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Any thoughts/ideas on how much of what a person says when they are drunk is true? There have been quite a few repeating themes in what my AH has said. When sober, he has admitted to saying some of these things to make me mad, but I still wonder. And honestly, many of things he says, when drunk, I believe. It's hard not to. When I first got involved with my husband, he had told me that he thought people's true feelings come out when they drink. (He was an alcoholic long before I met him.) I'm asking this question of the group, because I (was) taking generic prozac. Side effects over the years have helped me to gain weight, lose interest in sex and some memory problems. His intense dislike of these side effects, plus "my dependence" on this mediciation, is tossed at me each time he drinks. I've been on a low dose for over a year now and stopped taking it about 2 weeks ago. I do have the support of my current doctor and previous doctor. And of course, now he is extremely mad at me for stopping (he's sober right now), because "I'm nicer" when I'm on the medication.
Note: This isn't the only theme that gets repeated at repeated. If I started listing them, this post would never end.
So, what are your thoughts on the "truth" in a drunk rant?
Your doing what I did a lot of while married to the AH, blame myself, look for reasons of why he might be drinking, "if I had done that, if I said this, bla bla"
Bottom Line , we have no power over this disease of alcoholism. I also use to believe that "their true feelings came out when they were drinking"What I know now is , they dont even remember what they said or how they behaved. Even when the alcoholic is trying to put the responsibility of their drinking onto us and blame everyone and everything else that they can find to point the finger at, anyone else but themselves, because the disease is about denial. I was married to the AH for 26 years, I can say I got a real education into the disease of alcoholism, I suffered the effects of this disease, noticed past tense. I no longer suffer from it and its not because I separated from him, its because of the tools of this program. Alanon made the difference.
As far a s a drunk rant, its just that. I have found it to be both ways, Sometimes they dont tell the truth when there sober either.
Whats most important is how we feel about ourselves. What is our truth. Am I right with myself. Our peace of mind does not begin and end with the alcoholic. They are mentaly diseased people, who are you going to believe? Them? or you , the sober one.
Just stick with Alanon and the support of your doctor. Im sure you will be happy you did.
It seems a lot of time the "common sense" filters shut off when the A is drinking. If the A has been drinking a long, long time, those "common sense" filters shut off even when they're sober, too. Let's not forget the some of the true physical effects of drinking in excess leads to brain damage - so of course nothing coming out of their mouths will make any sense.
I would drive myself crazy if I tried to understand the disease - pick out what was truth and what wasn't. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. It affects the mind and personality in crazy ways that are difficult to grasp.
The only thing I can control in my relationship with the A is me and how I react, respond, and also how I feel about myself.
Understanding that the A is a sick, hurting person helps me to not personalize their criticisms. I like the saying "hurt people hurt people", because that is very true. The A is hurting and unhappy with himself. He doesn't know how to work with those feelings, or its just too scary to, so the A lashes out instead. The disease tells him everything outside of him his what the real problem is, so the A goes on blaming outside conditions for his problems.
Being brutally honest here, however, I have to turn that description on me, as well. I grew up around the disease and thus learned that people outside of myself were the cause of my problems. I spent most of my life being convinced that if only other people would change then I could be okay.
Being on the receiving end of that from an A showed me how impossible and hurtful that is - to have someone outside of me pressuring me to change so they can be okay.
Al-Anon taught me that if I want change, I need to let it begin with me. I'm the only person in my life who has the authority to either "take" offense or practice acceptance. The choice is all mine.
Over time working the program and hanging out with oldtimers and newbies smarted than myself I learned that "Keep it simple" was a really useable slogan so when I was up against this question I would simply go to the facts...She's drunk and drugged...so is everything else about her. I stopped listening and participating in conversations I couldn't/wouldn't participate in. Step 2...Came to believe that a power "Greater than myself could lead me to S A N I T Y." I heard long ago this metaphor for trying to argue with a drunk. "it is like going to a gun fight with your gun unloaded". Nuf said.
Keep coming back cause there is soooo much to learn and soooo much support to have. Much love to. (((((hugs)))))
Wow! You received some good responses here. My take on this topic is that alcohol impairs their thinking because brain cells get damaged over time. Therefore, their ability to rationalize things while intoxicated is not possible. In terms of telling the truth while sober, that is also questionable. One of the factors in alcoholism is lying, among other things. I usually watch my husband's actions. I've heard one lie too many. Keep coming back!
I agree HL, it's all about what I see not what I am told. I also agree there is so much support and wisdom to be found on the boards you are so not alone. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You know I often wondered that myself... Then the more I learn about alcohlism, I've realized that even when they are not drunk they still suffer from the disease which means the behavior and their thought process is pretty much the same. I have to say that it is worse when my AH is intoxicated because he cannot control himself at all versus being more patient and weary of his behavior when he's not.
I look back on our relationship once in a while and remember all the times he would blame me for everything that he did wrong. My AH made me feel bad for being angry or hurt about something that he did which of course would lead into a fight because he nor I won't let up. Everyone used to tell me it not to talk to him or bother with him when it was drunk and I never listened. I'm not saying things would be different if I did just ignore him while he was boozed up because ultimately I would still be unhappy.
There's really no actual way to tell whether he's lying or not. All I know is the old saying, actions speak louder than words.
PS i hope you notified your doc about stopping your meds and that you tapered off instead of stopping abruptly.
xoxo
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
I've heard it said, if their lips are moving they are lying.
That exact thing was said to both my AH and myself by an addiction counselor. Absolute truth for my situation.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think it is different for each person..... I had to learn to filter out what I knew to be the truth With my son who is an addict if he tells me he is depressed, angry or loney ( which is a theme for him ) I believe that only because I have never known an A that wasn't depressed, angry or loney. If he starts in with the "I'm sorries, I am going to quit, I swear it will be different this time and my personal favorite..I am going to look for a job" I know thats a load of crap If I hear he got high because of me trying to talk him into recovery, or he has so many pressures on him blah blah I know those are all excuses. As the parent of an addict I took my sons addiction very personally. He wasn't brought up this way, in fact we moved our family 3 states away from the other addicts in our lives. But I thought he was doing this " to us" when in fact he is a very sick young man and he is doing this to himself. It took me a very long time to stop taking it personal. During some talks we had when he was working recovery he did tell us there was nothing we could have done to stop him that it was his choice to sink into addiction, yet he doesn't know why. I do believe genetics played some part in it. But I do have to go along with the saying if the A's lips are moving they are lieing Blessings
Have to agree if the A's lips move they are lying. I only believe actions and behaviour - words are nothing!
I also agree that Anger, Loneliness and Depression are part and parcel of the illness - for those of us affected by an A then these are the things we must guard against as we suffer as well and that is where Al-Anon and the love of our HP restores us to Sanity
