What should I do? - Al-Anon Family Group

Kate1979 · Member

What should I do?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome. By no means are you the only one. Your situation could be a catagory in a book of Family Addiction Situations.

I am so sad the disease is affecting your family, especially at such a precious time that passes so fast. Young child, you are pregnant. If anyhting I would hope he would be home helping you with the pregnancy, you did not get that way alone, and enjoying that cute little girl.

Hon neglect is abuse. Not being part of the family is sheer neglect, abandonment. If you did not feel abused emotionally you would not be here. I am very glad you shared!

He is going to do what he is sadly. No just becuz one marries does not mean he will suddenly become a good husband. We hope we marry becuz we are bascially there already, its how we want to live. Not party with the guys and not come home.

The thing is again, we might as well look to our self, as he is not going to change unless he wants to. We cannot do a thing about his choices.

"Getting Them Sober," is a good book. volume one. Toby Rice Drew. ez to get used on Amazon.

It will help you see where he is, and where you may want to be.

Al Anon gives us ideas on how to deal with living with a person sick from their being an addict. We learn to look to our own needs and the needs of our kids.

We let go of the addict, we look at what we are going to do. I don't mean stay or go. Some people put up boundaries. ie I need to have my husband home at five to eat dinner. If he is not, I put it in the fridge or throw it away. His consequense can be no dinner.

Some flat out say, do not come home if you are drunk. Its all very personal and we have to pick what we can stand behind.

Make a choice, our family or your acting like a single guy.

Just examples,not telling you what to do.

Counseling will do nothing as the primary problem is he is very sick from alcholism.

I hope you can get to meetings where you live. It honestly makes one feel better. Coming here is great too.

We learn to really think about ourselves for a change. We can do nothing for them, but with Al Anon we can do tons for ourselves.

come back! love,debilyn

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Kate,

I can relate to everything you said and everything you are going through. You only have to substitute she for he and your story is mine. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it only gets worse, it consumes, it controls, it takes away, it is what it is, a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. I saw it slowly take over my alcoholic's life, so slowly that I didn't see it coming. When I finally realized it was not fun and games anymore it was to late. My life had already become unmanageable and I didn't realize it until I was as comsumed by the very disease that had consumed my alcoholic. I did a lot of crazy things, things no sane person would ever do. I could name them but time and space doesn't permit. Let me just say we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in our lives without realizing it. We can keep it to ourselves allowing it to take over our lives, or we can talk to close friends who only want the best for us, but they have never walked in our shoes............Or we can "Admit we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmageable". That's where I was and that's where you are.

I came to a fork in the road, I could keep doing all the things over and over, continuing to get the same results, are I could do try spmething different, something that is proven and tested, something that could change how I looked and the disease I had been confronted with. By the grace of God I found Al-Anon. I didn't know one single thing about the program or how it would help me. But I did know I needed help. Nothing I had tried worked. I gave up and gave in and attened a face to face Al-Anon meeting. I didn't know a single person there when I walked in.....when I walked out I knew I had found a new family. Members who understood what I was going through, members who had waked or were still waking in my shoes, members who were facing greater problems than I was facing, yet, they were smiling, had sereinty and peace of mind. I didn't understand but I wanted what they had. They didn't judge me or tell me what I should or should not do. They only gave me their experience, strenght, and hope (ES&H).....what had worked for them. What a feeling knowing I had found and new loving and caring family that only wanted the best for me. That was five years ago come September. I continue to attend meetings every week, I've make the program a part of my life. This program not only works living with and active alcoholic, but it works in all your affairs.

I made a comentment that night to accept, trust, not question, and work the program to the best of my ability. I wanted what they had. I had a burning desire to make my life better. I'm not very smart, but I was smart enough to know Al-Anon was my ticket.......and it was. The program gave me the tools to always take care of myself first, put the focus on myself and not the alcoholic in my life, how to be happy wherher the alcoholic is drinking or not, to realized I am the only person I have any control over, to not go to every argument I am invited to, to not react to my alcoholic which has saved my serenity and peace of mind countless hundreds of times.......The program changed my life for the better. It can do the same for you and "Quietgal" who posted after your post. Give the program a try, you deserve it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your questing was.....What should I do? My ES&H to you is find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and start your recovery. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and the alcoholic in your life.

Again welcome....your not alone anymore.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 28th of June 2011 11:14:23 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Kate and welcome to the board and MIP Family It is good that you found us and all of the ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) you will get here. You can scroll back in time here and especially look for the early post of Newbies...those who had first posts and the like. Read their stories so that you can really see you are not alone in what your are going thru and then look at the members who express the help they have found here and in the Al-Anon Family Groups. The AFG saved my live, my sanity, my health, my spirit. I found it from the white pages of my local telephone book and called the number to find the places and times the fellowship met in my town and I went and never have stopped. That's the short of it and also the best of it. Go look for the number as others come here to give you support. (((((hugs))))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Kate, what everyone else has said and I just wanted to say welcome and just keep coming back. :)

::: Note to self no typing before coffee .. lol :::

-- Edited by Pushka on Wednesday 29th of June 2011 03:24:01 PM

Crazy Frog · Veteran Member

Hi kate,

Welcome. We all have experienced the same kind of stories, different but similar. It took me a long time to recognize my husband was an alcoholic. Once i admitted and accepted my life had become unmanageable, things started to change for me, by going to al-anon meetings and reading posts here and working with a sponsor. It takes time, lots of courage and love but its worth it. It took you courage to come forward here so congratulations on your first step. :)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome here! You are in the right place :) What was suggested to me when I first came was to go to alanon face to face meetings, try it out for at least 6 meetings in a row and when I am there LISTEN to what others say, talk to people before and after the meeting with questions or situations I am going through and share during the meeting what I can. I have done that and I keep going back because it works when I work it and I am finding that I am worth it! Someone else's drinking brought me to alanon (my bf's), but I was there for me because I needed to work on me. I am on the look out for a sponsor so that I can begin my step work. If my bf drinks thats now his business. He is actually beginning to change slowly, now that I am changing. Its funny, the book Getting Them Sober helped me do little things for me that are affecting the whole family. I have good days, and bad, and some in between days now, but the good days are getting to be more prevalent. Take care of you! Keep coming!

Kate1979 · Member

Thank you all for your support and your suggestions. I no longer feel alone! I have ordered some books that some of you have suggested and I plan on looking for some meetings to attend. God Bless you all!

Betterfuture · Veteran Member

Hi kate!!

You're post really spoke to me. My daughter says the same thing about her daddy. He does not realize how much he neglects our 3yr old. She always says "i dont like daddy! he is stinky!" I keep telling him that his breath smells like alcohol, cigs and weed but no matter how many times he brushes that alcohol sits in his breath and me or my baby hate kissing him when it smells that way!!! He also is very short with her and pays her very little mind.

My ex used to also "help his buddies" out all the time or stop somewhere after work. He started doing this more when I told him that there would be no alcohol allowed in the house. We separated again just 3 weeks ago when I just couldn't hold on any longer, and I must say that although Iam lonely there is peace at home.

I'm new here at MIP and to Al-anon but even a friend of mine (not affiliated with alanon) noticed the change in my attitutde towards my situation. I'm so thankful for MIP for all the support everyone has given me. I hope you too will find peice of mind.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.