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I will take a chance and post about this. I think the main reason I left alanon meetings for a while was because of my mother. I did not leave the ideas of the program or the 12 steps, or my HP. I did not feel generally worse off, and I did not become isolated. I found other spiritual connections and things to join, which worked better for me during this time. I still like alanon and did not intend to stay away forever.
Last week I had a crisis with my qualifier. Not the first, and I actually had more of these back when I was going to meetings. The crisis did not result from my not going to meetings, I don't think. But I did get a comment suggesting that the insanity I was experiencing directly resulted from having been away.
And I went to a regular meeting that night, and a woman recognized me and was very friendly. She asked if I remember years ago when I was doing so well, compared to now. I asked her if she thought I had been going backwards -- because I really do not think so. I told her I had left meetings, but not the 12 steps or my HP.
She saw me when I was feeling bad, compared to all the times she saw me in the past, in all different moods.
I definitely do not think I was better several years ago, when I attended meetings faithfully. I had lots of problems with the same qualifier, and I was more isolated than I am now. But there is an assumption in alanon that you will go downhill if you miss meetings.
Maybe it's true sometimes, maybe not always, I do not know. But today I started thinking about why I left. I thought I would share about it, to see if you think my reason seems valid and if it would be possible to try alanon meetings again.
I am a co-dependent and an acoa. My mother always had mental illness, sometimes combined with alcoholism. I was damaged from growing up with all that, and wound up with all the typical acoa traits. I worked hard to analyze myself and recover. I did the 12 steps as an ongoing process. I made my life better.
But as I was getting better, my mother was getting worse, and she needed more and more help. About 5 years ago, my mother's problems really started taking over my life. I had to cut back on everything. There were struggles and conflicts with my siblings, which hurt me deeply. They don't live near and they don't understand.
The stress was terrible, and I tried sharing with alanon friends. I did not feel understood on this subject. We are not supposed to complain about having responsibility for our mothers. We are supposed to be happy about getting a chance to help them when they need it.
I love my mother and she was always loving towards me, and I couldn't let her down. But I hated the stress and having to put my life on hold. I hated being alone with it all, with no relatives around to help.
I shared about it at some meetings, but I knew that most of the people in the room were probably mothers, and they probably don't like to hear a daughter complaining about this. Even if they sometimes understand, on some level they identify more with my mother than with me.
I am extremely sensitive about any criticism on this subject. I hate it if someone even hints that it's wrong for me to complain. I hate it when my complaints are answered with silence.
Because of all that, it was easier to stay away from meetings and find other outlets, which I did. I have actually been pretty happy in recent years. I seldom have crises with my qualifier, and I seldom feel isolated. I pray a lot and I get help from my HP. No it has not been anywhere near perfect, but it wasn't so great when I was in alanon either.
So that's how I explain my having "graduated," at least for a while. I want to go back, when I have extra time (which is not every week). But I am still afraid of being judged.
I generally avoid complaining about my mother now, unless it just comes up naturally in a conversation, and the other person seems to understand and doesn't judge. I can't stand being judged on this, and I have ended friendships for that reason. Yes I am VERY touchy on this subject!
The whole problem of how to deal with disabled parents is very difficult. It is even worse if you are an acoa. You can't detach any more. There is the insanity you grew up with and worked hard to escape, and now you can't escape.
My mother is in an assisted living home now, and I have my life back again, mostly. Some people try to make me feel guilty about that. I avoid anyone who does.
So, my point is -- is there any hope I can be involved in alanon again, whether here or at meetings, without feeling judged about my mother? Sometimes I feel I am being judged even when I probably am not. I can sometimes be a people-pleaser and have a hard time with criticism. But sometimes the criticism is real, not imagined.
So I think that's why I left. I think I had a good reason. I don't think my life fell apart because I left alanon meetings. I think our HP can go with us anywhere.
Alanon is good, but it is not everything. There are other good things, and we don't have to feel bad about needing to go off and do something else sometimes. And we should be able to come back without feeling pitied.
