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I had an ok father's day and I really had to use my al-anon skills today. My wife is 13 months in recovery from alcohol and pills and is working a program. She is also PMSing right now, which I think stands for "Permission to Mistreat Spouse." It's very hard. Holidays of any sort are hard for alcoholics, so I'm told, but they especially seem to be hard for my wife when they are related directly to me. I think Father's day was really hard on her because she feels like a horrible mother after the years of alcoholism and drug abuse. I get it, I understand it, and I was prepared to take today for what it was.
So what was it? It was a rainy gloomy day today that didn't allow us to do the things we had planned. Instead, we rented some goofy movies, ate pizza, walked the dogs, and just made the best of it. My kids made me some cool gifts in school that really choked me up because they are really from the heart. My wife was standoffish most of the day and expressed unhappiness about the kids messy rooms, this, that, tried sniping at me that I don't tell the kids to clean up messes. At one point she started harping on me about my protein shake that I drink after workouts and criticizing me for it. When I explained that I feel a whole lot better since losing weight and the shake helps me to stay on a healthy eating plan she just shook her head mumbled stuff under her breath. Overall just very bitchy but I never took the bait and just stayed focused on the moment. It did start grinding on me though, it was hurtful but I wasn't going to let it ruin my day.
I went to lay down and read for a few minutes and my wife came in and brought up a bunch of crap from the past. These are things that I've already apologized for and really aren't all that serious but they are related to my character defects that I am working on in program. She Started going off on me about it and I I started to defend myself but then stopped. I told her that I really didn't want to do this with her and asked that we talk about it at another time. She said that she needed to talk about it now because she had resentments and needed talk about them. I suggested that she call her sponsor or a friend from AA and then walked out of the room. She got in the car and left and I hung with the kids. She came back about a half hour later and was just completely dragonlady, not saying anything but looking like she could explode. I knew that the best thing to do was to go to my al-anon meeting an hour and a half early. i told her I was going to meet some friends before the meeting and I went to a nearby restaurant and found the "meeting before the meeting." My alaonon friends and I all talked program over some food. I didn't bring up my wife or the situation at home. Just felt like listening to other people. I felt very fortunate to have found them. While hanging out with them I got a text from my wife saying "Make sure when you tell your friends about me that you say that you are a liar." I responded with, "please don't contact me unless it's an emergency" and she didn't text me anymore.
Overall, I'm happy with how I handled everything. My wife has really been struggling and so have I. It's like we take two steps forward and one back. Four steps forward and things are going great and then six back and I'm wondering what happened. I really would like to get to the point where what is going on with her doesn't bring my day down. I noticed a lot of this happens during times of PMS, which used to be a week long bender before she got sober. I used to engage because I shouldn't be treated the way that I was being treated but I try not to now. I almost got myself into it with her but stopped myself today.
Like I said, I'm happy with how I handled things but it's a similar feeling to being happy about how you played a game even though you lost. I love my family and want to move forward as a family but crap like today is really painful. It's hard to wake up with kids all smiley, jumpy, huggy and kissy and then have to start planning how to stay focused on yourself and detach from the ominous thundercloud brewing in the corner that you can see getting bigger and bigger and getting ready to strike with a bolt of lightening. The kids had a peaceful house today, so that's good. My heart isn't so peaceful though.
Thanks for letting me share. I know my posts can be really long winded but I find writing about it really helps me to feel better and allows me to see my growth. I'll take any insights anyone has to offer.
In my first year of recovery when I was practicing the tools of the program my AH would raise the price of poker just to see if he could suck me in to his disease. I kept praying the serenity prayer, left the house as you did, excused myself to go to the restroom conveniently when these moments would arise. You did a rock star job considering the heat you were under. From your post it seemed as though she would just pick a topic and run with it to see if she could get you. You kept your side of the street clean and I am very proud of you. I know it is very difficult when you take two steps forward and four backwards.
I thought about something as I read your post. One thing that occurred to me was when I have made an amends for my actions/behaviors in the past, I paid the "debt" off sort of speak. When I make an honest effort to give back what I took away I no longer have a "bill" that I owe someone. As such I no longer let someone hold me accountable for things I have made good. There are no more amends to be made.
Happy Father's Day to you. I am very proud of your progress and strength. Thank you for sharing with us today.
Dear surfingmaestro. Boy, do I relate to the PMS times. When PMS arrives it is scorched-earth time for everyone!
I know that lots of others will address the alcohol recovery issues. So, I will share my experience with other aspects that generally are not focused on.
First of all: PMS from the woman's perspective. Remember that it is HORMONALLY mediated. It creeps up very insideously (like a cobra) and We don't know that it is there until it hits and we find ourselves in the middle of some crazy kind of rage. I think it must be like the control that alcohol has over the alcoholic---I mean that we feel somewhat "powerless" over the force. I have seen people on high doses of steroids (also a hormone) act the same way emotionally!
