The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am slowly starting to realize that not only does my ab have a problem but i have a problem as well. This codependent thing so many of you talk about i am starting to see. I feel very sad and emotional today! All of this is getting the best of me. I am attending a f2f meeting tonight....Im very nervous at to what to expect. But feel its worth a shot. I need something or someone who understands. I sit here every moment of every day and worry about the what ifs? Is he drinking tonight? Is he cheating? Is he driving while drinking? Is he going to harm himself or someone else? How do i just try and pretend that all is ok and try so hard to be happy. WE are working on our relationship, he says that this is what he wants for us to be a family, we are both young 25 and 26. I have a toddler with him. He has never had a faithful relationship even while we were apart for 2 years. He drinks mainly on the weekends and becomes mean, suicidal, and cheats. I feel as though i have to constantly talk about the problems or reassure him that look you dont have to do this you dont have to be here with me if you dont want to be. Here i sit though and torture myself over all of the what ifs. Wishing i could drive by his house...check his phone records...check his accounts...He's been apart of my life since i was 13. Its so hard to watch someone you love just continously hurt you and hurt themselves. How do you trust? How do you work on this? How do you know if he is even doing what he says? He says the more I talk about it all the more I push him away. How can I not talk about it though when its all I think about. I'm at the breaking point. How do you try and be supportive and caring and love someone who continously makes bad choices. I hope i find comfort tonight! THankS for Allowing me to vent. It's not like I can tell him how i feel!
You have taken the first step into your own recovery. By reaching out to Alanon members and venting, you are taking an active role in dealing with this disease of alcoholism. Face to face meetings will help you so much. It is suggested that you attend at least 6 meetings before making any life changing decision. The meetings offer so much comfort and the fellowship among members is invaluable.
I can relate to your situation with your ab. I am married to Ah for 36 years. I read your post, I saw the similarities: the cheating, drinking, lying, drunk driving, etc. It goes on and on. I have to do multiple things to cope with the daily drama: attend meetings facetoface, online, talk to sponsor, reach out to other Alanon members, read the literatures, listen to tapes. In fact, right on this website, you can listen to tapes. My favorite is Mary P. She is humorous and hern message(s) are powerful.
The As in our lives will change when they make up their minds to change. As much as we love them, we can't save them. The Alanon program tells us that we are powerless over people, places, and things. The focus has to be on "us". Sending lots of love and hugs your way.
That's great that you're going to a meeting tonight. Just remember, you don't have to talk. You can listen. I observe several people in one of my groups that listen only.
Let us know how your meeting went.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Here in alanon I have learned to remember that I need to take care of me. I have learned about the three C's. I didn't cause him to drink, I can't cure his drinking, and I can never ever ever control his drinking. I am totally and utterly powerless over him and anyone else. I can only control me. I am gaining the courage to change the things I can, and those things have to do with me, my reactions, my self, my love of myself....I am learning about the new tools that are taught here. I can REMAIN CALM and I am learning that if I DON'T REACT when he drinks I feel better and things go better. I am going to alanon, and I have a contact person to talk to about things. I am learning what I like and dislike. I am understanding more and more how to do things so that I am detached with love. Its not always easy, but its simple. Alanon is for you, welcome here, take care of you! This spiritual program works when you work it, and you are worth it!
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Well i went to my first meeting. It was a little strange only a group of 8. Most were older woman, I felt a little out of place only being 26. I cried im very emotional i feel like im at my breaking point i cant take much more. It was nice to listen. I'm going to attend hopefully one at a different location this weekend.
HOPEFULL That is awesome! I know it can seem like you don't belong with such an age gap, but consider trying six or more meetings before deciding whether or not Alanon is for you.
My group has a mixture of people old and young, from diverse backgrounds. Keep trying different times or perhaps different groups. I cried too when I went and I must say I did not like it either because I felt silly to cry in front of strangers.
I do so hope you are able to go to different group meeting. You may find diversity in another Alanon group. Keep in mind that in summertime, some groups have lower attendance. That may be a factor.
Go to the thread "unacceptable when?" , posted by mslouise. Read the answer to her posted by linbaba. I printed it out for future reference for myself.
I think it might be just what you need to read right now.
