Difficult decisions. - Al-Anon Family Group

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

Difficult decisions.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You said it right when ya said, HIS recovery. We learn that their lives are theirs and ours ours.

Their disease is none of my business. We learn to completely stay out of it.

He is surely learning skills, probably was suggested to go to AA very day, get a sponsor.

But again it is totally up to him.

If he relapses he does, his program is his own. Not like the couselors are his parents. They are only guides. He is an adult and for a program to work, a person has to be honest with themselves and others.

Maybe this just means he needs to be in a rehab center. Maybe it means he does not really want it. .

But again hon we stay out of it as we can do NOTHING that will helpWhen we think we are helping, we make it worse.

Turn your thoughts to you. Find an Al Anon group by you to go to. Get books and other material to help you do the steps. When you go to meetings find a sponsor.

You will not help him by making any decisions or getting distracted, it will only make you sick!

we are here to listen and we care. love,debilyn

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

He just got home 2 weeks ago from an 18 day inpatient stint. He drank exactly 1 week after coming home and asked me not to tell his counselors. He assured me it wouldn't happen again but even when he was telling me that I wasn't holding him to it. I know he's not a liar, he's sick. I love him so and it is very hard for me to watch him struggle with this. I am proud him for continuing to try and want to support him as best as I can. He gave the outpatient center permission to discuss his treatment with me. I'm honestly not sure what that means - what level of participation is appropriate. I'm afraid that there is something I should be doing that I'm not. Fortunately, thanks to al anon I am not a maniac right now, freaking out and having severe anxiety. I am calm and thinking thugs through, trying to take care of myself and keep things going. So very glad for this outlet and the 12 steps.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi MiKiss

Welcome to MIP Glad that you are attending alanon face to face meetings and are learning how to focus on yourself and find peace within.

The disease of alcoholism is cunning and powerful . Many rehabs and outpatients programs will dismiss someone from the porgram if they are using or have had slips.

That being said it is up to your husband to decide what he should do and then do it. Your part is to take care of you (your anxiety as you have been doing) and let him handle his recovery.

AA is a program of recovery that never bans anyone who truly has a desire to stop drinking. You could encourage him to attend and learn how to be honest. I urge you to continue attending alanon, learning the tools or living one day at a time, meetings, focusing on yourself , telephone call breaking the isolation and letting hubby find his own recovery

Keep coming back and sharing the journey

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 19th of June 2011 10:02:44 PM

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I've only been attending Al-Anon for a short while, but I've learned a lot already. I've learned:

* Not to do for others what they can do for themselves (he drank/relapsed --> then he is the one that discloses that)

* Not to prevent a crisis if this is in the natural course of events (our now grown sons and I did a lot of crisis prevention; perhaps if we hadn't he would be further along in his recovery)

I know how difficult it is to step aside and let them experience the consequences of their actions. But it's less difficult now because I REALIZE stepping aside is one of the most loving decisions we can make. If we keep stepping in to block the consequence, their bottom is pushed further into the future and the bottom usually becomes much more severe.

My ex is currently in rehab for the 3rd time in 3 years. Hopefully, he has hit his bottom this time.

In addition: just today my ex told me that a few clients at the rehab reported to the counselors that 2 other clients has smoked pot. So a counselor brought all the clients together and told them all what had been reported (without naming names) and told them that if they came to him and was up front with him, they could continue their stay. Otherwise, within 24 hours, they would be removed from their programs.

This is inpatient care.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 19th of June 2011 10:36:02 PM

Kristi136188 · Veteran Member

I almost hate to say this, but from my experience as a psych nurse it seems that for a majority of users relapsing is part of the process. For my husband he never told me if he has relapsed or not, and i'm assuming he's been sober for a year. I did hear one thing when I first started Al-anon a year ago and that's never ask if they have slipped, not that I think you did, but it's best not to know. They feel guilty, you feel guilty. It's not a good thing. Just be supportive for the fact that he told you. Tell him that you'd be happy to listen to what tempted him and what his triggers are at another time. That way you are not forcing him to tell you or making him feel obligated to tell you. Let him come to you. Of course talking to others is a great help as well. Keep focusing on YOUR recovery. The only way you can lead him is by example. This means attending your meetings and being focused to bettering yourself.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had my loved one spend nine days in ICU with a brain injury as a result of their drinking. Needless to say their side of the family would call and ask how they were doing regularly. It took about three months at home, many dr visits, and meds for them to finally be able to return to work part time, no driving. When my loved one was able to drive, well, the drinking started all over again as if it never missed a beat.