I think whatever decision you make it completly up to you and your needs. For me I have found I have to stay with alanon if I want to claim my miracle. I will say that in the beginning at times I was a bit taken back with things I heard and took them a bit personally. My current A is my son ( adult ) and I to am acoa and aca. The more I talked about what my son was doing and keeping my focus on him, I was reminded this program was for me to get healthy as I couldn't control my sons behavior. I was told things I didn't want to hear but that I needed to hear if I had any chance of growing in the program. So if I as you call complained about my son doing whatever the good people here and in f2f meetings gently brought me back to "what am I doing for me". And for me they were right because the more I focused on my son the less time I had to work on my behaviors. And found that the more emeshed I got in my sons behavior the more I lost my own identity. I found complaining didn't get me very far in my recovery because again it took the focus off changing my own behavior and it certainly didn't change my sons behavior. I have never felt judged for the choices I made, even if they weren't in my best interest. The experience I have had with alanon was to make my own decisions and see if they worked for the better or worse and that is how I learned. I learned by doing a lot of listening to how others achieved thier success and if what I heard sounded right for me than I would give that a try. i am sure you know the saying "Take what you like and leave the rest" and thats what i do. What works for some of us doesn't always work for another. I came in here thinking I was so unique that no one else could possibly understand me. I had issues far beyond having an addicted child. I came here broken in a million pieces, severly depressed, constant anxiety attacks. And was accepted with open arms, and as I listened to others found I wasn't unique at all. While some of our stories may differ a little our feelings, coping skills etc were very much alike. My recovery is life long, I personally can't remove myself from the program and continue to grow. I am a work in progress and always will be and I need the support of people who understand me as no others can and help me move along in my program and frankly giving me reality checks. So now that I have rambled on.... I think your return to alanon is a personal choice that only you can make. I wish you the best in whatever recovery you choose
I think whatever decision you make it completly up to you and your needs. For me I have found I have to stay with alanon if I want to claim my miracle. I will say that in the beginning at times I was a bit taken back with things I heard and took them a bit personally. My current A is my son ( adult ) and I to am acoa and aca. The more I talked about what my son was doing and keeping my focus on him, I was reminded this program was for me to get healthy as I couldn't control my sons behavior. I was told things I didn't want to hear but that I needed to hear if I had any chance of growing in the program. So if I as you call complained about my son doing whatever the good people here and in f2f meetings gently brought me back to "what am I doing for me". And for me they were right because the more I focused on my son the less time I had to work on my behaviors. And found that the more emeshed I got in my sons behavior the more I lost my own identity. I found complaining didn't get me very far in my recovery because again it took the focus off changing my own behavior and it certainly didn't change my sons behavior. I have never felt judged for the choices I made, even if they weren't in my best interest. The experience I have had with alanon was to make my own decisions and see if they worked for the better or worse and that is how I learned. I learned by doing a lot of listening to how others achieved thier success and if what I heard sounded right for me than I would give that a try. i am sure you know the saying "Take what you like and leave the rest" and thats what i do. What works for some of us doesn't always work for another. I came in here thinking I was so unique that no one else could possibly understand me. I had issues far beyond having an addicted child. I came here broken in a million pieces, severly depressed, constant anxiety attacks. And was accepted with open arms, and as I listened to others found I wasn't unique at all. While some of our stories may differ a little our feelings, coping skills etc were very much alike. My recovery is life long, I personally can't remove myself from the program and continue to grow. I am a work in progress and always will be and I need the support of people who understand me as no others can and help me move along in my program and frankly giving me reality checks. So now that I have rambled on.... I think your return to alanon is a personal choice that only you can make. I wish you the best in whatever recovery you choose
Blessings
No actually I was trying to say something different. I wasn't complaining about my mother's behavior, I was complaining about having all that responsibility for taking care of her, while having a full time job. No, I don't mean people told me valuable things that I didn't want to hear -- that's fine! I meant, there is sort of a taboo about not wanting to be a caregiver for disabled parents.
So I am trying to say something very different. It's hard to explain. There is nothing about it in any alanon book I ever read.
I was trying to say that the problem I had didn't seem like something alanon could help me with. I felt very alone, and it seemed like no one else had the same kind of problem. I would meet people at work or somewhere who did have the problem, and I could talk to them sometimes. Lots of women are going through this, and it is stressful but even more so for an acoa. We manage to detach somewhat from our dysfunctional family of origin, only to be dragged back in when a parent becomes disabled. Then all kinds of sibling problems can arise. It's all very common, but the women I knew in alanon back then just could not related. They didn't seem to anyway. There was no connection. I did find the connection with others, outside of any kind of recovery or therapy program.
It was kind of disillusioning. I also got tired of being seen as pathetic and sick, and it can be nice to get away from that. Maybe that explains why I was offended by the guy who gave me that old "insanity is doing the same thing over" saying.
I have been stuck in caregiving mode, hating it. Then I rebelled by getting involved in things I like to do and making new friends. I never was happier.
We don't always have to be in recovery mode. I will always be spiritual and I will always do the 12 steps. But I really hate to be pitied, or looked down at.
But I still hoped I could go to meetings sometimes, or share here sometimes.
So I posted this, to see if anyone thinks it's ok to be unhappy about being a caregiver for alcoholic disabled parents. A lot of people think we must do it joyfully, because after all they are our parents. I do what I have to, but I hate it. And I love my mother, so that's not the problem. It's being stuck and trapped and alone, being responsible for a person who is half alive. Fighting with siblings who don't want to do anything, but who judge me for not doing enough.
It sucks, it makes me angry, and I have never been able to share about it at meetings.
