Motives, what are yours and what are you doing about it? - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Motives, what are yours and what are you doing about it?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Youfoundme

Great awareness. Examining my motives was an extremely powerful tool in discovering why I did what I did and said what I said. I always thought my behavior was perfect and beyond reproach I was perfect and was always trying to understand why other behaved as they did.

When I undertook the job of checking my motives and focusing on myself I discovered that my motives were far from honorable I was not as noble as I thought and I was not loving unconditionally.

The motives behind even my best actions were: manipulation of others into liking me, anger, pride, fear, dishonesty of feelings, Getting my way.

I could never have seen this behavior before alanon because I believed that these actions were justified and the tools of survival. Thank God for alanon the Steps and the new tools that I found in working the program.

When I practice these principles in all my affairs I am now able to see that my motives are now driven by courage, humility, faith, love and compassion for myself and others.

Thanks for the topic

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Oooh Betty, I like what you said, that reminds me, I am a big people pleaser, meaning I want people to like me so I agree to do whatever they want to do and I don't give my opinion on say where we are going to go out to eat or something. I am slowly learning I have an opinion...and voicing it doesn't mean someone will stop liking me. I like your new motives :) Those sound like some great assets to have :) Thanks for sharing with me!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I love this!!

My old motives were fear, fear, fear, fear, and fear. Also, manipulation, control, black and white thinking, and people pleasing. I wanted people to like me, wanted to hide my imperfections, wanted to appear completely selfless because I was taught that was awesome and the way to be (even though I was completely resentful when I repressed my needs), and acted passive aggressively to get what I wanted while looking like I was needless/wantless. In sum, I had a GREAT skill set. ;)

These days I still struggle with passive aggressive behavior. I'm working on it - I usually am able to identify it, and even if I don't correct it on the spot I can apologize for my behavior and admit what happened. I was in such denial before I got here about how controlling I really was - like I very honestly and legitimately would have sworn that I was NOT controlling if anyone asked. I would've been sincere, and I fully believed I was the least controlling person I ever met. I knew that I wanted particular things for particular A's in my life (and mostly, I wanted them to want what i wanted for them too - so there was always a lecture about why I was right), but I thought that because the things I wanted for other people were the "right" things, I wasn't controlling. To me, the word "control" has a negative connotation, and I never felt like there was anythings sinister about what I wanted - so therefore, it wasn't control. Hehe :). I am only now beginning to understand the full extent of my denial about my own behavior. I just really had no idea that what I had determined was "right" in my own mind may be right for me but not for someone else. I thought there was only one way.

I think my motives now are humility, understanding that nobody is perfect (but understanding that I am not perfect is still a work in progress), gratitude, compassion, and appreciation that I'm just as worthy as having my opinion considered as everyone else.

AWESOME post, thank you!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

this is such a great topic! Thanks for posting this! I'm so glad you made it to a meeting and you got something out of it!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks White Rabbit, I love that share! It is quite amazing to hear what others have gotten from working this program :)
Pushka, I am glad I posted it too, I wanted to keep the positive shares going...I still need to hear them today :) Thanks!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for bringing up the topic! I enjoyed readin Hot Rod's and White Rabbit's responses.

My ex-AH came home with me just two days ago from rehab. Right before he was discharged, I was talking with another Al-Anon member about how I realize now that I always was telling my ex what to do.

The past 2 days I've caught myself countless times fighting the urge to say to him, "You should........." Just this morning, I told him that he'll find me not as talkative as in the past because I realize that in the past, I was always telling him what he "should" do. I told him that my goal is to stop "shoulding" all over him!

I've been wondering how he took it all these year (my striving to control him). I'm still in awe over this realization and have to stay hypervigilant so I won't tell him what he "should do."

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yeah, I am always shoulding and "why don't you"-ing.... I need to learn to MYOB and keep it to myself. When I can see it in others, its in me too huh? Thanks GailMichelle

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I have started listening to my AH better and not trying to impose what I think he is trying to say (my own agenda). I have had a couple of rough lessons in the past 6 months in not listening and my AH has sent messages loud an clear that I def got and it was painful. I learned, to say the least to mind my own business AND, to listen with both of my ears and not my brain.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Motives, hugely fear and rejection, taking things way to personally and not being teachable, I am becoming very aware of what doesn't work for me and really trying to hand the things I don't yet have enough practice with to know about, with the people they concern, it seemed abnormal to me let life do it's thing without my input, never ever realised that doing nothing was my new best hope of doing something.

regards

katy

x

oldgraduate · Senior Member

Thanks for this post. I think I have a lot of work to do in this area. (Among many others). I too never thought I was controlling, and accused others of it. Now I am seeing that I am a lot of things I have been calling other people out on. And I want to change that. I just hope it's not too late. I pray that things I have done are perceived as having been done out of love, even if I did them in the wrong way. I know my motives are often to get my own way, but I don't think I am malicious. I just have such a hard time letting go and letting nature take its course. I hope to have time to keep reading, because I am learning already.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.