Bipolar is a hard illness to deal with. Are you on medications? It sounds like maybe you're not or need an adjustment. I know some of the "typical" actions of mania in bipolar and can almost figure out, possibly, the embarrassing things you did and regret. If you're not on medications OR -should- be on medications but have stopped, please reconsider. Would you take medication if you had a physical illness such as diabetes or high blood pressure??? Why would you be willing to take those, but not medications that can correct an unbalance of chemicals in your brain? I understand that the medication can have some serious side effects, that's why it's important to talk to your doctor about side effects, or really weigh them out....would you rather feel regret and disappointment after a mania episode (or a depressive episode) vs the Side effects? OK, that's just the nurse in me. Also, it sounds like you're letting your diagnosis define you. You are still the same person even if you have a diagnosis attached to your name. You still have the same interests and hobbies and passions as you did before. You just have a reason for you unstable moods now! That's all! It sounds like you do need to have a good confession to a religious advisor, counselor, trusted friend, or a journal. I've seen so many people that go on to regret when their parents passed away that they didn't go and see them that one last time, and I'd hate for you to feel the same. There are support groups for people with bipolar disorder, the same as there is alanon or aa....not 12 step programs, but a supportive network. I think it's a national support group called the BiPolar Bears (cute huh!) also NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has some great information. Bipolar is an illness, the same way that alcoholism is an illness. You have no control over it, but you can obtain help for it!