The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Our program gently guides us to allow our A's to reap the consequences of their behaviors, and that we cannot continue to offer 'soft landings' for them all the time....
I had a friend from my childhood, who became a drug addict.... he was on the street for several years, and had lied & disappointed his parents many times over.... One night, when he was around 20 years old - he called home.... he was penniless & destitute - he was still very active in his disease, but he had nowhere to sleep that night, and didn't know where else to turn..... He called his Dad, and begged him to allow him to come home.... His Dad said "no son, that is not an option. I love you, but you cannot come home", and he hung up the phone.
My friend was extremely upset at his father.... couldn't believe how callous and cold he had been.... used this anger to stay in his disease a few more weeks..... blamed his Dad for a lot of what he was doing to himself......
Fast forward about 30 years..... This friend is utterly and completely sober, for over 29 years now..... he has a wonderful wife, family, and career. His relationship with both his parents is outstanding. He shared this with his Dad a couple of years ago:
"Dad, I honestly believe that if you had allowed me to come home that night, I would be dead now. You helped me find my bottom, and I am forever grateful to you for that. That night helped me find my sobriety."
There are obviously no easy or black & white answers for any of us dealing with loved ones, who are suffering in their addiction. I share this story for some perspective here - when we make these tough decisions, we are highly unlikely to get kudos and appreciation from the addict (at the time).
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
That's an amazing story with a happy ending. I never believed in fairy tales until now! Its very inspiring from both sides. Can I share the story with our face 2 face meeting members?
Great share on how important it is to allow the addict to face the consequences. We can still love them and still detach with love. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks Tom for sharing your personal story. It is a great reminder that there is hope in the program no matter how bad things may be. Expect a Miracle!
Thanks CanadianGuy I really needed to read this today! I am having to Let Go and Let God hourly at some points in my day. I know when I try to control things they get messed up and I know He can do it better. I have to stick with tough love and live and let live right now! Thank you, thank you for the reminder!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Tom was searching for other AD and AS posts to help me relate today to my situation. This post made me cry. I haven't cried through any of this. I've been angry and I've been hurt and I've been terrified but I don't cry. I have felt that its because I don't care enough what happens.
I'm wrong because reading this I realize This is what I want so bad and to Achieve this possibility I have to keep hanging up the phone or not answering. I have to say No and I have to leave her alone. Completely alone. She hurts easily, she is always looking for someone to love her less. Helping her by Letting her fall will hurt her so much. I just pray with every ounce of my being some day she'll understand Why I have to do it and Why I did it.
Now to constantly work on doing it.
Glad this was here. It was Exactly what I was looking for.
This kinda helped me too. I called Child Protective Services about my sister, who's the alcoholic, last week. She has a six-year-old son who is really suffering from living in the house. It's a very unhealthy situation. She still doesn't know I called, but she suspects me. I lied and told her I didn't do it, because then she'll just be mad at me and feel like I wronged her, and I don't want that to be the focus. I actually told her, "Does it really even matter who called? Your house is falling apart. [literally.] Your whole family is sick and you guys need help." She's STILL obsessed with who called. I feel bad for her, a little, because I know she's suffering, but the bigger part of me feels like, " You made your bed, now lie in it." It's up to HER and her alone to make positive changes in her life. She's adopted one project or another to occupy her time and briefly make herself feel better, but the real problems--alcohol use, and her marital problems--she just continues to bury her head in the sand and ignore. I texted her a little while ago just to check in, cos I hadn't talked to her in like, six days, and I was concerned and she's just sitting around being resentful talking about how bad her life sucks. I wanted to try to ask her how she could feel better, and if "everything sucks" what can she do to change it? I'm not going to bother. I'm just REALLY hoping that in ten, fifteen, x-many years, she will be glad someone called CPS.
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"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.-Marianne Williamson
