The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm not sure why I can't just be strong and not think about why my AH hasn't even bothered to call me since I told him to leave. I know it sounds stupid because I'm the one who told him to leave but once you sober up the next morning wouldn't you feel like "hey I messed up I'm sorry." but nope, nothing.
I guess it just bothers me that he could care less about me and our daughter as long as he has a place to sleep and get drunk.
Is that what happens to alcoholics they could give a crap as long as they get what they want? I know that he blames me for everything and as usual I'm the sucker who gives in and calls him to try to "talk through" our problems which I realize now was just a bandaid over the really big issue that he has a disease.
I am so stressed out right now!!!!!!!! I am only working part time (a job where I depend on my tips) because I was in school full time and just graduated. I'm waiting for some paperwork in order to take my state boards so that I can finally start my career and provide for my family. Both my parents are ill my dad has ESRD and my mom has SLE. They do their best to help me and my daughter. My AH doesn't even think about what would happen to me and our daughter because he expects my parents to make up for what he lacks!
The more and more I think about my situation the more worthless I feel to someone I depend on and love. The only thing thats helping me is reading my al-anon pamphlets over and over again and reading inspirational quotes.
I didn't make it to a meeting this week because I had an opportunity to work extra shifts. I'm hoping I can find one tomorrow morning between studying, working and doc appt. for my daughter.
Sorry I needed to vent. Thanks for listnening.
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
I am a psych nurse and see many of addicts, drugs and alcohol. The disease does take over and blinds them from seeing what's important. The only way for them to get better is to hit bottom and get better for themselves. They can't get better just for someone else. You need to work on yourself and your life while he works on his. Just know you're not the only one that has and is or will go through this.
Wow that is awesome that you are done with school! I have never finished my degree, and I have no idea if I ever will so I have to congratulate you! On him not calling? Ugh. I am not sure what is going on in his head, but I feel your pain. I know you are busy, but remember to take some quiet time out for yourself too. A meeting, reading the daily readers from Alanon, writing in a journal...bubble baths, books for fun, good music, good movies...things for you. I hope you find a meeting you can go to. If you feel brave enough, ask for some phone numbers and then call one of those people. It helpse me so much to have a person to call...That voice on the other end of the line, of a person in alanon just makes me feel not alone anymore. Thanks for posting here! Take care of yoU!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Dear Betterfuture,you may have heard a saying that is often quoted here on this board: Don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
Addiction is a very selfish master. For him it rules as he is actively using.
Perhaps you are looking to someone for love, nurturance and dependability who doesn't have the ability to give it? You may have to lower your expectations down to the ground in order not to suffer the disappointments.
I think your name implies hope. You have worked hard to go to school and get professioonal credentials which will certainly make things easier workwise and financially. The reality is, form my point of view, is that the love, nurturance and dependability you seek will have to come from yourself.
You get the final say on what you want life to look like for you and your daughter.
That is how I made it with three children. It sure wasn't coming from anywhere else!
It is human and natural to miss him. I think we all can understand that. We even miss our enemies after we get used to having them as a constant in our lives.
-- Edited by Otie on Thursday 23rd of June 2011 07:32:06 AM
"Is that what happens to alcoholics they could give a crap as long as they get what they want" - unfortunatley yes
"I am only working part time (a job where I depend on my tips) because I was in school full time and just graduated. I'm waiting for some paperwork in order to take my state boards so that I can finally start my career and provide for my family" - ONLY???? Betterfuture, I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit - your "job" may be only part-time, but your a great mom (full-time) and to be obtaining and going for your state boards and finishing your education is such a huge thing!!! I would kill to have the ability to go back to school and say I have a degree in this or that...but not everybody is geared towards the school thing - I'm so JEALOUS!!! It's wonderful what you are doing and you should be very proud - also think of what example you are setting for your daughter - going after and making your life better for your family - awesome!!
I always cringe when people use the word worthless, wether it be what we are to them or how they make us feel about ourselves from actions and words...how horrible this disease must be for it to be able to take that feeling away from a person...their self worth....I once was told by a fellow member in my group that I am worthy....he keep saying it over and over......then I did....over and over....I say it often...and it helps...cause it's true!!!
"My AH doesn't even think about what would happen to me and our daughter because he expects my parents to make up for what he lacks" If he thinks about it, he might actually have to do something - and that would be a little thing called responsibility !!! A's cant handle taking care of themselves correctly, let alone being accountable for something/someone. Mine could tell me over and over what I'm doing wrong with my son and what a bad mother I am (and stupid me, I let him), but do you think he ever helped out in any way, or had to ever take care of anything for himself......anything???!!!...paying rent, yardwork, finding a job, keeping a job!!!....anything that would not benefit him directly and was totally un-selfish - NOPE -
Keep going...you are doing great - Have a great day for yourself and keep up the good work and focusing on your wonderful daughter and good times ahead - and congrats with the school thing!!! Way to go!!!
It's not that he doesn't care; it's his disease that he has allowed to take over his life for now.
I know it looks mighty glum for you right now. However, look at the positives. For one, you are preparing to take your state boards! Another, you have your health and so does your daughter. If you look, you can add to this list. I know it's hard. I'm going through a difficult time, too. But I practice, practice, and practice some more to look for what is going well in my life.
It will get better for you. Continue to read the pamphlets and inspirational quotes. Someday they won't just be words; you will feel them as the truth and begin living them.
It will get better. Keep doing the next right thing and keep your mind where your body is as much as you can.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thanks again everyone. Its nice to know people understand my situation and is so willing to help make me a stronger person. I also appreciate the props on finishing school it was suuuuupppper hard but well worth the sacrifice. I just wanna say that its NEVER too late for anyone to go back and pursue their dream.
@GAIl: I think you are right.. some of the things I'm reading are just words to me right now. I will keep practicing so that I can actually start living them. I just need more patience I guess.
Thanks again yall.
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I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once.
I'm not sure why I can't just be strong and not think about why my AH hasn't even bothered to call me since I told him to leave. I know it sounds stupid because I'm the one who told him to leave but once you sober up the next morning wouldn't you feel like "hey I messed up I'm sorry." but nope, nothing.