what do you guys think - Al-Anon Family Group

jamfu · Veteran Member

what do you guys think

Kristi136188 · Veteran Member

**hugs** it may be extreme, but if it's something she needs to do then she'll do it. You can't control what she does or says. I was told loooooong ago you can't question someone's recovery. There are trust issues anyways, so will you really believe her even if she said she was clean and actually was clean? Actions speak louder than words, allow her to do the actions that may at one time in the future have you trust her.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I'd wish her well and get on with taking care of myself.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the others. Let her go. She is your ex-AGF. She is an adult. She can decide what she wants for her life. Just wish her well... and ask her to stay in contact with you so you can see how well she is doing.

jamfu · Veteran Member

I didnt even want her to call me. I'd rather not know. It brought back too many bad feelings. But none the less feeling. Which I have not felt for a while. I spoke with my sponsor and cried like a little girl. I was doing so well with f2f meetings, and that call made me feel like i was back to nothing. I just want to get on with it. It is a slow process. And I cannot un fu@# myself overnight. I need to re- remember what it was like to not be miserable.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe we have no control over what someone else decides. Her sister will figure it out asap.

Then she will be stuck as where is the A going to go? Not our problem.

This sounds like a let go and let God thing. School starts in a couple months.

What is keeping you so inclined to watch what she is doing?

hugs,debilyn

Kristi136188 · Veteran Member

Sometimes set backs like that come along to show us that we have made progress, which sounds like you have!!!! Be happy that YOU are recovering. The feelings do come back and it's hard to just turn them off. Let go and let HP take care of it as much as you can. There is nothing wrong in caring if she is well, but you don't have to hold her hand while she is doing it. There is nothing wrong with being emotional. We all feel emotions when we least expect them. That's what makes us human. The emotions you felt are what shows you're healing too. Instead of bottling them all in, you allowed yourself to feel them and express them, which isn't always fun, but it is very healthy. **hugs** just feel free to vent!!! Sometimes that alone is therapy enough :)

jamfu · Veteran Member

Debilyn wrote:
I believe we have no control over what someone else decides. Her sister will figure it out asap.
Then she will be stuck as where is the A going to go? Not our problem.
This sounds like a let go and let God thing. School starts in a couple months.
What is keeping you so inclined to watch what she is doing?
hugs,debilyn

Im not watching what she is doing she called me out of the blue. And by the way her school does not start until fall of 2012. I know it is a let it go to my HP thing. It just gets hard when it's thrown right back in your face. She acted happy , but I have learned to read between her words. She is in pain.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh i read that sentence and took it until the little girl goes back to school!

I was more pointing towards the asking if the situation was extreme and if she is in treatment.

I did not mean to sound so cold!

It is horribly hard to love them so much. We care, of course we do!

Hon the path to feeling better is jagged. Believe me you are making progress. I see you going for help, sharing here really looking at your heart. You are working hard to get well!

I lived with a rotten, painful gut for a year or more. Had so much to learn. finally after blowing it a few times and realizing it and WISHING I had remembered to use my tools....I got it. He is sick, he is not the man I married. He did not choose this.

So why get upset at that which I cannot change or control. Why get sick and wanting to die, when he is so brain damaged and does not care about me or anyone at all?

I had to let him go, it was killing me. We were together all our lives in one way or another thru births,deaths, viet nam war, jail, prison. love, fun, marriage, two peas in a pod, very much in love. And I tell ya the feeling NEVER went away no matter what. For me I had to accept I love him, always will, and that is ok.

I didn't have to watch him go thru oral cancer or trying to kill himself. I have no idea what he is doing now. And I will be honest, sometimes,not often I long to see him. Just see him.

I know what you mean, if I did see him it would take me a long time to get it back together.

You will find your happiness again I promise. One thing we share is for instance we liked to fish. But we are so sick from A it is like cardboard to us. But what ya do is GO fishing. Or plant some flowers, do what you loved to do. It will all come back.

Its ok not to take her calls. Protect your heart, it is broken. we have NO idea what the future will bring. But we sure can build us back up and get some tools to handle it.

Hon I geez after years of the pain, am planting flowers, feeding a ton of birds and mammals, grooming my dogs till they are bald...haha I go see friends, they come up here. fencing my property right on the river.

I am alive again, very happy, give yourself the gift of you being your best friend.

sending you love,debilyn who says, come fish in the river right here!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jamfu,

Talking to exes is volatile....PERIOD. After more time passes, you will stop caring so much what she does. It concerns me that you think you are "reading between the lines" and "she is really in pain" It's not for you to figure that out any more. You are free and don't have to play emotional games and be on that roller coaster any more. If (and I say if...) you choose to communicate with her, I suggest taking what she says at face value. She wants you to believe she is happy....so....believe she is happy and let go.

You might think all of her life developments are going too quickly for someone who is in early recovery. I agree it is too early for her to be all happy, joyous, and free and receiving all the promises of the AA program...But, her rash decisions are going to lead to HER consequenes and you can feel good that they are no longer your consequences too.

Mark

ythannah · Senior Member

After 4 1/2 years, my ex ABF still calls me occasionally and tries to suck me back into his drama. I think that, because I was always so supportive of his sobriety, he believes that he can hook me by needing my help because that angle worked so well in the past. Umm.... NO.

While I don't like to have hostility with anyone, it is essential for my own peace and serenity that I don't talk to him. Although I am in no danger of giving in to his demands, it's just too annoying to listen to his constant litany of "Me...me...me..." and about how he's never responsible for anything that befalls him.

I have told him repeatedly not to contact me; that doesn't work. I pay $5 a month extra to have call blocking service on my phone, and his number is blocked as well as any number he would likely call from. He slips through occasionally by calling from friends' homes; I block those numbers too. Luckily he doesn't phone me at work, as I can't block numbers there.

Sometimes strict boundaries are necessary for our own self-preservation and peace of mind.

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