I share this often here, but my absolute favorite saying I learned from the Al-Anon rooms is "What you think about me is none of my business."
One of my major character defects is that I've spent lots of time concerning myself with other people's opinions of me. It damaged my relationships with some and put me into isolation. I was so scared that someone would disapprove of me in one way or another that I just avoided being around people altogether a lot of the time.
That saying, "what you think of me is none of my business." is absolutely freeing for a perfectionist like me, and it definitely applies to whatever opinions people develop of me in my meetings.
On a personal note, I, too, have a difficult relationship with my mother and have gone through a tremendous amount of guilt in regards to it - feeling like I'm a terrible, ungrateful daughter because I don't consider my mom my best friend and have, at times, felt an aversion towards her. It's NOT that I do not love her. I just prefer to keep some emotional distance. I've been brow-beaten before by people for my struggles with my mother. It didn't sit well with me and has also had me keeping fairly tight-lipped about discussing my mother very much.
I've been working through this with my sponsor, however - who thank goodness relates with me, too. She also has difficulties with her mother and its taken a lot of work for her to get to a place where she's okay with their relationship not being one of chummy best friends who share everything with one another.
One of the things I'm working on is that my mom herself has continually put it into my head over and over and over again that our relationship with each other isn't what it "could" be, that it could be "better", that we should be "closer". When I grew up hearing that all the time, I became convinced that that is the TRUTH. I became convinced something was deeply wrong with me because I could not obtain that "better, closer" relationship with my mom. It only just recently happened where I finally put two and two together and realized "HEY! That's the disease talking, and that's CLASSIC un-treated Al-Anon talk of someone wanting other people to change so they can be okay."
So I'm now allowing myself to consider that the current relationship I have with my mom is perfectly fine the way it is. I feel it's important for me to get to this place and really accept it in my mind and heart before I consider possibly changing anything in how I relate with her. One day at a time, you know.
Thanks for bringing this up. It's a great opportunity for me to share more about my own recovery on this very subject.
Ifa, there is an old saying in AA which I assume (I'm a newbie) also applies to Al-Anon: you can't keep it if you don't give it away. Maybe the best reason to return is that your story might save someone's life. Have you discussed this with your sponsor?
I share this often here, but my absolute favorite saying I learned from the Al-Anon rooms is "What you think about me is none of my business."
One of my major character defects is that I've spent lots of time concerning myself with other people's opinions of me. It damaged my relationships with some and put me into isolation. I was so scared that someone would disapprove of me in one way or another that I just avoided being around people altogether a lot of the time.
That saying, "what you think of me is none of my business." is absolutely freeing for a perfectionist like me, and it definitely applies to whatever opinions people develop of me in my meetings.
On a personal note, I, too, have a difficult relationship with my mother and have gone through a tremendous amount of guilt in regards to it - feeling like I'm a terrible, ungrateful daughter because I don't consider my mom my best friend and have, at times, felt an aversion towards her. It's NOT that I do not love her. I just prefer to keep some emotional distance. I've been brow-beaten before by people for my struggles with my mother. It didn't sit well with me and has also had me keeping fairly tight-lipped about discussing my mother very much.
I've been working through this with my sponsor, however - who thank goodness relates with me, too. She also has difficulties with her mother and its taken a lot of work for her to get to a place where she's okay with their relationship not being one of chummy best friends who share everything with one another.
One of the things I'm working on is that my mom herself has continually put it into my head over and over and over again that our relationship with each other isn't what it "could" be, that it could be "better", that we should be "closer". When I grew up hearing that all the time, I became convinced that that is the TRUTH. I became convinced something was deeply wrong with me because I could not obtain that "better, closer" relationship with my mom. It only just recently happened where I finally put two and two together and realized "HEY! That's the disease talking, and that's CLASSIC un-treated Al-Anon talk of someone wanting other people to change so they can be okay."
So I'm now allowing myself to consider that the current relationship I have with my mom is perfectly fine the way it is. I feel it's important for me to get to this place and really accept it in my mind and heart before I consider possibly changing anything in how I relate with her. One day at a time, you know.
Thanks for bringing this up. It's a great opportunity for me to share more about my own recovery on this very subject.
Take care.
Thanks Aloha. Yes I do have the problem of caring too much what people think of me. I hate to be hated, or even disapproved of. When my mother became disabled I saw that I would be disapproved of no matter what I did.
And I also had a problem similar to yours. Since my siblings had moved away, my mother wanted me to be her close friend, and I disappointed her. After I found out about Alanon and ACOA and realized I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I started keeping a distance.
Maybe I hurt my mother more than I had to. But I was struggling to recover.
