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My stepson's fiance is a wonderful young lady & I think very highly of her. Yesterday for the 7/4 holiday, they came over for a visit. Around 3p she opened the bottle of wine she brought saying she couldn't wait for dinner. By 8pm she had drank the entire bottle of wine. The more she drank, the louder she became. (Not mean drunk though, just talking so loudly it was to the point of yelling at us instead of normal talking.)
She kept offering to drive since my stepson was so tired but he did drive home.
Should I be concerned about her drinking that much wine that fast? All of the Stage 1 articles I have read say basically the body's tolerance for alcohol increases so the drinker needs more to feel a buzz; plus at Stage 1, a person can drink more and not be affected (mood altering affected, I mean).
I am not sure what my role is in this & was hoping for some guidance and thoughts. She has told my husband that her parents drink A LOT of wine to the point she said it is one item they waste money on. (Odd comment but not sure how unbiased her perspective may be.)
Aloha Hope...It's good that you are educating yourself about alcohol and the body and the person and progression and all. If it bothers you you need to do something about how it does and what you feel compulsed to do. Many here like myself are members of the Al-Anon Family Groups because of how alcoholism affects others and in our case family members. We don't call others alcoholic or tell others that they are...we only deal with how we react to it so that we don't stay in insanity.
It sounds like you are open to clues. I pray your step-son is open to clues also. What you describe in this post is also what I have experienced many times for long times because I was born into alcoholism and the majority of my relationships were alcohol related.
Stick around while the others come to your support (((((hugs)))))
My experience on this question is that I've met many people who underestimated the problem of compulsive drinking, but I haven't yet anyone who imagined it when it wasn't there. Not to say that there might be some people who are oversensitive to drinking and think there is a problem when there isn't one. But I've never met someone like that, and I've met dozens, even into the hundreds, who didn't take the signs of compulsive drinking seriously until late in the day. I'm certainly one of that kind. So those are the odds, it seems to me.
You may know the three C's of alcoholism: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. I think everyone who cares for a compulsive drinker has tried to reason with them, talk it out, etc., and been rebuffed. Sometimes many, many times. That's because one of the symptoms of compulsive drinking is that the drinker doesn't see that they have a problem. The alcoholism causes a kind of insanity that leads them into huge denial. It can't be broken through by anyone but themselves.
I wasn't imagining that you were thinking of talking to the fiance about it yourself, but thinking that most people probably would want to raise it with him, and then he might want to raise it with her. Most people do that at least once so they know they've tried. But sadly as I say, it doesn't work. She has enough evidence already in her life to see the problems it causes if she's ready to face them.
Your stepson would probably benefit from Al-Anon. Sometimes the partners of drinkers are also in denial ("I can handle it," "It's not really an issue," "She's promised to cut down so it'll be okay," "I don't need to go talk to a bunch of strangers about my life!," "I hate meetings," etc.) Sometimes we, the family, are in as much denial as the drinker. But in a friendly way you can let him know about Al-Anon, if you want. It would help you and/or him to read through all the threads on this board, where you can learn a lot about alcoholism and recovery. There are also meetings here online.
The short answer is: I can't tell you how to conclude, but if I were in this situation, I would also find her drinking worrisome. Hugs.
Dear HopeAlive, Would I be concerned? Others may probably differ from my opinion---but my answer is a resounding "YES, ABSOLUTELY!"
You already know enough that you are asking the question. Your stepson needs to know what you know (and maybe more). I see a sea of red flags. In my opinion, not to discuss it would be another elephant in the livingroom.
Since they are to be married---she is already in your livingroom. I don't have very many specifics, like how close are you and your husband to your stepson as a family?
The negative effects of alcoholic (addictive) behavior effects everyone in the family. Even if it seems minimal now, IF she is a true alcoholic, the effects will be enormously painful for your family later.
In your shoes, I would definitely go to alanon and seek guidence and support for this. If your husband has a close enough relationship with his son, he could have a father-son talk with your stepson. I feel that you and your husband need to have your boundries in place and discuss how you will handle the family conflicts as they arise. Your husband is the parent and his taking the lead will keep you out of the "ugly, controlling stepmom" role.
Your son has free will. Also, love is blind, blind, blind! Maybe the best you can do is try to get him educated at this point. At least you will know that you have done what you could.
I suggest that you and your husband run (not walk) to alanon for help and support.
Many will say that this is his affair and that it is none of your business. As you can see, I do not see it that way. I believe how you handle thing that effect you is your business (and responsibility).
I am saying this to you because I know the toxic effects of alcoholism on the family, and I want to give you the benefit of my own experience as you choose what course you want to take.
In support. Very sincerely, Otie
-- Edited by Otie on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 03:28:53 AM
I would say if her drinking is a problem for you then please get to meetings, get educated on the disease and how it works. If you are terribly concerned you may want to share your feelings with your stepson ( although it is likely he already knows). You can plant the seed with him about the benefits of the alanon program and then drop it. We don't label people as alcholics or addicts, thats thier job. But if it affecting our life here is where we find how to live with the disease, not enable and make healthy choices for ourselves. I am sure she is a lovely girl, her drinking doesn't make her a bad person. But as she is going to be a part of your family, possibly giving you grandchildren etc the sooner you start your recovery the better. I wish you all the best Blessings
