The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Somebody, anybody help with these crazy back and forth emotions and how do you tell if your ah is manipulating saying all these promises and how much he loves me, but yet is still drinking everyday and by the way i have filed for divorce, but he says as soon as i drop it he will stop drinking immediately, why should he stop if thats all he has left, (those are his words) Iam not confused about divorce, as long as i have no communication with him, but we have children, anyhow as soon as he starts texting or talking my mind feels like mush! Is this normal am i crazy, Do i believe him or is he lying, does he really mean these things or is he just trying to save his own hide?
Hugs and welcome, this is a common issue with addicts is the lying. Are you going to believe what you see or are you going to believe what the addict tells you? I recently posted and there are other wonderfully wise people on the form about how lying and the addict go hand in hand.
If you have not started going to alanon please consider going to a f2f meeting they really do make a difference and it helps just knowing that first meeting you are not alone and you are not the only one who has heard the A in your life make these empty promises. The best you can do for yourself is put the focus back on to yourself and stop the outside focus.
Hugs again and welcome :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome here! Here in alanon I was taught that inorder for me to feel better about the person in my life who is drinking, I need to go to meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps. I need to learn to concentrate on me, to get honest, to detach with love and remember the 3 C's: I didn't cause him to drink, I can't cure his drinking and I can't ever ever ever control his drinking....I also learned that when I start working on me, things get better in the house. The book Getting Them Sober has been one of the best resources I was given. Courage to Change and One Day at a time in alanon have helped tremendously. Getting to meetings in real time, being there physically helps so much! I hope you keep coming and can find some meetings to help you. You can find meetings by going to the alanon website. Take care of you!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I can't add too much more to what the others have shared. But I would like extend a warm welcome you to MIP. Now that you have met a few of us, you won't feel like a stranger.
In the program, I learned that whether a particular A loved me did not depend on whether or not he or she was still drinking. I learned that alcoholism is a disease, not the result of a lack of willpower or a lack of love for family.
In terms of whether particular words are just intended to manipulate, my sponsor says to turn off the sound and just look at the picture. Believe what I see, not what I hear. Lying is part and parcel of alcoholism. I think that pretty much all alcoholics lie - to either cover up behavior the A is ashamed of, or to just continue behavior that the A is not yet ready to change. Although I don't have the power to make someone else tell me the truth, I can certainly decide for myself what I believe. When my AH was still drinking, I couldn't trust him when he said "I'm not going to drink today." I learned to just watch the picture instead. If I saw drunk behavior, there was no point in asking him if he was drinking...by asking a question I already knew the answer to, I just set myself up to get lied to and then get angry. When I stopped asking questions like that, he lied less - and I got angry less. We may not be able to change someone else's decisions, but we can certainly change our expectations and our reactions.
As far as back and forth behavior, I realized that was part of my sickness. I would tell myself I was going to do _____, but as soon as my AH did _____, I went back the other way. It's a cycle. When I began to identify which of my behaviors were crazy and contributing to the whole mess, the cycling back and forth happened much less often.