My point here was that I was having their family members ask me all the time, "how is the drinking?" I had about a few months in the program at that time to know it was not my job to out him as I had done so many times in the past. I learned in Alanon that we tell our own stories, i.e., what is going on with me, how I am feeling etc. I would simply respond, he is here, why don't you ask him or give him a call, I am sure he would love to hear from you. In doing so, I stepped out of the triangle and kept the focus on me.

Keep posting here. This place is so magical. You can post in the middle of the night when you are awake and share when it may be too late to call someone on the phone. It has helped me tremendously in those moments.

I want to continue to encourage you to keep going to face to face meetings. They helped me keep balance in my life. It was one hour of my day for which I felt peace, hope, and love from the members.

xoxo

tommye

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The first principle of the first step is honesty. It is true that he is responsible for his own program but just because his disease turns him into a liar does not mean it has to do the same to you. If you are asked, you have your own principles to live by.

The shame and lying are part of the disease.

mslouise · Senior Member

Mlkiss75, just wanted to pop in and say it sounds like your doing great with your program! I feel ya though...It's very hard to stand back and do nothing...putting the responsibility all in their hands when we feeling like we should be helping someone we love. Turns out, focusing on ourselves is helping!! Feels rough sometimes though (sigh). Don't know exactly what kind of program your husband is in, or if its court appointed, etc....but even if your husband would lose his outpatient program, there is always an AA meeting to attend if he so desires, along with many other resources out there - my point is, if he wants to stop he can find support. Relapse is so much a part of this disease. I knew a man that went to his AA meeting every day for months and got his first chip EVERY time, they never turned him down...but he kept going, and trying because HE wanted it....and evenutally, got his first 30 day chip. : )

Keep up with the good work on yourself : )

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with pinkchip, that there is a fine line in certain situations. I was asked by my husbands counselor if he was drinking. He is not in treatment now, however he did a few sessions with an addictions therapist. The therapist asked him first and then turned to me and asked. Had my husband been drinking I would have answered yes, at the time he was not in our house so I did not know and that was my answer. It's a fine line that is drawn between enabling and interference. You are going to have to deal with the situation on and day to day basis so only you can find the solution that will work best for you. It will not always been the popular solution, or the easy solution, you will find the answers for you if you continue to work your program and know he has his own issues to deal with. Hugs and good luck it is never easy to see a loved one in that much pain.

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Mlkiss 75. Not to negate any other postings you have seen here, but I think maybe part of your conflict is that your exact role (according to his treatment program) is still very unclear at this point. My guess is that the agreement you signed/ or he signed is to ensure that information could be exchanged in case of extrodinary situations--like maybe suicidal ideations, abusive behaviors, mental confusions...etc.

I am more of the leaning that you should not be in the position of "policing" him.

Sincerely, Otie

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

What would your MOTIVE be for telling them? Would it not be to change him?

Step one... "we admitted we were powerless..." we don't have the power to change anyone! When I start thinking I've got some kind of power, I go crazy when people don't play along with my illusion.

When I try to control someone's recovery (or lack of it) I am not in recovery myself.... I am off my side of the street.

Great thing is, I can always start my day all over any time I want. I gotta stay in powerlessness, the bedrock for the steps.

Welcome aboard! ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 20th of June 2011 01:16:40 PM

Mlkiss75 · Veteran Member

Thanks all for your feedback, kindness and love. I've been doing a lot of "sitting on my hands" these days and having a forum such as this to vent out my internal conflicts and confusion is Indescribably helpful! I must continue to remind myself of each occasion where the Al Anon principles did the trick - like today. This morning my AH was full of self-loathing, anxiety and fear. But he mustered up the courage to ask me if I could be on te phone with him when he called his counselor to tell him he'd been drinking yesterday. He didn't want me to say anything, just wanted me to be on the line with him to lend support. I had no problem doing that and told him how proud of him I was. Needless to say, he was not kicked out of group, his sharing with his group this evening encouraged another woman in the group to admit that she had been drinking over the weekend as well, and now he feels good about having been honest, forthcoming and present to face the other people in his group. I'm proud of him, and oh so proud of me for showing up for myself and staying strong, not succumbing to the overwhelming urge to throw it all out the window and return to my instinctive co-dependent wackadoodle behavior! It's work but it's well worth it! Another day down.

Thanks again all - gonna keep on working it because I'm worth it!

Gratefully,
Marianne

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, Marianne so glad everything worked out!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Marianne, thank you for the update. I am so glad it for you and your loved one.

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