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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Confused at Best
Post Info TOPIC: Confused at Best
Corgi2


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Confused at Best
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First I want to start off by thanking all of those who take the time to comment on my posts or send positive thoughts my way. It truly means the world to me. I read almost every single post on here...even if I don't respond to it; I still get something from each and every one of you.

I was hoping for a little feedback on my situation. Many of you know that I grew up with a very secretive alcoholic for a father and a very resentful mother. My ABF and I have been together for 3 years and I love him so much. Part of me feels like the man I knew has died. Only pieces of him come out every now and then. I was reading some literature that explained that the A's hate that they drink or use drugs.....I feel like he enjoys it. He has been on a 3 week rampage getting drunk and going out every night. The pre-alanon corgi would have gone right to his house and screamed at him....the new corgi lets go. One of my close friends told me that I look stupid for dating him while hes out gallivanting around town and Im at home watching tv. She doesn't understand why Im not in hysterics every day....although some days I am.

I wanted to know if anybody out there has a similar situation in which their A doesn't feel guilty for drinking. They like drinking. Most of the time I feel like its over because we haven't seen one another in two weeks and he rarely calls. I think he's angry that I don't get angry anymore!!! He wants me to call and yell at him and tell him how much he hurt me...I just can't do that anymore. I went out the other night and met a really nice guy....I mean I would NEVER get involved with someone else while I was still in a relationship...but it got me to thinking that maybe there is more out there. Am I just settling for a mediocre relationship when I could have a fairytale? But why am I attached to this toxic person who seems to push and pull every other day? One day he completely ignores me, the next he calls to tell me he loves me. I know that he does love me, as much as he can. I just have to decide if that is enough for me for the rest of my life.

Thanks for listening to my rants...I appreciate you all so muchsmile



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GailMichelle


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YAY... for the new corgi! She's doing well.

As much as we all would like to be understood by all, especially those close to us such as a good friend, we won't always be. That's just the way it is in life. The earlier we accept this, the easier it is on us to follow our instincts (which to me, is one way our HP guides us).

My ex-AH, who is currently in rehab for the 3rd time, seemed to like to drink as well. He's always been a quiet person, so he never really shared his feelings about too many things. That is, until recently. The last few days he has opened up to me, communicating how he felt about his years of drinking and allowing me to read his journaling, which is a requirement in rehab (they have homework assignments).

From what my ex has shared with me recently, I gather that he liked to drink because he could escape his negative feelings. But then, he said he drank when happy, too. But deep down, he told me that he hated that he did drink at all.

I have a lot of years living and loving an alcoholic, who was a very heavy drinker the last 10 or more years of our 36 years of marriage. It is not an easy life. But then, you have to keep in mind that I have been going to Al-Anon meetings for only a little over 3 months.

I belief your bf doesn't appear guilty, but deep inside he doesn't like himself that well and wishes he didn't drink.  I believe there is no one who dislikes an alcoholic greater than the alcoholic him/herself.

After years of chaos and the craziness, I find that Al-Anon had all my answers:  It's so true what the program teaches us:

*Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

*Not to create a crisis

*Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds

*Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit.

(Taken from the handout titled "Detachment")

How I wish I had done differently years ago. But I didn't, so I was part of the problem.

 


You are doing well.



-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 15th of June 2011 10:49:18 AM



-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 15th of June 2011 10:55:38 AM

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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
canadianguy


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For my ex-AW, it was definitely a progression thing....  She used to drink too much, first with me.....  that got out of control, so she moved on to drinking with (separate) groups of friends, multiple times per week....  this was the 'stage' that I struggled with the most, as it seemed she was choosing booze over her family (which she definitely was)....  after awhile, that stage got out of control, so she drank at home, by herself.....  then, finally, she chose sobriety....

Sounds to me like your A is in that 2nd stage now - similar to where my ex-AW was when she was going out multiple times per week with different sets of friends....  In my experience, active A's who aren't yet ready to get sober, surround themselves with people who make it 'comfortable' for them to remain active....

 

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
mslouise


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 "I think he's angry that I don't get angry anymore!!! He wants me to call and yell at him and tell him how much he hurt me"

 

That's exactly what he wants you to do because it will feed his excuse to drink....if your focusing on you and not him it puts the responsibiltiy back on him, so he has to answer to himself and he doesn't like looking in the mirror....mine also liked to drink - because when he did, it covered up what he had to deal with....life! They surround themselves with similiar people, or people that can enjoy him for the time, but these people also don't have to live with him day in and day out....I used to tell myself, that If I didn't worry or care for my A, he will get someone else to do so...he will not love me anymore and will give his love to someone else...and this scared me because I was sick...addicted to him as much as he was....so I stayed

"Am I just settling for a mediocre relationship"

when you start focusing on yourself (which is what it sounds like you are doing!! yeah!!) give it time and keep going to meetings....I believe anyone can have their "fairy tale" relationship, the one where you are treated fairly and respectfully..but I think we have to be in the right state of mind to see it........

btw....my exA loved me more than anyone...this I know to be absoultey true....had nothing to do with his addictions

Take care

 



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RLC


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Alcohol is and addiction, a progressive addiction. It only get worse. Cunning because it takes over the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. Baffling because we can't understand and get in the alcoholic's head. Powerful because it takes total control of the alcoholic. Alcoholic's have to find their own way just as we do. The Al-Anon program will show you the way and answer your questions, over time and one day at a time.

If I can steal a line from Gail.....YAY..for the new Congi! She's doing well.

HUGS,
RLC



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Debilyn


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Corgi I have noticed that many like drinking then they get to a point of whoa, I am not liking this anymore, start seeing its a problem. Seems like this is when they accept they are A.

You are doing very well! I relate as my AH  changed when I got well. I decided it was that I was not fun anymore. Didn't get upset, didn't engage.

He could not bring me to his level. Made him feel good when he could finally get to me.

hugs lady, deb



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
White Rabbit


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I think it was progressive for my AH. At first he loved it. From the first drink he ever had, he wanted more. When the consequences started pouring in, he liked it less. When he had the choice between getting sober and going to jail for a very long time, he liked it even less. When he relapsed and was in and out of sobriety/AA for 2 years, he hated himself because he just couldn't stay sober. He had a lot of serious consequences and wanted to stop, but couldn't.

I've heard from other A's that until the pain of continuing to drink outweighs the pain of stopping, the A won't stop. That point is different for everyone.

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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
parfait624


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You said you think the person you loved is dead.....it's a common way to feel. When addiction takes over they go on auto pilot. Do you deserve better, of course. Everyone deserves to be treated well by the ones that they love. What draws you in? I don't think anyone who is involved with any kind of an addict has that answer, if we did we would have never got involved. You have some decisions to make about your life and the way you want to live it. Because it is your own life. It's good to see you are starting to find your path in self love. I haven't made a final decision and my ABF has been on his gambling binge for five months now. Some weeks he loves me recently he won't even acknowledge my existance. But I feel like you do, that the man I love is dead, well maybe more like an extended coma. I know that the man I love he loves me more then anything in the world and he would never hurt me just like some of the above posters have stated. But addiction consumes him and the addiction doesn't love me. It's a winding road but we have our faith, determination to live, and our hearts that obviously are full of love to get us through it to the next step in life.

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