I don't know if it helps but I do hear of many shares in my face to face meetings concerning the difficulties of caring for older parents. My home group is quite large with 21 meetings per week. I think as someone else shared that it does help others when we describe what we are going through and how it affects us spiritually regardless of the issue. I think in our struggles we find our strength and somehow that transforms us and those around us. This week I discussed in the meeting my struggles with my sons health and other legal issues for which neither were related to alcoholism. Neither topic I had answers for and I was having a hard time resting in that space of just waiting. After the meeting many people came up to me and thanked me for sharing. So, for me I feel there is a blessing when open ourselves up a share from the heart.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your post today.
I don't know if it helps but I do hear of many shares in my face to face meetings concerning the difficulties of caring for older parents. My home group is quite large with 21 meetings per week. I think as someone else shared that it does help others when we describe what we are going through and how it affects us spiritually regardless of the issue. I think in our struggles we find our strength and somehow that transforms us and those around us. This week I discussed in the meeting my struggles with my sons health and other legal issues for which neither were related to alcoholism. Neither topic I had answers for and I was having a hard time resting in that space of just waiting. After the meeting many people came up to me and thanked me for sharing. So, for me I feel there is a blessing when open ourselves up a share from the heart.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your post today.
Best,
Tommye
Thanks Tommye. Maybe next time I try sharing about my mother it won't feel judged. Some of that was my own fear of being judged, and I may have read too much into things. If I shared about caregiving causing me stress and there was no response, I assumed they were thinking judgmental thoughts. But maybe not.
I had some bad experiences at online forums (not 12 steps) where someone was very nasty and judgmental, because they thought everyone should give up everything, no matter what, to care for elders.
If you have a parent who is completely helpless, you know that it's more than a full time job to care for them. But what if you already have a full time job? Or what if you have your own family to care for?
It often becomes impossible. And now days siblings are often far away, and unwilling to inconvenience themselves very much to help us.
But it's true, these are the kind of interpersonal family problems that can be shared about, within limits, at alanon meetings.
I think I had been especially disappointed with two women I knew from alanon. Both are mothers, and if I told them I was stressed about my mother they had nothing to say. But neither one of them had to take care of their own mothers.
I don't know. Some people understand and others don't. There is a woman in the office where I work who I became friends with because we would talk about our caregiving problems.
I believe my HP has given me this problem for a reason. It is not to cause me misery, but to help me improve my faith and trust and compassion.
((((ifa)))) Aloha...God it sounds like your heart multitasks. You love alot and do alot. I did for a while myself and I don't think a man can do it like a woman can or even come close and the amount I did also seemed overwhelming until I learned that the entire world doesn't rest upon my shoulders alone like Atlas and I went thru the ego and pride busting lessons of reaching out to others and asking "Can you please help me?" Strange words for me to hear coming from my own mouth. Stranger still were the responses which told me help was available. "Trying to do it all myself" left me feeling jaded and suspicious and judgemental and fearful of others". I resorted to isolation and defensiveness and reacting and too anger, rage and violence. It wasn't good and not even sane. There was a solution that a first I resisted until I ran out of wiggle room and crashed mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually; then HP led me to the doors of Al-Anon. The rest is history which included many miracles that also included my relationship with my mother and my step-father. It can and will happen when I'm willing to be teachable (humble) and then follow thru.
Keep coming back can this works when your work it. (((((hugs)))))
((((ifa)))) Aloha...God it sounds like your heart multitasks. You love alot and do alot. I did for a while myself and I don't think a man can do it like a woman can or even come close and the amount I did also seemed overwhelming until I learned that the entire world doesn't rest upon my shoulders alone like Atlas and I went thru the ego and pride busting lessons of reaching out to others and asking "Can you please help me?" Strange words for me to hear coming from my own mouth. Stranger still were the responses which told me help was available. "Trying to do it all myself" left me feeling jaded and suspicious and judgemental and fearful of others". I resorted to isolation and defensiveness and reacting and too anger, rage and violence. It wasn't good and not even sane. There was a solution that a first I resisted until I ran out of wiggle room and crashed mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually; then HP led me to the doors of Al-Anon. The rest is history which included many miracles that also included my relationship with my mother and my step-father. It can and will happen when I'm willing to be teachable (humble) and then follow thru.
Keep coming back can this works when your work it. (((((hugs)))))
God sent me amazing help with my mother. Just amazing. I couldn't do it myself, it was completely and utterly beyond my abilities. I feel guilty about how much help I was given. But I have also been given amazing help with other things in my life. I just have to trust.
I have been away from meetings and my old alanon friends, but I have not been away from my HP.
I found out in the fellowship that I had never out-distanced my HP as I ran in the disease. When I stopped running I felt this gentle bump on my back which my sponsor told me was my HP catching up. Lovely metaphor...I still love to imagine it. Now-a-days attending Al-Anon (and AA...doubled you see) is about helping others find the lantern which lights the trail. Mostly about the 12th step.
