Is DISGUST the last stop? - Al-Anon Family Group

Hermom · Newbie

Is DISGUST the last stop?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You have come to the right place.

The way I see it, disgust is a way of distancing ourselves, and it sounds as if distance is the healthiest thing for you in this situation. When we have more distance, we can come to perspectives that disturb us less. First detachment, then maybe detachment with love -- but it's still detachment. That means we don't get dragged down into the mud with the person. It sounds as if you are on that road right now.

It also sounds as if you have some expectations that she might see your point of view, as you resent (rightfully, of course) being called the "bad guy." I've benefited from the advice to imagine a large word, SICK, written on their forehead! Their judgment is out of whack; they're simply and literally insane. It can be so hard from me to detach from my A and not engage when he starts in with the nonsense about how I'm just paranoid and I have a problem imagining people are drunk and I should go get help from a therapist. I want to start arguing: "You passed out yesterday and were lying on the floor senseless for hours and I'm imagining you were drunk?!" It's so hard just to accept that they're delusional.

I hope you can also find some face-to-face meetings. No one should have to go through this alone. Please keep coming back and keep taking good care of yourself.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hermom......(((((welcome))))) I hear you loud and clear!

I have an Ason (34) and empathise with everything youve written.

I see you already have Al-anon in your life, the tools are all still in the box, is it time to creak open the lid and dive in for all you're worth smile ?!

Yes I've felt disgust.....at his begging, his filth....his choice of enablers....his actions, and at times I've had to dig deep to maintain compassion. Three C's are a constant mantra.

Glad to have you here.........keep coming back

Ness x

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Hermom,

I am so glad you are here. No worries on the rant. I have found that by posting my frustrations in this board is an appropriate forum for the anger and resentment that creep into my life as a result of being affected by the family disease of alcoholism. There are so many here that understand your problems as few other could. Let us be the soft place to fall, we'll surround you with love, acceptance, and support.

Keep Coming Back, we need you here!
Tommye

Otie · Senior Member

Dear Hermom, good to come here to ventilate. These feelings are "normal" for what you are experiencing. Those of us who have been there understand what it is like.

Hermom, I know how dismal it looks to you---but she is still young. Many, many people go through countless relapses and rehabs before they can embrace the need for sobriety.

I have a suggestion---do a search through the old posts and look for Linbaba's posts on this very thing. He has helped me enorrmously. He has experience with the bigger picture. He apparently has seen more alcoholics than we would be able to count.

With understanding, Otie

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. It's horribly hard to have a child who is A. It is perfectly natural to do as you have done. However in Al Anon we learn that our life has to come first!

It usually takes awhile before we truly realize, we are part of their problem.

It's my experience we must not do anything for them, that they can do for themselves.

Who provided that soft spot to land? They just get themselves well enough to start again. We finally learn to STOP helping the disease. Is what we do when we give them money, feed them, house them, give them rides anything and everything.

I had to say I love you, you have to find your own way. It tore my guts out. But today my son is sooooo great and I am very proud of him .

She can learn to get food, shelter, etc. If she wants rehab, AA she can get there.

Sometimes they get so miserable and sick that is what it takes for them to face, eh I hate living like this and make huge changes ON THEIR own. They can get to rehab themselves, they can find the number themselves.

When we do anything we steal from them. Then need to find their own strengths and figure it out. LET THEM. Was so hard for me too.

She is young, she has a good chance to pull herself out.

I am so glad you found Al Anon, we are here for you. Honestly you will learn things that will help you so much.

We share our experiences with each other that give us ideas what to do.

We listen and care,we make each other laugh and talk about all kinds of things, share a good joke, share a part of a book.

We learn it is very ok to allow the A in our life to go off on their own path and figure it out for the rest of their life, we get of of their path. We stay on our own.

She is an adult now, I am sure she has a good foundation, it was hard but both my kids found theirs.

Keep coming, find a face to face meeting, I love "GettingThem Sober," By Toby Rick Drew, volume one. It's easy to read and understand. I still read it over and over.

We never put anyone down for what they do. As part of it is us recoverying too from being pulled into the pit of their disease.

hugs! Debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't apologize for your feelings. Everything you wrote is so valid. You have been walking a tight rope where there are no right answers. Just do your best to take care of you.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello & Welcome,

Your feelings are certainly understandable!

After living with alcoholism for 36 years and gone insane and back countless times, I am finding that Al-Anon is a "soft place to fall." Perhaps you might like to try Al-Anon for yourself.

We have so many members here with firsthand experiences and great recovery. One member goes by the name "Linbaba" comes to mind as I read your post. He recently wrote 2 posts that have helped me a lot. I've printed them out, and each time I reread them, I gain more understanding and - PEACE!

Find the "search" button at the top and type in the following titles of his posts. Worth reading!

Posts Subject Titles

1) Answer: 12 Stepping

2) Oties Answers: Part Two: Step One and Boundaries

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mom...welcome to the board. Disgust is a good tool to use to help apply pressure to the brake pedal. STOP!! grab the phone and call God and turn her over. I used disgust for the disease and what it does in completely destroying families and the part I played in allowing it to run rough shod in my life. The alcoholic/addicts...learned to use love with them and myself so that I could go and get what it was that I needed so badly for myself. Al-Anon is a worldwide fellowship...I've got family in 131 countries. Disgust helped get me here. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

I imagine your daughter feels disgusted also.

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with what Jerry says...Im sure deep down your daughter feels disgust also. I know my son hates the way he is, but the disease is powerful. I try to show him love & compassion.....he has none for himself. I detach completely from the disease....best I can

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