Second point: Most women crave affection, attention, and intimacy (physical/and or emotional) much more than they will admit to. I can remember being soo b***** to my husband outwardly, and secretely just wanting him to come across the room, take me in his arms and sympathize with me like a small child. Once, I explained this to him (when I wasn"t PMSing) and he grabbed on to that tool like it was a life preserver. LOL.
My husband started watching the "time of the month" for me, since I would invariably forget until it was too late. Once I was forewarned, I could monitor what was going on. We sort of worked out our own little plan. I would be very generous with my apologies when I did slip---"I'm sorry honey It is not personal to you--this is PMS--you are too sweet to deserve this. Then he could hug me and sympathize with me. And then (this is KEY) we would say---"Lets just get out of here and do something fun together" My main point here is that intimate closeness as a couple can wipe out days of arguments. It is basicall being in love 101.
There were times, of course, when it was especially intense and we would both have to initiate lifesaving moves. He would give me a kiss and say "Honey, I can"t take this right now, and I know you can"t---I am going over to the club right now---give me a call when you would like me to come back. Sometimes I would suggest that he do the same thing.
Basically boils down to (1) Make an action plan in a non-PMS time (2) Affection and intimacy RULES (3) If it gets too out of control, leave the area with diplomacy and love as much as possible.
surfing maestro, I understand that you-all are coping with early sobriety which everyone says is more difficult than the srinking sometimes. So, PMS is just like pouring on another cup of gasoline.
For everyone else reading this post, besides surfingmaestro, this is a volatile subject. So please do not get your knickers in a twist about it. I am simply giving surfingmaestro the benefit of my unique experience.
I hope this is of some help. Surfingmaestro, just hang in there--It lokks to me like you are trying your levelbest. That's all anyone can do.
It looks to me you are doing awesome. PMs is out of your control, its probably out of hers too! You both have lots going on working your programs etal. Take one day at a time. :)
For what it's worth, I had a very similar experience to you this weekend. And I handled it in a similar way as well. It is AMAZING how much differently I handle things since I started in the program. I can't say that I see different outcomes necessarily but I sure feel a whole lot better.
It is hard to have such a walking downer in the house at all times, especially on Father's Day, but I had a blast with my kids an a lot of laughs.
THanks for the heartfelt share.... what helped me, to get through those cruddy days, was to expand my view a bit, in terms of timeline.... Certainly not every day is going to be wildly successful, but it sounds like if you looked at where the two of you were six months ago, or a year ago, you would say there has been tremendous progress?? I think we need to look at things in that way sometimes..... Our respective recoveries aren't always a straight line, and almost never happen as quickly as we would want them to.....
Hang in there, and it really does sound like you handled yesterday well.... What a good idea, when you are frustrated at home, to add a half an hour onto your Al-Anon meeting!!
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks for your replies everyone. I know that the only one I am really supposed to try and understand is myself. I know that I am not supposed to be focused on the alcoholic's behavior but when days like yesterday go down I just find myself in a confused almost befuddled way and that causes me great discontent. I know that I am the one who allows myself to feel the way that I do, not her, but I am just not really good yet at remember that. My first inclination is to start asking questions of the alcoholic to get clarification and that is how I get sucked in. I'm going to ask some dumb questions here, and I think I know some of the answers but I just need some clarification.
My wife has been sober 13 months. Many have referred to this as "early recovery." How long is "early recovery?" Two years? Five?
When things get like this and she starts attacking me I know it is because she really feels like crap about herself and what she has done in the past. I'm sure there is a healthy dose of fear about the future of our marriage. I know that when I feel bad about things and she asks me I tell her not to take it personally and I tell her that I am just struggling with things. I just don't understand the need to bring someone else down to to try and make themselves feel better. Can someone explain this to me? I think having a better understanding of this will help me to deal with it in the future. I know not to engage and I do my best not to, but I just don't understand the compulsion to knock me down when she feels like shit. Why? I struggle with trying to be a good listener, which I was raised to do, to try and find out if there is legitimacy to her complaints and if I have done something wrong or not. On the other hand, I try to practice good program and not accept unacceptable behavior.
Dear surfingmaestro, one of the most common ways to make oneself feel better if one is feeling bad about themselves is to reduce other people/person. In other words to bring you down to the level or even lower than they feel about themselves. It has been sometimes called "leveling".
If one is suffering from low self image--from whatever the cause--shame, guilt, baggage from their childhood telling them they are "less than" , cutting down another person can feel like leveling the playing field to the suffering ego. The addicted person no longer has the substance to cope with uncomfortable feelings of self doubt, fear, etc....
Leveling is not the only way to try to accomplish this, but it sure seems like the preferred one.
I don't know if this is exactly what you are asking, but that is my take on it.
Sincerely, Otie
Once, I heard someone say that an alcoholic will raise up out of the gutter with their last breath to point out someone who is worse than them.
-- Edited by Otie on Monday 20th of June 2011 04:22:33 PM
Now, tonight, I came home from work, she was quiet but calm. She went to a meeting and when leaving she said that she loved me. Only thing to do is accept that for now this is how it is. Focus on my own issues and let her figure out hers.
