educated on this disease and hopfully starting to put your focus back on your life instead of your bf's. You will be able to make more informed decisions. I had to hear a lot of things I didn't like but were so critical that I learn. Alcoholics drink, it's what they do along with that comes the lieing, blaming, hiding etc. Don't bother checking for all his hiding places, he will only replace the booze so give yourself a rest on that one. It is said if the A ( alcholic/addict ) mouth is moving they are lieing. I have found and I think everyone will agree that is pretty much true. Doesn't matter if they are sober or drunk you are now talking to a disease that will do or say anything to protect itself and to get you off thier backs. While they are talking to you they are only thinking of that next drink or high and how they are going to get it. You will learn to believe what you see, feel, smell etc to trust your own instinct instead of the lies that are getting thrown at you. Once you start to trust your instincts the less you will feel the need to confront, because you already know the truth and don't need to seek validation from anyone else. Here is hoping you take that step towards your own recovery Blessings
Thank you for all of the kind words and support. I have found a meeting schedule online. I don't know anything about the program. Should I wait until there is a beginner's meeting?
I just went to my first meeting this weekend. I just picked a random one, not specifically for beginners. They took me aside to give me a "beginners" course. They just explained what al-anon was about, how it worked, what to expect, and then we shared some of our stories.
I am not sure if all meetings are like this or if I just got lucky.
I've only been to the one meeting so far but I can't express how good it felt. I would definitely say give it a try.
Beginners meetings a.k.a. newcomers meetings is a good idea to get your feet wet and learn more how the program works. For me my first meeting was a discussion meeting. In my homegroup they have ladies stag meetings with is wonderful because it is only women there in the room.
Which ever meeting you choose will be fine. Keep us posted.
