The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi friends...its been over a week since Ive been on here because I have thrown myself into work and anything I can to avoid my feelings. As you probably know, I broke up with my ABF because it got too out of control. Now he is promising the world and telling me how hurt he is. It kills me to see him in so much pain, but he hurt me for so long and its about time I take care of myself. Something I feel guilty about is that I met someone. Its nothing serious because the last thing I need is another relationship right now, but I think I am just looking for attention from someone, and he gives it to me. And when he doesn't, I start feeling sad again. I really need help with making myself happy because I look to so many outside sources for my emotions. I want to be the girl that can be happy by herself and hang out with a guy every now and then and not freak out when he doesn't text me all day long....any advice?
Dear Corgi2-----glad to hear from you again. I think you are riding the winning horse!
You seem to have developed a lot of awareness. Corgi, It takes time and practice to strengthen your self -esteem. However, as long as you continue to protect your own welfare and listen to your inner wisdom, you will see it growing.
A;so, the more you surround yourself with those of strong self-esteem y ou will notice how much that helps, too.
Have you been to a f2f meeting, because it really does help to know you aren't alone. No one can change and not face their own personal demons so to speak. Talk is talk and talk is cheap as far as the ex goes. There are some really great co-dependency books out there, I'm reading Co-Dependence No More by M. Beattie. I had read it before however the last time I didn't do the exercises and just kind of glanced through it. This time I'm ready to face my own music and it's made a big difference. I know the person I am now is not the person from last year. It sounds like you are really feeling raw at the moment, which is totally understandable, with that it makes us even more vulnerable to doing the exact things we say we don't want.
If you have an opportunity to go to a meeting please go, even though you are no longer with the A in your life it doesn't mean the damage is done.
Hugs again :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Getting to meetings and finding a person you can touch base with is always a great help. It has helped me so much. Also the book Getting Them Sober has information in it about how to deal with this, such as, remember to act like you deserve great treatment. Don't accept unacceptable behavior. The addict/alcoholic needs us to enable and they may come crawling back or begging to have you back, you can remember to not react, and remain calm and take your time to respond. I am working on this myself. Take care of you! :) You are doing great!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Hi Corgi - first thought with a chuckle in my heart is - 90 meetings in 90 days - keep you too busy to worry about men and your focus on you! Good luck!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Happiness for me is an inside out job. Before the program I was turning to people places and things to find joy and happiness in my own life. Now I understand that contentment, happiness, and joy are byproducts of the relationship and conscious contact I have with my Higher Power with whom I discovered by working the steps in Alanon.
Hey, Corgi2, I've been wondering how you're doing!
On the one hand, some admiring attention from someone new can be a good thing in reminding us that the A isn't the only man in the world or the only man who will ever care for us. If that helps to keep us strong and prevent us from going back to an unhealthy relationship there's no harm in taking a bit of positive reinforcement out of it.
On the other hand, basing our self-esteem almost entirely on external sources -- validation from others -- is very dangerous. We're giving someone else way too much power over our feelings about ourselves. My tendency was to give this power to the wrong people anyway, the kind who would use it to knock me down to build themselves up.
I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers because this is still a challenge for me. But I know that I have to take responsibility for my own self-esteem and happiness, and build it from the inside. It started with developing awareness of the people in my life who tended to cut me down and gradually having less and less contact with them, replacing them with supportive and compassionate friends. I read some books on self-esteem, the best one of those is by Carolyn M. Ball (sorry, I don't have it handy to reference the title). I set goals for myself and work to accomplish them because I get a lot of validation out of achievement -- this can be as simple as getting a flower bed shipshape or painting a room.
Slowly it's working; I definitely recognize that I'm getting more self-reliant.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Hi Corgi your awareness is great! I too struggle since leaving my exAH with needing guys attention to feel good about myself. At this point I have cut down to almost no male attention, because it seems to not work out for me and the longer I go without it the better I feel. I figure until I feel balanced for awhile without men in my life the better able I will be able to maintain feeling whole and worthy in a relationship. I also think I have more changes to make within myself before I am ready for such a big distraction. I haven't been able to pick out a healthy mate yet so I am taking the me time to get myself better first. I don't want to do all this work just to repeat the past with the next man around the corner. It is hard, but I am starting to see myself as strong, beautiful and worthy and I want more of it on my own, before I chance losing it all and basing it on a man. I am a codependent enabler and have to work on me before I am ready and I figure between Hp and me I will know when I meet Mr wonderful instead of more frogs of my past. I am getting choosy and it feels good. I will not settle again and am getting healthier everyday. I am sending you love and support in your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
