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Hello all - well, it's been about 1 year since I have heard from my ex-abf. (after five years of hell). I've forgave, but not forgotten which seems to be the problem. some days are good...today is a very good day. Some days are a struggle. I suffered from severe Anxiety and Panic attacks when with the A. Now....no panic attacks severe, but I still have some Anxiety when certain "triggers" - be that of words or things, come up with my new bf. (whod is not an A). I wonder if they will ever go away to the point I won't have that anxious "feeling" ever? I hate it...thank you very much A!!! lol I have come to the conclusion, that because of my relationship, I will forever be changed. And will never be a "normal" person...you know, one that has never had a bad experience with an A or has lived that normal leave-it-to-beaver life. Can't even imagine...having no fears what-so-ever, or being so confident with every part of your life? Must be nice, huh!! lol Anyways, the feeling of anxiety is a struggle and people don't understand it just comes up, like a dam suddenly letting the water go......working at getting back down is where the progress is I think???
I look at the good things the A brought to me....like the knowledge I now have of drugs and alcohol when I was so naive before...I have a 10 year old son....so this may come in handy if I need it, or if he has questions....so for that, I'm thankful. He also brought me affection. Was raised in a A house with none...no I love you's, no hugs, etc...so when I had my son and he was young that kind of stuff was foreign to me. The exA when not mean, would hold my hand, I love you's all the time...taught me how to be that way with my son...and now my son will come up to me and give me a hug like it's second nature and I love you's just-a-flowin!!! Look for the good things and it helps with the reasons why I guess.
Anyways, just sharing....it's a good day today : )
Dear mslouise. I am so glad for the progress you have made. I feel so good for you.
I would like to gently enlighten you to one thing, though. NOBODY had a leave-it-to-Beaver life!! And I mean NO ONE!
My dear louise, remember that that is all hollywood fantasy that is created purely for our entertainment (and to make money, of course).
All our live are made up of the ups and downs. As we evolve, there are always challenges. When it looks like everyone else has it all together with their lives of effortless perfection----remember that you are looking at their OUTSIDES with your INSIDES.
This is always what brings me back to reality when I gaze longingly at the "greener" grass.
Louise - thanks for the update & share.... Just please remember, that "normal" is a setting on your washer/dryer - there is no such setting in real life.... You are an absolutely perfect and wonderful MSLouise, and there isn't another one like you in the whole wide world....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hello and thanks for the encourging words! I think what I usually mean by "normal" is just the people out there that have been raised with no A's in there life or no such big problems and they have no clue....kind-of like the people that often say, "well why don't you just leave"...and they really believe it's that's easy - I mean they really do!!! Little do they know... then I will ask them what if their daughter or wife gets involved with an addiction problem what would they do?....and they usually just say, "Well I wouldn't put up with that, or I would get them help....then I say, "really, and what if they don't want it or if your help doesn't work - then what??" That's when they look at me like I'm clueless or soft or stupid....needless to say, I kinda just smile inside and I'm really glad for them they don't know...
Absolutely humorous and true, "normal" is only a setting on your washer.
I would venture to say there are more alcoholics in families than not.
I use to have panic attacks, they just kinda sneak up on you and it is frightening. I had to take meds, which were anti-depressants, they helped with the uptake of Serotonin (the feel good chemical in your brain). But I didnt have to take them for a life time, just long enough to re-adjust my life and remove the stress. But what help me immensely was "meditating" 20mins a day twice a day no matter what, close the door, hide away and give yourself that time daily. You will be surprised at how calm that made me with out even trying. There are all kinds of meditation methods, you can look on the internet and pick the method you like, and its free. These are just some ideas I used to help me.
Good Luck and I am thinking about you....OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
